Expecting very bad news from an old friend

Hector Savage · 02-08-2019 03:47PM #1

To post or not to post this ?
I am conflicted whether to post this or not, basically I am expecting very bad news from an old friend.
Haven't seen him in years but we were close and keep in contact over the odd email/whatsapp.
anyway yesterday i get an email saying he needs to tell me something and will be tough to hear - only over the phone ... he lives abroad now.

Now I don't wanna give too much , but I'm almost 100% sure it has to be some terminal illness.

I feel guilty posting here asking for advice cos I am dreading the call, but jesus imagine how my friend
feels ???

But what can I say to news like this ? a lame "Im sorry" .... I have zero reference to something this bad,
I just want to do my best to make the guy feel better.

Tell me how · 02-08-2019 03:56PM

Not being smart but you can consider a couple of scenarios and prepare how you would react should any if them be the case.

illness (terminal or otherwise), marriage break up, job loss, asking for money, whatever.

How would you want him to react if the roles were reversed? Consider if your role is to help or to just listen. Sometimes all you can say is 'Fcuk!!!'

Have a friend or partner to support you after the call if you think it will indeed be tough.

Maybe check out flights so if the news makes you want to see each other in person you have some idea of options.

Addle · 02-08-2019 05:10PM

I had been forewarned about a call like this before OP and it turned out to be drama over nothing.
Not saying it’ll be the same in your case, but maybe don’t worry until you know for sure you’ve something to worry about.

Sardonicat · 02-08-2019 05:21PM

If it is a worse case scenario and he is disclosing a terminal diagnosis, then don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. If this news devastates you and is breaking your heart then tell him. Don't be afraid about getting upset. This isn't the time for rehearsed platitudes or worrying about how you will come across. Let him say what he needs to say and let him know how you feel and what your friendship means. Given that you live in different countries you're limited in what you can do for him, but, if you're able to, being someone he can express himself to openly when he needs to could mean the world to him.

I really hope that you don't get this bad news, but if you do, please get some support for yourself too.

Ursus Horribilis · 02-08-2019 05:32PM

I have never been in this position but I think something like "Jesus John, that's fcking terrible" would go down a lot better than the happy clappy drivel I've heard. I remember telling someone something years ago and they came back with "At least you have your health".

wiggle16 · 02-08-2019 05:46PM

I'd agree with all the above.

The important thing to remember is that as long as you are trying to be sensitive then there is probably nothing you can say that will make it any worse. Nothing you can say will make it better anyhow. Just listen.

And as another poster says it may be all for nothing!

Ursus Horribilis · 02-08-2019 06:06PM

I think letting your friend take the driving seat here would help as well. He might just want to talk. So let him take the lead. If he has received bad news recently, he might still be at the stage where he wants to talk it out.

Redser87 · 02-08-2019 06:09PM

I think in situations like this, it doesn't really matter what you say, the words won't be remembered. What will be remembered is your genuine sympathy and willingness to sit and hear what your friend needs to say.

02-08-2019 06:13PM

If it's bad news I'd just say"Im so sorry to hear that,anything I can do for you?",there obviously isn't anything you can physically do but don't underestimate the importance of listening to someone and sometimes its easier over the phone, just be a listening ear,hopefully its something less serious.

HeidiHeidi · 02-08-2019 06:20PM

I've been on the receiving end of two such calls from an old (practically lifelong) friend, who also lives abroad. However I got no notice of either call. Both were re her parents dying or having died.

I am the worst in the world at this kind of thing, but both times she just wanted to talk, it was like she was trying to process it in her own head and needed to work it through. So to be a listening ear is really important. If you're good friends, the right words will come (the right words might be no words).

And I would agree with whoever posted above to maybe check out travel options just in case you think that might be the thing to do when you know what the news actually is.

Addle · 02-08-2019 06:38PM

You haven’t seen him in years?
Could it be something to do with your personal relationship?

Personally, I wouldn’t expect much from someone I have infrequent communication with.

Hannibal_Smith · 02-08-2019 10:05PM

Just be you. Respond as you would respond sh*t news is sh*t news, your friend knows that and they know you. You can't make them feel worse. 'Sorry to hear that' and a really simple 'How are you', can open the doors.

lulu1 · 03-08-2019 12:02AM

Whatever it is op it might not be as bad as you think. If it is bad news just react normally no need to have fancy words rehearsed

Faith · 03-08-2019 10:01AM

As others have said, just let him talk about what he wants to. Don’t try and control the conversation or change topics because you think he might be uncomfortable. Whether it’s illness, divorce, whatever - people generally want to talk about the issue and not have people shy away from it. Particularly in bereavement I’ve had people tell me that they’re desperate to talk about the illness or the person or their fears etc, and it’s quite upsetting for them when others try and avoid that topics.

If you feel particularly sad or overwhelmed, you can address that but you can reflect it back on to him to stop from making it about you. Something like “Jesus John, that’s bloody awful. I’m absolutely devastated to hear that and, tbh, I feel like crying. I can’t even imagine how it feels for you?”

Hector Savage · 05-08-2019 03:49PM

Thanks all, turned out it was what I feared, but there is hope for him.
Don't wanna give too many details, but he has had surgery , got the tumour out but he still needs chemo.

I have to say his positivity on the whole thing was inspiring.

hawley · 05-08-2019 04:05PM

Hector Savage wrote: »

Thanks all, turned out it was what I feared, but there is hope for him.
Don't wanna give too many details, but he has had surgery , got the tumour out but he still needs chemo.

I have to say his positivity on the whole thing was inspiring.

That's good news anyway. Hope that your talk was some help to him.

Hector Savage · 06-08-2019 07:52AM

^^ It seemed to be , like people have mentioned on here, these talks are for them to talk it out and really listening is the best that you can do.
Of course I offered him commiserations and support , but I think its secondary at times like this..

RMAOK · 06-08-2019 10:36AM

Hector Savage wrote: »

Thanks all, turned out it was what I feared, but there is hope for him.
Don't wanna give too many details, but he has had surgery , got the tumour out but he still needs chemo.

I have to say his positivity on the whole thing was inspiring.

Hopefully, your Friend makes a full recovery

hawley · 06-08-2019 11:22AM

Hector Savage wrote: »

^^ It seemed to be , like people have mentioned on here, these talks are for them to talk it out and really listening is the best that you can do.
Of course I offered him commiserations and support , but I think its secondary at times like this..

It's great that he had someone like you who he could open up to. I'm sure that it helped him a lot. Hopefully you'll get to meet up with him when he's feeling better.

Hannibal_Smith · 06-08-2019 11:30AM

RMAOK wrote: »

Hopefully, your Friend makes a full recovery

Same here. Hope he makes a full recovery.

hawley · 06-08-2019 12:05PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Same here. Hope he makes a full recovery.

Hopefully he makes a full recovery. Keep us updated on it if you can. It was nice of you to be there for him.

poisonated · 11-08-2019 10:24PM

I hope your friend recovers. From what I’ve heard, chemo is awful to have to go through but it can be very effective.

Calypso Realm · 13-08-2019 09:12AM

poisonated wrote: »

I hope your friend recovers. From what I’ve heard, chemo is awful to have to go through but it can be very effective.

Actually, while that is true for some, it's thankfully not always the case. Chemotherapies and the use of anti-sickness drugs have vastly improved over the years and some people virtually sail through the process and are even able to work! My neighbour only felt ill once, enabling her to carry on much the same as normal! I would never have known had she not told me.

The fact your friend has a positive attitude is a really good thing!

Ursus Horribilis · 13-08-2019 09:49AM

Positivity can also be denial or simply a coping mechanism. Hopefully your friend will be OK. In the meantime, do whatever you can to help him. Be it talking to him on the phone or even going out to visit and helping him there. It's good to have no regrets or "if only" thoughts.

Expecting very bad news from an old friend

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