Partner has left me

Ursus Horribilis · 20-04-2018 06:44AM

This is a side issue that may or may not mean anything. Is there a reason why you never married despite being together 10 years?

MeTheMan · 20-04-2018 06:45AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Twice for maybe ten minutes each time while I dropped him some of his stuff. Both times he was getting worked up and angry with everything I said. He did kiss me but it was like he didn't want to.

Maybe an afternoon together would be a good thing. See how you feel. Try not to question everything, have an afternoon like you may have had before he left.

I say this because if it was me going through what he is going through the one person I'd really want there is my partner of 10 years. It may be a case he feels you don't fully understand his situation and have bigger worries, or maybe he is not sure about the relationship.

Talkinghands87 · 20-04-2018 06:47AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

This is a side issue that may or may not mean anything. Is there a reason why you never married despite being together 10 years?

During our time together we have been teens, been students, lived abroad. Getting married is an expense neither of us wanted. I am not the big wedding type. We're both very shy and a wedding never appealed to us. As for a small private wedding, never really cared much for getting married

Ursus Horribilis · 20-04-2018 06:54AM

OK. Fair enough. I thought maybe he might have been afraid of committing in that way and that it was manifesting itself in some way.

Tell me how · 20-04-2018 07:44AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Another thing frustrating me is him not actually talking to me. He ignores my messages, hasn't called once. But has met his friends and been messaging his friends.

How can he act normal around them but not me?

I asked him last night why he was torturing only me and he said "how am I torturing you" he has no idea. It's like he thinks I have no right to be upset or angry.

I'm curious. Do you consider the relationship over? Or are you trying to maintain it (in name) until he is better?

I think he needs time to work on his issues and to not have you "clouding" the picture. And I say that without at all suggesting you are causing them but simply you are in a place where you are dealing with a relationship breakdown, he is dealing with depression. I think he wants or needs to focus solely on himself for a period.
Unfortunately, for you that might mean accepting it is over and looking towards what you need to do to move past this terrible period.

Who knows what the future will bring but right now he broke the relationship so as to look after himself. If you started thinking it was over, would it help you make decisions on apartment and so on.

I might sound like I think this is easy. I don't. I think the unexpected breakup of what was a longterm loving relationship is possibly one of the most difficult things anyone ever has to deal with. But you need to look after yourself now in the same way that he is looking after himself.

Talkinghands87 · 20-04-2018 07:54AM

Tell me how wrote: »

I'm curious. Do you consider the relationship over? Or are you trying to maintain it (in name) until he is better?

I think he needs time to work on his issues and to not have you "clouding" the picture. And I say that without at all suggesting you are causing them but simply you are in a place where you are dealing with a relationship breakdown, he is dealing with depression. I think he wants or needs to focus solely on himself for a period.
Unfortunately, for you that might mean accepting it is over and looking towards what you need to do to move past this terrible period.

Who knows what the future will bring but right now he broke the relationship so as to look after himself. If you started thinking it was over, would it help you make decisions on apartment and so on.

I might sound like I think this is easy. I don't. I think the unexpected breakup of what was a longterm loving relationship is possibly one of the most difficult things anyone ever has to deal with. But you need to look after yourself now in the same way that he is looking after himself.

I don't want it to be over. I guess im hoping everyday that he will say he wants to see me or come back. He has been telling me he needs time to work things out but when I've asked if he wants to break up he says no so he's giving me mixed signals.

Tell me how · 20-04-2018 08:04AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

I don't want it to be over. I guess im hoping everyday that he will say he wants to see me or come back. He has been telling me he needs time to work things out but when I've asked if he wants to break up he says no so he's giving me mixed signals.

My heart goes out to you. It really does. This feeling you are in the middle of is worse than dealing with a fatality in some ways.

I hope you have a friend or sibling or colleague or whoever who knows what you are dealing with and is helping you where they can. I'm glad to see you made contact with your therapist. Someone needs to be entirely focused on what you need in order to be well.

Talkinghands87 · 20-04-2018 08:19AM

Tell me how wrote: »

My heart goes out to you. It really does. This feeling you are in the middle of is worse than dealing with a fatality in some ways.

I hope you have a friend or sibling or colleague or whoever who knows what you are dealing with and is helping you where they can. I'm glad to see you made contact with your therapist. Someone needs to be entirely focused on what you need in order to be well.

Thanks very much. It's funny how little decisions all of a sudden are big now. I was on the hunt for a new car and the one I wanted just became available in the garage back home but now im wondering if im better getting a bigger car for the commute. Little things have now become decisions.

Tell me how · 20-04-2018 08:26AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Thanks very much. It's funny how little decisions all of a sudden are big now. I was on the hunt for a new car and the one I wanted just became available in the garage back home but now im wondering if im better getting a bigger car for the commute. Little things have now become decisions.

You could see this as a sign! Irrespective of a possible commute, if you had already identified this car as one you wanted, buy it for that reason.

ASISEEIT · 20-04-2018 09:02AM

I would suggest you see a counsellor yourself whom you can talk things through. Your workplace might provide a service.
Ask your doctor if not. Yes it might be extra expense but you probably only need 5/6 sessions. The counsellor will help you plot a course. Either that or arrange to meet a friend or family member once a week.
These forums are intially useful but you are getting too much advice and much of it contradictory.
Five or six hours of counselling does not mean you are depressed. Its more of a support .

Tell me how · 20-04-2018 09:26AM

ASISEEIT wrote: »

I would suggest you see a counsellor yourself whom you can talk things through. Your workplace might provide a service.
Ask your doctor if not. Yes it might be extra expense but you probably only need 5/6 sessions. The counsellor will help you plot a course. Either that or arrange to meet a friend or family member once a week.
These forums are intially useful but you are getting too much advice and much of it contradictory.
Five or six hours of counselling does not mean you are depressed. Its more of a support .

See post from OP.

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

I've a few friends to talk to but they are busy with their own lives so it's difficult. I had been seeing a councellor and have made an appt for sat morning.

kunst nugget · 20-04-2018 09:40AM

Tell me how wrote: »

You could see this as a sign! Irrespective of a possible commute, if you had already identified this car as one you wanted, buy it for that reason.

I don't know if it's really that simple... if she was buying the car originally to tip around the city, a small petrol would be grand but if she's doing long commutes, she might want to look at a diesel for the economics in terms of fuel. Then a diesel that's only doing a low mileage and short stop start journeys around a city can run into lots of problems in terms of maintenance.

ASISEEIT · 20-04-2018 09:40AM

Tell me how wrote: »

See post from OP.

Keep up with the counsellor. He/she will have a full narrative plus a better understanding than we do of your situation. I will leave it here but encourage you to contact threshold asap about your rights.
I would not fear a shared apartment. It might only be temporary. You might get back together.
You don't have to talk much to others in that situation and might force you out to do activities or go for a walk . Fron what you have posted it here i have confidence you will ride out this storm. Remember you can only control yourself not him. We cause ourselves most pain when we think we can mould others

Faith · 20-04-2018 11:17AM

What was the relationship like before he left? From your later posts, I'm being left with a niggling feeling that there could have actually been some difficulties in the relationship. Is this break up completely out of the blue or had things been rocky?

Talkinghands87 · 20-04-2018 01:14PM

Faith wrote: »

What was the relationship like before he left? From your later posts, I'm being left with a niggling feeling that there could have actually been some difficulties in the relationship. Is this break up completely out of the blue or had things been rocky?

Things were a little tricky in that he didn't like Dublin. We didn't know what we wanted long term etc etc. But never in million years thought it was this bad.

dr.fuzzenstein · 20-04-2018 03:06PM

OP, have you looked into subletting your apartment?
Yes, you're still sharing, but with someone of your choosing and you won't have to move.

GingerLily · 20-04-2018 04:12PM

dr.fuzzenstein wrote: »

OP, have you looked into subletting your apartment?
Yes, you're still sharing, but with someone of your choosing and you won't have to move.

And sleep where?

Big Bag of Chips · 20-04-2018 04:29PM

I don't know, OP. My husband suffers with depression, and definitely I have born the brunt of it over the years. Where he would seem ok with others, going out regularly etc, yet at home barely speaking to me, being "in a mood", and generally making me feel ilke somehow I was causing it.

I know I wasn't, but logic and sense doesn't come in to it when you are living it. I often hear people comparing depression to cancer/broken leg etc and asking if you'd turn your back on someone if they had cancer. My husband asked me the question at times. And I honestly told him - if he knew he had a cancer, if he knew there was treatment available to manage/cure his cancer, but he willing choose not to take it knowing that it was putting a pressure and strain on my life and on our relationship, then yes - I would have to consider turning my back for my own sake. Alcoholism is also an illness, but partners of alcoholics tend to get a bit more sympathy in the "you don't have to put up with it" stakes!

It is so so difficult being in a relationship with someone suffering from depression. Especially when you are the one bearing the brunt of it. Often times you don't talk to friends and family about it because you don't want to betray the loyalty you feel to your partner. You can only make the decisions that feel right for you. But if it all gets too much then don't feel bad for saying you can't deal with it anymore. After all it's exactly what he has done. If he's not even that bothered to see you (sparing you 10 minutes after you've driven to drop things to him?) then maybe there is more to this than he is admitting to you, and himself at the moment. If you are the one person he doesn't want to see or be around at the moment, then you have to ask where that leaves you? Maybe he's looking for a break/break up but is afraid to say it? Or is keeping his options open?

Is he attending a GP regularly? Has he seen a psychiatrist? Psychologist? Is he on medication? Attending counselling?

You cannot remain in an eternal limbo.

B0jangles · 20-04-2018 04:52PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>No need to repost the entire post.

I have close family members with depression and the pressure it puts on partners and other family members is something that is rarely mentioned.

They are supposed to be supportive and always ready to listen, to understand and to 'be there' for the depressed person, and not expect anything back.

That's exhausting, it's draining and long-term it builds resentment.

Depression is a terrible illness to experience no question; I've been there myself. But it's an uncomfortable fact that many depressed people can also be extremely self-absorbed and prone to lashing out defensively at those closest to them.

OP, you need to look after yourself first and foremost.

Talkinghands87 · 20-04-2018 08:09PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>No need to repost the entire post.

A great response, thanks.

Yes he has seen a GP regularly the last 8/9 months. He is currently trying a new medication. He was due to start therapy today but it was cancelled until next Friday as the therapist was sick (grrrr)
I just had a friend over to visit me and it's funny how I act around them like everything is fine, like im coping. Then I go to bed and cry myself to sleep ðŸ˜¥

Talkinghands87 · 21-04-2018 07:05AM

I'm up all night sick with the flu which obviously has my head going in circles.

I text him and asked him did he still love me that this was unfair. He replied and said "I'm half asleep" I said why are u punishing me it's an easy yes or no question if you actually love me. He replied and said "I'm not punishing you" he is completely avoiding the question. He is stringing me alone. The problem is, is this the depression or how he really feels?

Big Bag of Chips · 21-04-2018 07:27AM

I think up to a point it's nearly irrelevant. He was awake enough to reply, twice. But not awake enough to simply type "of course" or "yes". It could be the depression, of course it could. But that doesn't make it any easier for you. If he hasn't the energy to tell you he loves you, yet he has the energy to tell you to stop bothering him then rather than waiting for him to make a decision, you can.

You still have choices. You still have the ability to make a decision. Even if that decision is that you are not going to contact him for 1 week, and see what happens. Give him the space he is asking you for. It is very very unfair on you. It is very difficult. And I absolutely get what you said about being all smiley and upbeat in front of friends and then crying when they're gone. It is an awful life to live, and it is a situation that you have little control in.

There are all types of people, and all types of people suffer with depression. Sometimes a genuinely nice person suffers and can't help themselves. But it is also possible to suffer and be an added arsehole on top! My husband is generally a nice person, and often times his depression caused certain behaviours, but sometimes he was just an arsehole too! For me, even though it took a while, I was eventually able to tell the difference.

I would suggest, difficult as it is going to be that you pull back a bit. Do not contact him for a few days. It will be incredibly difficult, but it is what is needed right now. It will give you both a bit of time to get your heads together without the distraction of everything else going on. What you are doing now isn't working. It's not helping and it's not giving you any answers. So change what you're doing and see what happens.

I know you desperately want answers, you desperately want reassurance, you want explanations, you want to hear good news and concrete plans. You're not going to get any of that. Not yet. So hard as it will be, avoid contact, avoid asking him. If this continues indefinitely with no sign of him attempting to come back to your relationship, then you have a hard decision to make.

Faith · 21-04-2018 09:39AM

I’m wondering, OP, if you reflect back on your relationship, are you always dancing to your partner’s tune? You’re giving him all of the power in this scenario and I wonder if that’s a reflection of the general power dynamics in your relationship. Do you feel like you can challenge him when he behaves badly? Or do you quietly put up with a lot of things even though they make you unhappy?

Many years ago, my boyfriend broke up with me - out of the blue, I thought at the time. I was devastated. But through the support of very wise friends and a lot of introspection, I realized that things had been on the rocks for ages. We’d been fighting, we’d both been making each other unhappy and my needs were certainly not getting met. Again, like you, I gave him all of the power when we broke up and it makes me cringe to think about it now, but at the time, I was just so desperate for him to love me again.

Once I figured this out, I vowed never to give someone that kind of power over me again. You are a whole person who can make decisions for herself. The question to ask isn’t “Does he still love me and want to be with me?”, it’s “Do I still love him and want to be with him?”. Park the depression aspect and really think about that question for a while.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-04-2018 11:12AM

Read and re-read Faith's post! Like I said in a previous post, yes, my husband suffered/suffers from depression. But a lot of the time he was just being an arsehole and using his depression as an excuse. As Faith suggested, I tip-toed around. I danced to his tune. I stopped going out because he "couldn't cope" with the children, yet he could be out regularly up to 7 nights a week!

It was when I realised that regardless of his depression he was treating me in a way I would not tolerate from anyone else in my life that things changed. I got to a point where depression or not, I had to tell him he was a dickhead hiding behind an illness. Funnily enough when I stood up for myself and said 'enough', things changed. Hugely. He still suffers with depression, but he is no longer an arsehole!

As Faith says, he doesn't hold all the power. At least he shouldn't. Nobody should tell you what you have to tolerate in a relationship. Nobody has the right to make you feel responsible for someone else. Nobody has the right to tell you your feelings and needs are wrong, or less than someone else's. My needs and feelings came second to someone else's for far too long. I considered his feelings and needs a hell of a lot more than mine were ever considered (by both of us). I would have thought I had no choice but live with my husband's carry on "because he has depression, and it wasn't his fault". Except a lot of what he was doing and saying WAS his fault and I did have a choice to put up with it or not.

I eventually chose not to.
(Although it took years to get to that point. And a lot of tears (that were hidden from everyone)!)

Talkinghands87 · 21-04-2018 05:42PM

Having been to the counsellor today it went well.
She basically said what everyone on here was saying. That i need to stop letting him control everything. He has gotten to dictate everything and so far I've gone along with it. She said I need to cut contact and let him see I won't be forced into doing things his way.

The last thing he said to me was that he need to be on his own that he's happier by himself.

I miss him so much. My heart aches for him to hug me and tell me this is all a joke.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-04-2018 07:19PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

I miss him so much. My heart aches for him to hug me and tell me this is all a joke.

He knows that, and in a cruel way he's using that against you. Her fairly sure that he can treat you badly, keep you dangling with vague statements and that if he decides the grass isn't greener elsewhere that you will welcome him back with open arms.

He wouldn't treat his friends like that, because he know they wouldn't tolerate it, depressed or not.

I think you need to start listening to what he has said, and what he isn't saying. He has told you he'd be happier alone. He hasn't told you he loves you when you asked him straight out. People can say it's just the depression talking and he doesn't mean it. But that's people hoping for the best for you. This has been going on almost a month for you. I'm sorry, but it's not looking good. The worst thing about it all is that he has taken the cowards way by just disappearing after 10 years together and hoping you'll just forget it.

Talkinghands87 · 21-04-2018 07:34PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He wouldn't treat his friends like that, because he know they wouldn't tolerate it, depressed or not.

.

That's very true. He eventually said he does love me but needs to be on his own where no one is pressuring him. It kills me. We have been together from our teens to our 30s I don't know how to be with out him.

I don't see me with anyone else. I don't even know how to find someone else. I want him and him only but I want him well. All I can do is curl up and cry. Life is so **** right now.

Tell me how · 21-04-2018 10:27PM

Talkinghands87 wrote:

I don't see me with anyone else. I don't even know how to find someone else. I want him and him only but I want him well. All I can do is curl up and cry. Life is so **** right now.

I've bolded the important part.
All of these are normal thoughts and fears. For now. And possibly for a while because, yes, 10 years is a long time. But they will change. Don't dwell on the distant future.

Just get up tomorrow to do what is right for you for tomorrow, that's it. And then Monday, Tuesday, and so on.

LegacyUser · 21-04-2018 10:45PM

Talkinghands... I'm going through exactly what your going through. Partner of 10 yrs broke up with me 3 weeks ago because he had doubts.
I'm devastated and in a mess but...today was a good day.
I have cut all contact because as other people mentioned he was the one with all the control. (This is extremely hard to do) I'm hurt...I'm heartbroken but I (and you) will be okay. I have supported and stood by him but this is their loss. I know all situations are different but we need to look after us now!! We will be fine!!!

lost22 · 21-04-2018 10:48PM

Talkinghands... I'm going through exactly what your going through. Partner of 10 yrs broke up with me 3 weeks ago because he had doubts.
I'm devastated and in a mess but...today was a good day.
I have cut all contact because as other people mentioned he was the one with all the control. (This is extremely hard to do) I'm hurt...I'm heartbroken but I (and you) will be okay. I have supported and stood by him but this is their loss. I know all situations are different but we need to look after us now!! We will be fine!!!

Partner has left me

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