is it cruel?

LegacyUser · 03-07-2016 10:47AM

OP, what you're asking for is respect from someone who may have shown you no respect by having flings on business trips while you were dealing with terrible grief (and my sympathy on the loss of both your parents OP). If you think about it rationally, it's something you'll never get. You want to know if the woman you were with was a fake for the 4 years or was always that really lovely partner you first met and did she just make a mistake in the end? I think you've got your answer...your girlfriend may not have been the person you thought she was so don't expect contact and answers on whether she had an affair or not.

You have shown great self respect and courage in walking away from a toxic situation. You may be confusing the feelings from the grief of losing your parents with the loss of your girlfriend. You probably crave a conversation with your parents but know that's not possible but you know the silence from your ex girlfriend can be addressed and it's becoming an obsession. Let her go. If she confessed to having an affair then you'll want to know Why, then you'll obsess about who with?...and the danger there is cheaters tend to deflect the blame back on their partner, it was your fault for some reason, that's the last avenue you want to go down.....get out there and enjoy your life and leave her get on with trimming her garden for someone else ...

movingforward · 03-07-2016 10:49AM

dellas1979 wrote: »

People say all sorts of things. Youve held her at her word.
I am not sure why you are so gun ho on, right now, being friends with an ex, who youve no answers from, or who wont contact you.

Thats why my advice is, concentrate on yourself. And in time, I guarantee you, things will come out.

it's not that I'm gun ho on right now, I just don't get not replying even if its to say I dont want to meet again and good luck,, but thanks for your input and words and for your time,, everybody thank you for you time, time is precious

Username212016 · 03-07-2016 10:51AM

You mentioned she got a big promotion with late hours and lots of business trips, but you also say she doesn't work much cos she works in a college? I don't know what her job is exactly but some of my friends who work in colleges are some of the most busy and exhausted with work.

And even if she is good at her job, a promotion to manager would most certainly come with more responsibility and new challenges? And business trips cab be exhausting.

As for trimmings etc, suffice to say I'd be VERY surprised if she never did it at all in 4 years!!

The red flags you mentioned so far don't seem like a sure indicative of having an affair, and if she wasn't having one, I can imagine she must have been pretty upset by being accused of it out of the blue.

I'm also surprised by the timeline - was this issue happening only in the last past months? I'm being devil's advocate again, and Im very sorry about your mom, but if she did get an increased workload after the promotion, followed by an ultimatum to give more time, followed by the suggestion that she was doing the dirty and a sudden break up, she might be quite shocked and in pain.

Ursus Horribilis · 03-07-2016 10:51AM

movingforward wrote: »

it's not that I'm gung ho on right now, I just don't get not replying even if its to say I don't want to meet again and good luck,, but thanks for your input and words and for your time,, everybody thank you for you time, time is precious

If (1) she's with someone else now or has cheated on you and (2) the break-up was unpleasant, you are the last person she's going to want to talk to.

movingforward · 03-07-2016 10:51AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm sorry but to this all I can say is "Wake up and smell the coffee". It's as plain as the nose on your face that she was putting in that bit of special effort for someone on that trip. I am a lady and I can assure you that temperatures down there don't fluctuate that wildly depending on the extent of grooming. Women don't groom themselves in that area because the weather's warm and they want to cool down a bit.

Another straw you're clutching at is her statement that you could be friends. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. She has shown that she has no interest in being your friend. You've got to accept that.

i get this.. but what im asking is why not give me the respect in admitting to me when i asked. why be a coward!!! why not admit it to me so i can say yep i wasnt actually going mental

batmanrobin · 03-07-2016 10:52AM

movingforward wrote: »

I broke up because I also wasn't getting time!! I wasn't getting any communication, I was falling to second and third priority. so I ended it and we both said we would meet in a few weeks and chat things. shes vanished and i am being selfish???

Okay, so why exactly do you want to be friends with someone who was treating you like that?

You don't seem to understand: it doesn't matter what she has said, she's showing you she's not interested. She doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to be friends, she doesn't want anything.

Accept that. Focus on yourself and move forward with your life. Given all that has gone on in your life over the last few years, it might be no bad thing to take some time to yourself.

Ursus Horribilis · 03-07-2016 10:52AM

Life isn't as black and white as that I'm afraid. Not everyone acts or thinks like you.

dellas1979 · 03-07-2016 10:55AM

movingforward wrote: »

I just don't get not replying even if its to say I dont want to meet again and good luck

That is her choice!

Get all your facts first. Then decide if a friendship can develop. IF she had been playing away, I severly doubt youll want that in this case.

Give it time.

You are putting the cart before the horse here. And getting all muddled up.

Edit: Am also just wondering, are you using this whole friends thing (maybe you dont realise this, but think about it) as a pretense to get answers. As said, youre kindof going about it backwards/mixed up.

movingforward · 03-07-2016 11:20AM

dellas1979 wrote: »

That is her choice!

Get all your facts first. Then decide if a friendship can develop. IF she had been playing away, I severly doubt youll want that in this case.

Give it time.

You are putting the cart before the horse here. And getting all muddled up.

Edit: Am also just wondering, are you using this whole friends thing (maybe you dont realise this, but think about it) as a pretense to get answers. As said, youre kindof going about it backwards/mixed up.

Maybe answers are part of it. but maybe ill never get them maybe they dont exist.. ill keep moving regardless. thanks guys.

Ursus Horribilis · 03-07-2016 11:26AM

We can't say for sure whether she did cheat or not but that grooming thing is definitely suspicious. One thing you should know is that cheaters usually minimise what they've been up to. They'll only admit to what they think they can get away with or what is provable. So even if you meet her and ask her the question, you'll most likely come away with a new set of troubles. I've seen so many threads here from people seeking closure. It's not something that everyone gets so it's up to you to draw your own line under this. Her silence speaks volumes.

batmanrobin · 03-07-2016 11:31AM

movingforward wrote: »

Maybe answers are part of it. but maybe ill never get them maybe they dont exist.. ill keep moving regardless. thanks guys.

It's human nature to want answers. We think if we get answers then we can properly move forward. Oftentimes though answers just lead to more questions or can result in us beating ourselves up over things.

Be kind to yourself, OP. Take a break from women and focus on yourself and deal with all that has gone on in your life.
Focussing on yourself will help you move forward in a way that answers from her never will. Trust me, I speak from experience.

movingforward · 03-07-2016 11:33AM

thanks everyone for the input. maybe I was wrong to come here!! maybe i should have just kept going. i had a moment i suppose.. i will say this. I never accused her out right, I asked if anything has changed or if she need to talk about anything,, she got really defensive!! I ended the relationship based on wanting more out of it, someone spend my life with. but after mam passed lots of things started flooding back,, i also never gave an ultimatum. I would never do that!! i sat down and asked if we could start going on more dates again, more hiking and living. I asked if we could work on communication, she said yes to all but then nothing, so In a way i feel I had no option but to end it!! like it was the only choice i had!!! and I did, nicely and respectfully, no accusations then she was going away for a couple of weeks with girls. then she cam back and nothing... think this is what I should have said first!!

movingforward · 03-07-2016 11:34AM

batmanrobin wrote: »

It's human nature to want answers. We think if we get answers then we can properly move forward. Oftentimes though answers just lead to more questions or can result in us beating ourselves up over things.

Be kind to yourself, OP. Take a break from women and focus on yourself and deal with all that has gone on in your life.
Focussing on yourself will help you move forward in a way that answers from her never will. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Thank you. I will surely!! im heading to family in cork next weekend so something good. and gigs lined up... i just wanted her out my head so i can move,,,, crazy but we live on.

Colser · 03-07-2016 11:38AM

movingforward wrote:

i get this.. but what im asking is why not give me the respect in admitting to me when i asked. why be a coward!!! why not admit it to me so i can say yep i wasnt actually going mental

You're wrecking your head OP.I bet that if she met up and told you she never cheated you wouldn't believe it and would end up feeling worse than you do now.
She may not have been but if she was I doubt that she will admit it.

You really sound frantic and I can totally empathise.Unfortunately it takes a long time to get over being cheated on and you're in the early stages trying to get your head around it.

The only thing that would sort you out at the moment is definitive proof that she did or didn't but that's unlikely to happen ...you're probably right but it's horrible not being 100% and it eats at you.
Hard to help you or give advice as it's a process that needs to be endured before you start to feel better but it stays with you for a long time.

Hang in there and try to confide in even one person that you trust..it does help to talk and stops you feeling that you're going mad.

Whenever you think about her in a good/loving way try and remember the nasty way she treated you and remember why you broke it off with her,sometimes that helps to keep you grounded. Good luck...

movingforward · 03-07-2016 11:44AM

thank you. guys. ill take it out on the drum kit for the next couple of hours. and thanks everyone. funny thing is i do still wish her all the happiness. and myself also!!

Big Bag of Chips · 03-07-2016 12:10PM

You need to think about if you are really ready to be friends with her. Just say she did cheat on you, with a work colleague. How would you feel meeting up with her for a catch up and she brings him along? Or kisses him goodbye at the door before going in to see you? Even if she didn't cheat, but is dating someone else now, how would you feel meeting up with them both?

She didn't treat you too well. You got fed up and ended it (rightly). She then felt a bit hard done by for being dumped. Your break up sound fairly typical of a lot of break ups to be honest! There's always that period of confusion for a few weeks afterwards of are we/aren't we. Will we/won't we get back together. Don't try to be friends with her now. She wasn't very considerate of you and your time when she was your girlfriend, she's not going to put herself out for you now that she's not.

Move on, without being in contact with her, and you will find someone else.

movingforward · 03-07-2016 12:17PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You need to think about if you are really ready to be friends with her. Just say she did cheat on you, with a work colleague. How would you feel meeting up with her for a catch up and she brings him along? Or kisses him goodbye at the door before going in to see you? Even if she didn't cheat, but is dating someone else now, how would you feel meeting up with them both?

She didn't treat you too well. You got fed up and ended it (rightly). She then felt a bit hard done by for being dumped. Your break up sound fairly typical of a lot of break ups to be honest! There's always that period of confusion for a few weeks afterwards of are we/aren't we. Will we/won't we get back together. Don't try to be friends with her now. She wasn't very considerate of you and your time when she was your girlfriend, she's not going to put herself out for you now that she's not.

Move on, without being in contact with her, and you will find someone else.

honestly?? releived to know I wasnt going crazy! id be annoyed for sure but in time i guess i would be happy for her in time, I know I will move on, w have to .. maybe being friends was just to gain answers but I thank you for your words and time. I will take everyones advice and move on. do i lose this thread now or the mods??

LegacyUser · 03-07-2016 12:46PM

Hi OP, I'm going through a similar breakup at the moment and thought I'd share from my (female) perspective as the one who got broken up with. My ex bf and I were together 3 years and he ended things 2 weeks ago, like you and your ex time was an issue, he was spending an increased amount of time at work / other commitments to the detriment of our relationship. Like you I was asking for more time and better communication, we too agreed to work on it and everything seemed to be OK for a few weeks until he ended things.

He like you sent a text afterwards to ask to talk things through and wanted to be friends, and honestly though I would eventually like this, this text made me so angry- it was his decision to end the relationship, he had had time in making this decision to adjust to the mindset of us just being friends, I hadn't. He had time to detach himself from the relationship whereas I was and still am trying to come to terms with the fact that he's not the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel like until I do, I cannot interact with him as a friend.

I do not presume to know how your ex is feeling, but I can see things from a similar perspective and I just wanted to share my experience with you. Just give her time, someone once told me breakups have similar stages to grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and I think it's true, you are grieving the future you thought you would have, it just takes different people different times to reach the acceptance stage and to move on. Give her time and Take care of yourself

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 03-07-2016 03:32PM

I might be way off the mark here but I wonder if pouring all this mental energy into this might be a way of avoiding processing your grief over your parents, at least to some extent? That's a very short space of time to lose both parents, at any age. You can't control that, you can't change death, and you seem to be pretty fixated on the idea that you can change and control this situation with your ex.

I'm also thinking if the situation with your parents being ill influenced her behaviour. Some people are just terrible with other people's illness and grief, I'm not saying it's right, but it might explain her withdrawing.

I'm glad to see you're going to a counsellor, losing both parents and ending a long term relationship in such a short time is very rough. It's good that you're keeping going forward and being social, but it's OK to not be OK right now. I'd be on the fcuking floor if I were you tbh. No wonder you were shaking writing the OP. Think about talking to your friends about it too, don't worry about not bad mouthing her

movingforward · 03-07-2016 03:50PM

Skyla Rhythmic Sandstone wrote: »

I might be way off the mark here but I wonder if pouring all this mental energy into this might be a way of avoiding processing your grief over your parents, at least to some extent? That's a very short space of time to lose both parents, at any age. You can't control that, you can't change death, and you seem to be pretty fixated on the idea that you can change and control this situation with your ex.

I'm also thinking if the situation with your parents being ill influenced her behaviour. Some people are just terrible with other people's illness and grief, I'm not saying it's right, but it might explain her withdrawing.

I'm glad to see you're going to a counsellor, losing both parents and ending a long term relationship in such a short time is very rough. It's good that you're keeping going forward and being social, but it's OK to not be OK right now. I'd be on the fcuking floor if I were you tbh. No wonder you were shaking writing the OP. Think about talking to your friends about it too, don't worry about not bad mouthing her

my parents were pretty ill and in the end became different, they were hurting so now that they are not anymore i find solace that I will see them again one day. we all have to. and maybe i have spent too much time thinking about the ex. maybe i needed today to see it. thank you all for your input.... onwards and upwards.

LegacyUser · 03-07-2016 10:12PM

Hi OP, I'm going through a similar breakup at the moment and thought I'd share from my (female) perspective as the one who got broken up with. My ex bf and I were together 3 years and he ended things 2 weeks ago, like you and your ex time was an issue, he was spending an increased amount of time at work / other commitments to the detriment of our relationship. Like you I was asking for more time and better communication, we too agreed to work on it and everything seemed to be OK for a few weeks until he ended things.

He like you sent a text afterwards to ask to talk things through and wanted to be friends, and honestly though I would eventually like this, this text made me so angry- it was his decision to end the relationship, he had had time in making this decision to adjust to the mindset of us just being friends, I hadn't. He had time to detach himself from the relationship whereas I was and still am trying to come to terms with the fact that he's not the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel like until I do, I cannot interact with him as a friend.

I do not presume to know how your ex is feeling, but I can see things from a similar perspective and I just wanted to share my experience with you. Just give her time, someone once told me breakups have similar stages to grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and I think it's true, you are grieving the future you thought you would have, it just takes different people different times to reach the acceptance stage and to move on. Give her time and Take care of yourself

is it cruel?

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