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Heres a few --

  • 03-06-2003 8:38pm
    #1
    Kai
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 604 ✭✭✭


    ill post a few in one thread, eh again some of these are fairly offensive but thats the way i like em.


    One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne. The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she go?" Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.

    A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.

    No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang once again. Bubba opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said, "Hi, My name is Chuck." With that, Bubba shot him dead.



    One day little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher said we are going to play the guesing game. "Ok I have something round and orange in my lunch sack." The teacher sees Johnny with his hand up and calls on him.

    "An orange" Johnny says. She says "no, but I like the way your thinking". "Ok lets try again. I have something round and red in my lunch sack". And again johnny has his hand up. So she calls on him again. He says "an apple".

    She says "no, but I like the way your thinking". So at recess Johnny asks he teacher if he could play the geussing game with her. She says sure. "Ok I have something round, hard, and has a head on it in my pocket". She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She tells Johnny to head to the principals office, Johnny turns to go. Then the teacher stops him and says "by the way what did you have in your pocket?" He says "a quarter but i like the way your thinking".



    The young lady at the confessional: "Father, put it in my pussy!" "No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another child of God." "Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" "No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred Host".

    "So put it under my armpit!" "No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy Bible". "OK, Father, then take it out of my ass cause it's hurting"


    A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.

    He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

    The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts, "What the **** is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."



    Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

    When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

    I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

    After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.


Comments

  • #2
    Pugsley
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,136 ✭✭✭Pugsley


    A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.

    He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

    The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts, "What the **** is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
    ROFL! dont get the first one, but the rest of them are pretty old :)

    edit: I get the last one now, lol! brilliant.


  • #3
    smiles
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,648 ✭✭✭smiles


    Originally posted by Pugsley
    ROFL! dont get the first one, but the rest of them are pretty old :)

    edit: I get the last one now, lol! brilliant.

    Ermmmm.... reread the first one. with a dirty mind. please.

    << Fio >>


  • #4
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 93,591 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    It is an Americanised version - think of "THE ROPERS" vs. "George & Mildred" and looses a lot in the translation,,,

    Joe / Flo / Show - do you think she'll go ?

    eddie \ betty / spagetti vs. Lance / Nance / Dance / do you think there's a Chance ?

    The original version wth Mr Tucker is just SO MUCH better.. (it's two words..)


    Hints - some of these should have gone into the Little Johnny sticky thread at the top - that way they stay visible longer ;)

    Unfortunately everyone gets the same batch's of jokes on the internet around the same time - chances are if you have been emailed it or discovered it on the interweb recently then it's probably been posted here too recently ...


    keep searching :) !


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