Chauvinism

Rabies

How many men does it take to open a beer?
1. None. It should be opened by the time she
brings it.



Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's
2.. one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



How do you know when a woman is about to say
3. something smart? When she starts her sentence
with "A man once told me . ."



If your dog is barking at the back door and
4. your wife is yelling at the front door, who do
you let in first? The dog of course. He'll
shut up once you let him in.



All wives are alike. They just have different
5. faces so you can tell them apart.



I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I
6. don't like to interrupt her.



What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of
7. her intelligence? Divorced.



Bigamy is having one wife too many. Many say
8. monogamy is the same.



Scientists have discovered a food that
9. diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is
called Wedding Cake.



10. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring,
Wedding Ring, Suffering.



11. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?" I said,"Dust!"



12. In the beginning, God created the earth and
rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then
God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.



13. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
Mothers-in-law.



14. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in
some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens
in every country, son.



15. A man inserted an advertisement in the
classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."

ferdi

nice:cool:

Pimp Ninja

11. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?" I said,"Dust!"

ROTFL

Some good uns there..

Pugsley

10. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring,
Wedding Ring, Suffering.


rofl! brilliance

Sauron

If your dog is barking at the back door and
4. your wife is yelling at the front door, who do
you let in first? The dog of course. He'll
shut up once you let him in.

pure hilarity!

Capt'n Midnight

None.





.






.






It's women's work.

Acidflash

some good ones in there

Spenguin

Some funny jokes there. But it'd be even funnier if you were really a woman.

[Iramus]

lol good stuff;)

Capt'n Midnight

How long should a woman's chain be ?

Long enough to go from the kitchen to the bedroom..

Capt'n Midnight

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings
of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest
completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with
his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when,
starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread
throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boyscouts.

Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.

The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera
Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth(GB)of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm,
she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to
372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley
Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own
record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48,of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going
blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous
jesticulations and indignant spasms.

PacO

Why do women wear white wedding dresses?

Its important that your dishwasher matches the fridge and washing machine.:ninja:

Mac daddy

how do you make a womans job easier?


put the bed in the kitchen.

What is a woman outside of the kitchen?

a convict:D

Capt'n Midnight

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start any time now!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, quick, another beer before it starts!"

"That's it!" She blows her top! "You bum! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me, and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed and said mournfully. "It's started."