some variouos bits and bobs

GoneShootin

pinch of salt required with a few of these

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship.
"You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why," she asks, "because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

The attractive young miss was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," she gulped.
"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.
"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"

If God didn't intend for us to have oral sex, why are penises shaped like hotdogs and vaginas like tacos?

Q. What's the German word for Vaseline?
A. Vienerslide

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't harm you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

Due to a national crisis the French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled.
They have plenty of rackets... but no balls.

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. The Angel queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter" says the Angel. Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual salary was $175." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what ezine did you publish?"

nanook

hate to say this but they aint that great

GoneShootin

hate to say this but they aint that great

lol, thats ok nanook, im not gona hunt you down and kill you



note to self : hunt nanook down and kill him

nanook

ahhhhh crap, another bounty on me head.

oh well

hells angels

i thought some of them were actually pretty funny!!!

eddhorse

i really like the second one about the guy running into his ex...im gonna email it to my ex that dumped me last week , hehehe:D

JohnK

I like 'em

Sangre

Dont get the Jew one...?

frood4t2

Originally posted by Sangre
Dont get the Jew one...?

Don't worry about it, it's fookin' evil.

The ex-girlfriend one is by far the best of this lot.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

lol

that jew one is just brilliant

GoneShootin

Sangre

its a tie in to the Nazi Internment Camps when The Jews were submitted to terrible acts of brutality. the point of it is such that even in those cirumstances, the White v Black racism still holds.

so instead BACK OF THE BUS, as was the case many moons ago, its BACK OF THE OVEN.

if you still gont get it, you need to read up on your history :rolleyes:

Sangre

Ok now I get, I got the concentration camp reference but I didnt get why the White was telling the black to move.

Btw Have you ever known a black jew? I haven't

dahamsta

True story. One of my drinking buddies is German, so naturally he gets to be the butt of many jokes. The usual fare: towels on sunbeds, Herr Flich of the Geshtapo, Don't Mention the War, etc. One night we were really going overboard on the war stuff, and in a bout of drunken idiocy somehow managed to twist the horrors of the death camps into something funny. After a little of this, the German chap turned his eyes down to his pint and looked a little melancholy. In a barely audible voice, he says:

"My grandfather died in one of those camps."

Now we were all turning our eyes down to our pints, trying to avoid having to look at him and each other, trying to come up with some kind of sop to his sadness that wouldn't sound patronising or smartarsed. At which point he looks up again with a big sh1t-eating grin on his face, and says:

"He fell out of a watchtower."

I've never laughed so hard.

adam

GoneShootin

loll, thats a good joke in its own right dahamsta

Victor

Originally posted by Sangre
Btw Have you ever known a black jew? I haven't

There are quite a few, especially those from Ethiopia.

Sangre

Ah right, because I haven't even seen one on Tv (because thats where I learn everything btw....)

Learn something new....

Jaeger

Originally posted by dahamsta
True story. One of my drinking buddies is German, so naturally he gets to be the butt of many jokes. The usual fare: towels on sunbeds, Herr Flich of the Geshtapo, Don't Mention the War, etc. One night we were really going overboard on the war stuff, and in a bout of drunken idiocy somehow managed to twist the horrors of the death camps into something funny. After a little of this, the German chap turned his eyes down to his pint and looked a little melancholy. In a barely audible voice, he says:

"My grandfather died in one of those camps."

Now we were all turning our eyes down to our pints, trying to avoid having to look at him and each other, trying to come up with some kind of sop to his sadness that wouldn't sound patronising or smartarsed. At which point he looks up again with a big sh1t-eating grin on his face, and says:

"He fell out of a watchtower."

I've never laughed so hard.

adam

lmfao! Your mate owned you

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

ROFL

that is brilliant hamsta, best pwn ever!