Several Jokes

smiles

First lot of good jokes i've seen in a long time:

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

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One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

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A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the Same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we are married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies"
He responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

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A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the news That there's a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f****ing hundreds of them!"

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Pugsley

rofl at the last one

JohnK

all good ones

Kwizatz Anorak

That train one is class

kanurocks

Well done all ace man;)

hells angels

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

lol class all very funny...:D

nanook

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A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the news That there's a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f****ing hundreds of them!"

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now that worth smiling at.:D

Ivan

Originally posted by smiles
First lot of good jokes i've seen in a long time:


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the Same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we are married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

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