im a dj! get me out of here!

Executive Steve

heres the projected odds for channel 4's new reality tv show contestants to win...


Grooverider

Dreading the round where contestants compete to dash their brains out against a sharp rock because of a childhood car accident that saw his skull replaced with cardboard, Grooverider is rumoured to have been experimenting with bionic implants, Predator-style, giving him a shoulder-mounted laser cannon, temporary invisibility and the ability to rip someone's spine out with his bare hands. 7-4 F

Aphex Twin

Ability to construct curious geodesic domes from nothing but twigs and damp leaves will no doubt count in his favour during the latter 'Masonic' rounds but his tendencies to lapse into unconsciousness and bite off the faces of competitors that come too close to him will drag him down in any teamwork events. 12-1

Paul Oakenfold

Has an advantage over the other contestants due to having spent the first seventeen years of his life being looked after by a troupe of trance-loving macaque monkeys after his parents' plane crashed in the jungles of Borneo. As such, he knows the wilderness like the EQ knobs on his mixer, and savage misery and crushing loneliness like no other. Said to be looking forward to spending a week shut in a cave with glow-sticks sewn to his eyelids and a colony of rabid vampire bats. 3-1

Lisa Lashes

Was disqualified from the preliminary rounds for slicing off the left ear of each contestant as they slept and stringing them on a necklace around her neck. It was thought that this might put off viewers, get the programme moved to after the 9pm watershed and spark off a new trend on the hard house dancefloors of Wolverhampton. Must now spend each night in a Hannibal Lector-style glass cage. 8-1

Ritchie Hawtin

As a freakish-looking techno baldy goon, our man Ritchie's a big hit with the ladies. When asked what he would be relying on to get him through the coming 'Swamp of Deceit' round, he briefly recalled his time spent as a male nurse in a psychiatric hospital, before smiling and patting a pistol-shaped bulge in his pocket. 'Die. Die. All must die,' he added. 4-1

Lottie

Lottie, famously, is the seventh daughter of Josef Stalin and claims that this gives her an unparalleled insight into the workings of celebrity gameshows. When asked what her tactics would be, she briefly compared her DJing career to the siege of Leningrad before wandering off to dye her enormous, bushy beard. Ability to crack open an otter's head between her forearms will quickly win her allies. 33-1

bazza1981

lol!

Lenny

haha, I like

Executive Steve

please note the junglist is favourite to win...