Friend troubles

YoungNastyMan

ill try and keep this short.

I have a good mate of 8 years, 3 years ago he had an accident, in which he recieved a paralyized arm, and some brain swelling.
hes on medication and rather depressed but it dosent show.
He acts as if it dosent effect him, but
Hes drinking all the time monday - sunday,and shouldnt be
Hes got girl trouble where theres no chance she'll get back with him.
ah but he got his friends, but not for long.
Everyone is getting real pissed off with him, He's milking his situation, and when i say milking it,He's taking complete advantage of peoples sympathy.i wont go into detail.
But everyones fed up, All my mates are constantly trying to ditch him. and he's getting alienated from our circle of friends.
I've tollerated him, and still enjoy his company.
But i dont want him to fall out with the rest of our friends, it will just further his depression, but he constantly pushes the boundries of everyone tollerance.
Im afraid if he falls out with them, he'll hang around with these other mates he has, who are nothing but losers, going nowhere.

ive told him this, but just says **** the lot of ya's, slags us off, and then 2 days later ring us up and act as if nothing the previous night.

Just before you all go posting, about how if were his true friends we'd help him out no matter what.
This has been going on for 3 years now.
And he has no interest in getting better,
by last year he was supposed to have recoverd by 90%
its now been 3 years and he's only reached 20%
the longer he leaves getting the better, he greatly reduces his capacity to recover fully.
Basically he's ****ed and dosent care, and nothing,absolutley nothing, we say can through to him.

This is where you come in any suggestions? all are welcome

Victor

I think he needs a reality check, yes he has been through a rough time and we are meant to stand by our friends in rough times, but by allowing him milk it, it just allows him stagnate where he is. He needs to be challenged.

PS Is he doing any rehabilitation work / occupational therapy?

YoungNastyMan

We dont allow him to milk us. We tell him exactly how we feel.

As for rehabilitation, he's enlisted in all the necessary programs.
But just dosent do his homework. This is his parents problem though, They should be responsibile this issue. And tbh im not to sure what they're playing at. They kinda spoil him, due to all the tradegy. Which i can understand. But cant accept

woolymammoth

its getting to the stage where he's just gonna have to face facts and start helping himself. i think you've been more than a good mate putting up with that for 3 years. he needs to get a clear message that neither you or anybody else is prepared to help him anymore unless he starts to help himself. if he tries to act as if nothing has happened, let him know you haven't forgotten and that unless he's prepared to cop on, and perhaps apologise, that you're not prepared to hang out with him.
He's a big boy now, and you can't prevent him from having these other mates. tell him, if he's quite happy to go nowhere for the rest of his life, good luck. its another case of having to be cruel to be kind, and this bloke needs a severe dose of reality if he's ever to move on with his life.
as a last resort of a good mate, go directly to his folks and tell them what you think of his situation, that they should stop 'spoiling' him and make him cop on a little. he could wind up disliking you for it but, it is for his own good.

dendenz

Tell him out straight he is acting like a complete ****

Victor

Originally posted by woolymammoth
as a last resort of a good mate, go directly to his folks and tell them what you think of his situation, that they should stop 'spoiling' him and make him cop on a little. he could wind up disliking you for it but, it is for his own good.

I agree, whats going to happen 5 or 10 or 20 years down the road where the parents are no longer able to spoil or look after him, due to death, ill health or financial issues?

The Sweeper

If he's not helping himself you can't help him. He may have issues of guilt and blame to get over and they can take years. I knew someone once who got coked out of his head, drank a rake of pints and then proceeded to drive home. He never made it. He crashed his motorcycle on the way.

For the next howevermany years, he tried to blame everyone from his mates from letting him drink to the taxi driver for hitting him etc. etc. etc. Not once was he able to say "I f*cked up".

You haven't given us any background to this accident, but depending on the whys and wherefores perhaps your mate just can't deal with the fact that it happened to him?

Keep going the way you are at the moment - supportive, honest etc. If it's really getting to you, talk to his folks just as honestly as you talk to him. But don't make yourself responsible for his recuperation - it's just not your problem.

annabegins

The only real disability this guy has is that he can't accept that his life has changed. He has set himself doomed.

I was a disability representative for our students union and I had to deal with the most self absorbed self-pitying people.

I found that the truth hurts....but sounds like he doesn't just need a friend. He needs an honest friend. Wallow in self pity with him, tell him how bad his life is and agree with all the negative stuff, you'll find that he'll start standing up for himself.

Sounds harsh but I had to work with the biggest pain in the ass I'd ever met and I bit my tongue cause he was in a wheelchair and I suppose I felt sorry for him. After a few weeks I lost my temper and just cracked. I told him that he was annoying, boring and quite frankly a pain in the ass. His reaction was not what I expected. He reached out a hand and I shook it. He thanked me for my honesty and lack of sympathy. We became such good friends.

Falkorre

hiya,
This is his parents problem though, They should be responsibile this issue.
Actually, no, they shouldnt, at this stage, he should!

Basically, its this simple.
He may be depressed, an it may have been years since the accident, and yes he still may be depressed (certainly soulds like it), but he will have no chance of getting over it till he accecpts the fact that **** happens, and it happened to him, an yeah that sux, big time, but the only thing left to do is stop or go forward.

There really aint no excuse for treating friends like **** for no reason.

What he *may* be going thru is trying (consciously or otherwise), to make people not want to be around him, this is fairly common specially with people with aquired disabilities. It aint easy to accecpt your physical restrictions when you were born with them, accecpting them later in life, when u have experienced life without them, is soo not fun i cant even begin to tellya lol.
But it also aint easy to accecpt that others will still see you the same way, so somtimes the only option *seems* to be to alienate them b4 they have the chance to alienate you, coz of course, being alienated hurts more than alienating others.

If you have known this guy for 8 years, it is probable that he respects you as a person, and your opinions whether u know it or not. I know u say u have, but u need to *strongly* say to him, preferably one to one, (not in a pub ) that his behaviour is unaccecptable and that hes in danger of losing all his mates, and possibly you if he continues to go on as he is. But be constructive, offer to help him find a DECENT counsellor and a DECENT occupational therapist, make him very aware that there is more than one way to skin a cat, and in other words, there is more than one way to live with a disability other than making it the center of your inner-universe.

As far as his parents go, thats between him and them, the fact they treat him like that might actually be frustrating an annoying him a lot more than u realise. Mine used to do that, an lets just say i dint stay living at home for as long as most ppl. But in a way, it motivated me to get the hell outa there an find my own place.
As for the drinking, thats a classic sign of either escapism or self destruction (as hes on meds) or both.
You mentioned brain-swelling, does he now have epilepsy? If he is on anti-epileptic drugs, as I am, then the drinking is not a very good idea, however, he knows this, and its ultimately his decision, i only gave up drinking a few years back an i wouldnt go back, but i had been doing it from an early age.

Hope this helps, feel free to PM

Barry

Victor

Originally posted by annabegins
The only real disability this guy has is that he can't accept that his life has changed. He has set himself doomed.

Well the description indicates his arm is paralysed and he had a head injury.

annabegins

Well Victor his arm may be paralysed but my quote was simply stating that it may not need be an issue.

Falkorre

annabegins: it need not be an issue

I hate to disagree with you but yes, it need be an issue hon.

I dont know if u are disabled or not (having been a disability rep i would hope so), if not u come accross to me as one of those people i have dealt with all my life who like to tell people with disabilities to "get over it".......

With all *due* respect hon, lose an arm /leg /attitude, then say it need not be an issue, maybe ill respect your opinion more.

It is always gonna be an issue, its *how* he deals with *the issue* that matters here.

B

annabegins

Arguing with and trying to get one over me isn't helping here, he asked for advice and I gave advice. Don't be so pernickity. He has a right to different advice.

YoungNastyMan

Thanks for all the replys.
I think confronting his parents is the way to go.
Theres no way give him further b ollockings is gonna achieve a result. Thats been tried and tested.
Im gonna have a chat with one of our mates tonite, Hes closer to the guys family than i am. So he'll know best how to approach his parents.
You've all been quite helpful.

Thanx

ferdi

sounds to me like he needs a reality check/kick up the arse.

Falkorre

Originally posted by annabegins
Arguing with and trying to get one over me isn't helping here, he asked for advice and I gave advice. Don't be so pernickity. He has a right to different advice.

I never said he didnt hon, an why would i be trying to get one over on you? I dont even know u LOL

Im also allowed have an opinion and IMHO *I* just felt that telling him it need not be an issue, *without* any positive suggestion, and without recognising the emotions involved, was both counter-productive and very naive, (and as I said, so typical of many people in the socalled "disability sector" that I have experienced that have no *real* experience of disability).
As for me being "pernickity", well sweetie, I have *no* idea what that word means, (Im not even sure it *is* a word? ).

Ur right about one thing tho' this particular element dosent belong here, so, If u think I wronged u, feel free to PM me, otherwise keep clear of me and I will happilly do likewise dearie. :rolleyes:

B

annabegins

As for me being "pernickity", well sweetie, I have *no* idea what that word means, (Im not even sure it *is* a word? )

Ok so I left an e out but FYI:

pernickety adjective (US USUALLY persnickety) DISAPPROVING
giving too much attention to small unimportant details in a way that annoys other people

Falkorre

Why am i *so* not surprised you posted that?
and FYI, "giving too much attention to small unimportant details in a way that annoys other people", seems 2 me thats what ur doing now.

I wont be responding to u from here on out, so better not to waste either of our time, k? :rolleyes:

B