A dilema

LegacyUser

Ok. So, three friends of mine.

One friend and the other friend are lovers in a fairly serious way.
Thing is, one of the people in this relationship has to the best of my knowledge slept with another one of my friends. A love triangle in the classic sense of the concept.

So do I

A.) Keep my mouth shut.
B.) Spill the beans
C.) Spill the beans incognito?
D.) Do something different.

The thing is the guy, who got cheated on is quite in love with this girl (I think) and I sort of feel as if I owe him due to past events. So it follows what does shifty do?

Opinions, flames, leftfield remarks.

Samson

I don't think it's a good idea to tell him. Consider giving the cheater a warning, along the lines of cut it out or I'll tell him.

Mewzel

chances are it'll all come out in the end, problem is if he then finds out you knew and didnt tell he may resent you for it.

LegacyUser

Spill the beans mate. You are most likely gonna come out of this with one or two less friends no matter what you decide.

If you don't tell, your friend who was cheated on will find out sooner or later. If he finds out that you knew about the cheating and said nothing to him, chances are you lose him as a friend.

If you spill the beans on the other two, you are bound to fall out with one or both of them. Who cares, they deserve it. I would not consider them friends after "cheating" on your other friend.

Mr E

Originally posted by shifty
Thing is, one of the people in this relationship has to the best of my knowledge slept with another one of my friends.

Depends on the circumstances. You said "slept". Are we talking about 3 years ago? Last week? Yesterday?

The more important question is: Did Friend 3 do it while Friend 1 and Friend 2 were together?

- Dave.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by TmB
Depends on the circumstances. You said "slept". Are we talking about 3 years ago? Last week? Yesterday?

The more important question is: Did Friend 3 do it while Friend 1 and Friend 2 were together?

- Dave.

To the best of my knowledge, the infedility has happened within the last six months and yes, both parties are and were allegedly monogamous with each other at the time.

I found out about the departure, oh, about a month ago.
I thought it might be an idea to consult the great cake on this one.

Caesar_Bojangle

If my best friend knew that my gf cheated on me with another friend, i'd want him to tell me. Be a friend tell him but you are bound to lose your other friend as a result of this, and if they do patch things up. She'll probably do her utmost to disassociate herself and her boyfriend from you in spite.

Mac daddy

spill the beans sneaky, don't let on it was you who told him..
Otherwise if he does find out youve lost two friends, because wouldn't like it if your bitch slept with someone else and your best friend knew that it happend and did not tell you.

Kell

Hmmmnn. After much thought and deep consideration, I reckon you should keep your mouth shut. I am basing this on the experience of being a cheater at one point, my best mate knowing both parties (obviously). OK so his allegience was to me in that he didn't tell my ex that I had had it off with some other bird, but knowing him as I do, I reckon that if she had done the dirty on me he would keep schtuck about it as well.

Ye see, at the end of the day it's none of your business and you must remember this. Your mates ignorance to what his GF gets up to is bliss. He may find out, he may not but it is definitely NOT UP TO YOU to stick your oar in and get invloved.

K-

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

but as an anyway decent friend wouldn't it be his place to try and help his friend who got cheated on? ... Maybe try talking to the girl, and get her to admit it to your friend.. so they can talk it over rationally, instead of telling him and having him blow up in her face.

it is quite possible it was just a mistake and that she really does have feelings for your friend, but keeping it hidden like this.. especially if he finds out later on, isn't going to help much in the long run..

unless of course no one ever finds out and everything works out hunky dory.. it's a risk alright, and you'll have to think about whether or not you can live with knowing this...

patch

I suggest you keep out of it. I spilt the beans in a similar situation..... all she has to say is 'nope, never happened' leaving me in the position of either being a liar or jealos of their bliss..........
he'll most likely want to believe HER, and you'll end up the the sh1t-stirring-pr1ck.
I know it's hard but ignore it.

Mighty_Mouse

Agree with previous post - IGNORE IT!!

Not your problem and if she denys it , he believes her, then hows **** creek this time of year!

Or else he'll believe you but love her and not leave her. He then won't want to be around anyone that knows cause he'll feel like a prick.

If it comes out, just tell him you never knew about and if you had of known, you would of been the first to tell him!! Theres not much harm in that.

DeVore

Been there myself.

What I did was to get the lady who cheated on my mate alone for an evening and laughed and joked and just towards the end of the night when we were all comfy and relaxed I said right out of the blue a line from Clerks, "If you ever hurt my mate again, I'll kill you...just so we're clear... <pause> 'nother beer?"
It went down like a lead balloon but I didnt allow time for a discussion and then continued like nothing had happened.

I dunno if it worked or not but it sure stopped her in her tracks that evening and yet we have remained pleasantly on speaking terms.

This might or might not work for you but I dont think you should do nothing if you are sure. Mates are mates and they arent just for christmas.

DeV.

Divine

id spill the beans on the sly so no one knew it was you and then id wait for the girl to break it off and then id shag her :-)




*simple

ferdi

Originally posted by Divine
id spill the beans on the sly so no one knew it was you and then id wait for the girl to break it off and then id shag her :-)

you know it makes sence.

leeroybrown

I'd be very careful if I were you.

From what I've read, you've ssaid that a third firiend slept with one of the others once in the last six months. It sounds very much like a one off indiscression from the way you phrase it and right now one party is seemingly unaware and the other two may have gotten over it.

YOu could end up with one/two/three ex-friends very pissed off with you if you're not careful.

John2002

I would say nothing about it because more than likely it could cause a lot of trouble. I know it sounds shallow and like you're betraying your mate but as long as it doesn't happen again I really think I would leave it alone.

Of course if it did come back to bite you, you would have to deny all knowledge of it. It's a tough call and best of luck with it. I hope you make the right decision.

Victor

Originally posted by DeVore
What I did was to get the lady who cheated on my mate alone for an evening and laughed and joked and just towards the end of the night when we were all comfy and relaxed I said right out of the blue a line from Clerks, "If you ever hurt my mate again, I'll kill you...just so we're clear... <pause> 'nother beer?"
It went down like a lead balloon but I didnt allow time for a discussion and then continued like nothing had happened.

I'm tending towards this direction, without threatening to kill her. Have a discussion with her about cheating. Hint, but don't say that you know.

Mountjoy Mugger

Originally posted by shifty
Ok. So, three friends of mine.

one of the people in this relationship has to the best of my knowledge slept with another one of my friends..

Don't go diggin no holes. Keep out of it, ffs.

Divine

oh my god are ye stupid, grass on the sly, the girl gets heart broken, turns to you, shes needs comforting, you shag her and then say you feel bad on your friend cause they just broke up and end it....not to mention she'l fall into that fooked up love thing with ya cause you just treated her so bad and then you got her any time you want, its a fact i know that would happen, girls are just so easy to get around and everyone thinks there hard, yawn!

Evil Phil

If I were you I'd shut-up and say nothing. Maybe, just maybe if it had been in the last week or two I'd go with Devore's approach, but then again maybe I wouldn't.

You can't tell whats going on in other peoples harts and minds and you may be doing more harm than good.

One question though; Do you like this girl?

thedrowner

Originally posted by shifty


Thing is, one of the people in this relationship has to the best of my knowledge slept with another one of my friends

you said yourself it's only to the best of your knowledge you dont know 100%, so i wouldnt risk upsetting everyone over nothing. even if you do go have a word with this girl and you discover youre wrong she'll be pretty pissed off and tell her fella and it'll cause ructions. check it out for yourself and if youre still not sure then leave it. if you're right, then think about telling him.

Wolf

NEVER SAY ANYTHING!

No matter how right you might be in any of these situation its never a good idea to get involved. When/if the truth comes out and people give out to you say notthing just hold up and hand and say "its got notthing to do with me and it never did sort it out yourselves".

Trust me this is solid gold advice

Doodee

Sometimes it depends on the level of the relationship, however, if its ever happened to anyone they know it isnt pleasant.

Talking to the girl and finding out if it was a mistake may be the best thing, more often then not it could have been a drunken or lonely/depressed fling, if it has happened more than once, then confront her to tell, and if she doesnt, then you really will have to show just how much of a mate you are.

Make sure to break it to him gently, with a clear head, cause you dont want anything happening, and whatever you do, dont make it sound like alot know or even if it was gossip.

He'll prolly question u, and possibly may not believe you, its up to you to be patient with him, and when he confronts her, and if she tells the truth, then he will come to his senses.

Caffine

noone can tell u a right or wrong way to do it, anything u do will have consiquences and rewards

i can speak from experiance tho, not with with 2 friends being lovers, but with 1 keeping things and being a prat behind the others back

in my case i weighed up the options and spilled the beans, i ended up loseing a friend (tho if he was doing that in the first place he wasnt much of a friend) but gaining a very very good friend that knows ill be honest and look out for her

it worked out well for me, but whatever u do make sure u think it through, because if u spill the beans theres no going back

DeVore

Hang on a second.

1. If you dont know for sure then you cant go mucking about.

2. I cant get over the number of people saying "dont cause yourself problems, keep your head down etc".
What sort of mates are you? If a mate of mine needs a kick in the ass to stop him doing something stupid, he'll get it (eg: drunk driving or getting into heroin). Now he might not like it, he might really resent it, ok thats fine. We might never speak again ... thats a risk. However *I've* discharged my duty as a *friend* and if (s)he cant see that then thats their problem and just too bad.

You look out for your mates back, you should be there for them when THEY need YOU not just when you need a drinking buddy.

Yeah it sucks when a mate needs help but thats the bond that should exist. They *should* be willing to do the same for you.
I dont have a load of people I call "mates" because
a. There arent that many people who will stand by you in a tough spot
b. You just cant afford to have that many people who you'll be there for.

I have plenty of "friends" who I hang out with etc but thats something different. I have some mates for life I know would walk on hot coals if I needed it and they know it goes both ways.

If this person means nothing to you then fine, do nothing.. its just another drop in the sea of **** things that happen. If they are your mate then you need to watch out for them. If you arent sure of your facts, either get sure or keep an eye peeled.


DeV.

Kell

Originally posted by DeVore
Hang on a second.

2. I cant get over the number of people saying "dont cause yourself problems, keep your head down etc".
What sort of mates are you?

I am like you too Dev in that I have a small circle of friends that I would go to the end of the Universe for, but I honestly feel my friend's love lives are none of my business at all. Ever and therefore I should never get involved.

I didn't advise the poster to keep schtump to keep himself clear of trouble, I said it as it is none of his business thats all.

K-

Mutz

I've witnessed this in work recently (not a love circle), but one of the lads who I'm good ffirens with was going out with one of the girls (Girl A). He was also seeing two other women at the same time (fair play lol).

They broke up due to him being 'jealous' about her texting another fella (just Friends supposedly, but I wouldnt be suprised if there was something else). One of the other girls (girl in work knew about his adventures with other women while the two were still going out.

She was soo Itching to tell girl A, but I kept advising her to stay away - seriously - it's none of your business, it can only create more harm.

I am still awaiting the outcome of this as Girl A and Girl B are now "Plotting" serious revenge like complete muppets. I can see alot of damage being caused here, so I want nothing to do with it.

My advice - Let it be.

thedrowner

Originally posted by DeVore

2. I cant get over the number of people saying "dont cause yourself problems, keep your head down etc".
What sort of mates are you? If a mate of mine needs a kick in the ass to stop him doing something stupid, he'll get it (eg: drunk driving or getting into heroin). Now he might not like it, he might really resent it, ok thats fine. We might never speak again ... thats a risk. However *I've* discharged my duty as a *friend* and if (s)he cant see that then thats their problem and just too bad.

You look out for your mates back, you should be there for them when THEY need YOU not just when you need a drinking buddy.
DeV.

i feel that you should be careful when telling people life changing things. i know it's a different scenario altogether, but my mum and dad were going to split up a few years ago (they didnt, but thats another story). im really close with my mum and i let her tell me some stuff and now i really wish i'd never heard it.

i know some people don't believe it but i do believe that there are people out there who can just make a mistake, and cheat once off. if i was that person's partner, and someone found out and told me i'd been cheated on, however close they were to me, i'd probably really resent that person. because in the back of my head i might feel that what i don't know can't hurt me. and no one knows, the relationship could go on perfectly till death without the cheater never getting caught, or maybe it could end as soon as it began. i'd hate to be the person who interrupted a good thing though.

its a tough call, and yeah you could be saving someone from trusting a rat, but you could be ruining things for them. and it's all about the victim of the cheat too...if you think he's someone that doesnt want to hear it then dont tell him, and if he does do. i guess you never know until youre in the situation yourself (it's amazing how you can predict your reactions to certain events and when they actually happen you react so differently).

if she's just made a mistake then there's no point possibly ruining the relationship, but if you think it's not a mistak then have a word with her. you never know. you could find out that she's already told him but he never told anyone else coz well...who brag about the fact that they've been cheating on by the person they love. but be careful.

DriftingRain

Awww. It is a tough one. Spill the beans and risk everyone being mad at you or keep secret and it still comming out and everyone still mad at you. I am with the is you are sneaky and get it out without everyone finding out it was really you that is what I would do. But, I hope it is because this person is really your BEST mate, and you have the best of intentions, and not because YOU are feeling left out of the love triangle and wanted it to be a rectangle??????? Good Luck

Typedef

Originally posted by thedrowner

i know some people don't believe it but i do believe that there are people out there who can just make a mistake, and cheat once off. if i was that person's partner, and someone found out and told me i'd been cheated on, however close they were to me, i'd probably really resent that person. because in the back of my head i might feel that what i don't know can't hurt me. and no one knows, the relationship could go on perfectly till death without the cheater never getting caught, or maybe it could end as soon as it began. i'd hate to be the person who interrupted a good thing though.

How can it be a good thing if the girl has slept with her boyfriend's best friend?

Perhaps I lack the "I dont' give a flying fsck" chip, but, somehow I don't think decent people 'never mind friends', keep that sort of information to themselves, lets qualify the proposition and suppose the chap in question (the best friend) had been bragging about his conquest.
Under such circumstances, it becomes very difficult not to get (a) slightly enraged and (b) righteously indignant leading to (c) a desire to import information to either the boyfriend 'letting him know everything' or the girlfriend, letting her know that if you find out she has done anything similar again, you will not hesitate in telling her pertinent other.

But, you can't police other people's relationships and as friend, I would certainly think that the least I could do is impart the information I held to the fella..... perhaps that big brother surfacing in me..

See for me, the difficulty I would have with just letting things slide is.

I was with this gril once (who really I had loved to bits) and one night after drink and hash were involved I snogged her best mate, who I fancied, no biggie, it was a once off thing.

After being with this girl for a year and a half her best friend obviously spilled the beans and I was called to a meeting between the three of us, where 'I' was told that she would never speak to me again, and herself and 'her best friend' sauntered off together.

I thought that was fair and if the established paradigm, is that it is 'right' to get all this sort of stuff out in the open, why should the girl who cheated on her fella (if more then just kissing is a given) and the best friend of that fella, just be allowed to give the bird to the third party as if he was a fool?

Maybe I missed a meeting, but that really doesn't sound like a good thing.

thedrowner

no, i dont think its a good thing, typedef, but i do think it is a problem that can either be overcome (by ignorance, in that the cheat's partner never finds out) or dealt with and over come, , and i think it's strictly their business, and i wouldnt like like to get in the way of that, if i thought the couple could overcome it. if i suspected the cheater was doing this more than once, or having an affair then i'd probably take a more active appraoch.

p

Originally posted by Kell
Ye see, at the end of the day it's none of your business and you must remember this. Your mates ignorance to what his GF gets up to is bliss. He may find out, he may not but it is definitely NOT UP TO YOU to stick your oar in and get invloved.

Yea, becuase if his GF ends up giving him and STD he'll still be blissfull?

People say it's not their business. Well i'd agree with that if you didn't know thw person, but if you're supposed to be a good friend then they need to know. Relationships are based on trust and if one person is sleeping around then that trust is gone.

At the end of the day i'd rather give my friend the decision than making it for him.

- Kevin

thedrowner

Originally posted by p
Originally posted by Kell


At the end of the day i'd rather give my friend the decision than making it for him.

either way youre making the decision for your friend.

you just have to work out whether he wants to hear it or not.

Kell

Originally posted by p
[BPeople say it's not their business. Well i'd agree with that if you didn't know thw person, but if you're supposed to be a good friend then they need to know.
At the end of the day i'd rather give my friend the decision than making it for him.

- Kevin [/B]

Right. Let me restate. There are things which are a persons business and examples of which are:

1) How they treat their fellow man
2) How many times they wipe at a sitting
3) How they get from one end of the month to the other without going broke etc

Things that do not fall into the "personal business" include:

1) How the girl in Spar works the till
2) How many times Bertie got laid last year
3) How your mates love life fares out

It would be a different story altogether if friend said to you "I think that x may have had it off with y. What do you think". Here your friend is electing to make you part of their business by asking for an opinion.

I too do not possess the "Dont give a flying fúck chip" but I really cant see exactly what you would achieve by telling a friend something that they clearly would not want to know. Not only would they not want to know it but you have no idea how they are going to react to it either.

p

I like the way you avoided the STD point Kell.

Is that not an issue either?