Love, distance, comms

LegacyUser

Easier to write in a "my friend" format, sorry - not as painful.

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My friend has a problem. He knows that he loves his gf, but he's not so sure that he is "in love" with her. He's been going out with her over a year, but they don't see a lot of each other cos they live in different countries (about every 3 weeks on average). She has told him that she's in love with him, and he's gutted that he has not reciprocated, but his principles won't let him do it until he is sure.

They recently (last 3-4 months) had a lot of arguments about silly things because the distance was causing a breakdown of communication. They agreed that things could not change unless they were together physically, and in a cruel catch 22 situation, neither of them can move right now, mainly for work reasons. So they broke up, mutally, and at the same time. Ironically they spoke more to each other on that last night when they decided than in the previous 4 months.

Now he knows that she is feeling devastated, and he's not the best himself. He's not sure if they did the right thing in breaking up & really misses her. After all, if they could communicate that well on that one night surely all they need to do it stick to that open honest communication and they should be able to make a go of it.

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What do you guys/girls thing?
Apologies for the 3rd party format, I started writing it that way cos it seemed easier.

(edit to remove a name put there by mistake?)

Beruthiel

I don't see how long distance relationships work

if you feel you have done the wrong thing by breaking up with her, then sit down and see if you are willing to move for her sake - I don't believe for one minute that a job should stand in the way of someone you truly love - if it does - then you have to ask yourself some serious questions.
Think about it, decide and then stick to the decision

LegacyUser

ok, thanks for that Beruthial, I'm thinking along those lines myself.

Next question: is it reason not to go out with somebody just because you're not in love with them? What are the rules in this situation? What if you think you could "fall in love" with them - some people certainly fall in love quicker than others, I think I'm a slow adopter.

LegacyUser

Thanks Gordan, good idea, I couldnt edit after

smiles

You're right not to force yourself to say you love her when you don't.

Just take it easy, talk and see what feels natural, if you really do care for me and think that it's just a matter of time then go for it.

<< Fio >>

Typedef

Now he knows that she is feeling devastated, and he's not the best himself. He's not sure if they did the right thing in breaking up & really misses her.

Then don't be a muppet, go and be with the girl you love, that's what I'd do.

Love is rare, if you feel it for her, don't let anything stand in your way, let alone distance.

When I say 'you' I mean... 'your friend' ... of course.

Kell

Originally posted by Not a 3rd party
She has told him that she's in love with him, and he's gutted that he has not reciprocated, but his principles won't let him do it until he is sure.

We'll if your sure that you are in love with her, are you gutted at the loss of a relationship, as anyone would be, or gutted because you are not sure you did the right thing? Of course you are going to be plagued with "have I done the right thing feeelings" but you have to decide, given the fact that you are not sure if you love her, whether moving to be with her (as some people have suggested) is really the right thing to do.

b3t4

Hey Unregdd,

People only get a few chances in life to be truly happy and if you think you can have this with her then be with her. If that means moving country then that is something that you really need to think about. Ireland won't move while your gone. Its alot to do when you aren't sure but then again when are we ever truly sure about something in life.

Life is too short, don't find yourself regretting your decision. Do what makes you happy.

Best of luck,
A.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Not a 3rd party
Easier to write in a "my friend" format, sorry - not as painful.

--

My friend has a problem. He knows that he loves his gf, but he's not so sure that he is "in love" with her. He's been going out with her over a year, but they don't see a lot of each other cos they live in different countries (about every 3 weeks on average). She has told him that she's in love with him, and he's gutted that he has not reciprocated, but his principles won't let him do it until he is sure.

They recently (last 3-4 months) had a lot of arguments about silly things because the distance was causing a breakdown of communication. They agreed that things could not change unless they were together physically, and in a cruel catch 22 situation, neither of them can move right now, mainly for work reasons. So they broke up, mutally, and at the same time. Ironically they spoke more to each other on that last night when they decided than in the previous 4 months.

Now he knows that she is feeling devastated, and he's not the best himself. He's not sure if they did the right thing in breaking up & really misses her. After all, if they could communicate that well on that one night surely all they need to do it stick to that open honest communication and they should be able to make a go of it.

--

What do you guys/girls thing?
Apologies for the 3rd party format, I started writing it that way cos it seemed easier.

(edit to remove a name put there by mistake?)

been there, done it, and have the tshirt
did the right thing.
you cant be in a meaningful relationship without physical closness. there just isnt any point, and i dont mean sex. i mean just being close. you need to see and hear each other. too many miscommunications and mistaken tones on the phone etc etc.
too much held bac, all that good stuff.
what you are feeling now is the lose of something that you enjoyed, but wasnt nessecarily good for you.
it will pass, it always does.
move onwards and upwards....

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your comments... I'll try answer some of the questions/points you raised:

I'm feeling the loss of the relationship, along with wondering if we did right, both things are hurting.

But one of my big worries is that I'll give in to the loss and fear of being alone and try and get it going with her again when it is not the right thing to do... I don't know if my feelings are caused by this fear or real love, and whether to act on them and try and fix it.

But I already told myself not to be such a pussy about it all - grin and bear it and move on. Maybe this niggling feeling that we may be wrong will go away in time.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan

you cant be in a meaningful relationship without physical closness. there just isnt any point, and i dont mean sex. i mean just being close. you need to see and hear each other. too many miscommunications and mistaken tones on the phone etc etc.
too much held bac, all that good stuff.
what you are feeling now is the lose of something that you enjoyed, but wasnt nessecarily good for you.

Yeah, dead right Eamo, that was a killer, and what damaged the relationship.

Neither of us is going to move in the short to medium term, and I don't think it's enough to try and fix it if we dont have proximity, even with the best communication in the world, we still have all that **** wwm mentioned...

Still unsure, feeling bad, but kinda resolved to letting it go unless my feelings change a lot in the next week or so. It's still been only 4 days.

Unregdd.

DriftingRain

I am not so sure I agree. Love can out weigh all things. You need communication, it is key. If you can have that then you can achieve anyting. Talking out problems is great. Old saying is "distance makes the heart grow fonder". That could be why you are feeling the after effects of breaking up. True love is true love and sometimes you have to scrafice other things to get what you want out of life...(The job) Go for it and be happy. Good Luck;)

thedrowner

my best mate's going out with someone in england. it's a pain in the hole, and a couple of time's she's thought 'what's the point of staying together?' but the real question i think you need to ask yourself is did you actually want to break up with her? does breaking up with her make you happier, more positive, or are you just doing it because you feel there's no point just because it's long distance.

you have to put a lot of work in, but sometimes it can be worth it. in the short term, neither of you should give up the lives you lead now, but you should spend as much time together and work with what you've got then. my best mate spent 7 months flying over to england, to see him (and vice versa) even though she wasn't in love with him at that stage, but she knew if she never put the effort in she wouldn't grow to love him, and now they've been together for 2 & 1/2 years, they see each other for a week maybe once every 1&1/2 months and talk on the phone as much as money allowes (theyre both very broke)

like you said, be careful that you're not getting back with her just so you don't have to be alone, but if it was me, i'd feel that i had to give things a propper go and see where that takes me. if you don't try you'll never know!

Kell

Originally posted by Unregdd
Still unsure, feeling bad, but kinda resolved to letting it go unless my feelings change a lot in the next week or so. It's still been only 4 days.

Four days? I split up with my GF a little over a month ago. I was that unsure as to whether it was the right thing to do I decided "fúck it. Lets give it another go". A month on she's kinda decided that I might have been right a month ago after all and I'm thinking the same way. Do you ever hate being right sometimes?

It's a písser but you'll never know one way or the other.

K-

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by DriftingRain
Old saying is "distance makes the heart grow fonder

actually, its absence makes the heart grow fonder...

Originally posted by DriftingRain
That could be why you are feeling the after effects of breaking up. True love is true love and sometimes you have to scrafice other things to get what you want out of life...(The job) Go for it and be happy. Good Luck;)

if yourtner moves, or lives in another country, and you love them and want to be with them, then be with them.
if you arent willing to move because of work, life etc etc, then i think youre realtionship isnt as strong as you thought.

besides, as the nice unregged person who apparently knows me has said, he is still unsure about it.
if you are unsure, then i think its a pretty good sign that you are unhappy about the decision, but i suspect oyu are still feeling guilty because you think you have to make some huge effort to keeop your relationship alive.
the hardest elsson in the world si to learn when to love someone, and especially when to let someone go, and most of all, to learn when you have to be selfish and give yourself what you really want and need.

with a partner in another country, you miss all the good stuff in a relationship. and you often end up with a lot of the bad. and people get very upset when they think of breaking it of because of the distance etc. in the end, you end up with two miserable people who are miles apart and who see each other once a month. thats no basis for a relationship. id rather break it of and live a far happier and fuller life, than have a realtionship that was making me unhappy.
a lot of people would agree with me, but a lot of people would also find it very hard to make the break because they feel as if they are betraying the person they are dumping. that feeling can cause you to lose years of time, spent in misery, because they just dont understand that sometimes oyu just have to do whats good for you and put someone elses feelings second.
i call it preservation of self, and i lost a year and a half being in another country than my then girlfriend, and when she finally moved over, i relaised she wasnt what i wanted, she wasnt the person who i had been with, we had both changed too much. i didnt love her any more. the feelings i had were more to do with lonliness rather than love. the thought of her would comfort me at night, but it wasnt love, it was the rememberance of being with someone. she was in england with me a week before i dumped her. yep, thats pretty cruel, i hear you all shout, and i guess i should have realised it, but its damn hard to see the wood from the trees sometimes.

i'll make an honest suggestion to you. try an open relationship. if you can understand why i suggest that, then you will understand why nothing will happen if oyu are in love. if something does happen, then you know you are better off starting to live your own life. mind you, this is something i did, before you all think im a big tart

does this have a point? probably not, just realise why you are with someone, or realise why you should be without someone, but dont make decisions based on spur of the moment whims.

TwoShedsJackson

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan

although, now shes in ireland as well, you can hit on her again!

Don't.

OSiriS

Long distance relationships can be a pain, I speak from experience. At the moment I've been seeing (or in this case not seeing) a girl for the last 5 1/2 years. Apart for the 1st year and a half when we were together all the time, we have seen each other on average for a couple of days every 2-3 months, although the last year I'll have seen her twice. College has kept us apart, but what has kept us together is our love and commitment towards each other. Communication has always been the key to maintaining this relationship, which has gotten harder and harder to deal with as time goes by. I honestly think you must really know you care for someone before you get into this situation, because otherwise you are wasting your life on something ultimately unattainable. Thankfully in our case it all comes to an end this summer (being apart that is)

neuro-praxis

I did the long distance thing with my boyfriend for a year, and it was the hardest year of our relationship. But we got through it, and now things are terrific. We've been together four and a half years. We fought more that year - but I've also got a whole cardboard box filled with love letters and poems and little gifts and memorabilia from that time. Use time apart as a chance to have freedom and be independent.

It's possible. You just have to want to put in the effort and be patient.

LegacyUser

so, OP, if you're still about, how'd it work out?

in the same situation myself, almost a year.

it's tough.

po0k

Would a PM not have sufficed?

Beruthiel

paperclip
please don't drag up 2 year old posts