Apologies if this is found to be offensive...

Sir

As i said i dont mean to seem insensitive or anything and i apologise if this hurts anyone. I've been having some very serious personal issues lately with regards to college, home and friend/relationships in general.

Things came to a head on one of these levels tonight and I really feel that now i have hit rock bottom. Despite my thinking that 2 or 3 months ago i was quite obviously mistaken.

I really feel that the only way out for me now is suicide. Most of you probably think im looking for attention or trying to be insensitive but i honestly am not. I have contemplated it before but have never been able to do anything about it. The closest ive come is smoking...

The only person i could talk to about it is now the main reason as to why im feeling like this...

I'm going to counselling but thats not helping. I was supposed to go to an AWARE meeting also but dont want to go on my own.

I'm so lonely, have no one i trust or can confide in any more. (this hasnt been sparked by the fact that today is valentines either)

I've been abandoned by all of my "friends" none of them come near me or ring or text or email and i dont understand why. Ive become so despondant and i really cant see any way out.

I need help but ive tried every angle available to me.

The main thing stopping me from taking my life is the fact that i love my parents and brothers too much to do it. I've spoken to my parents but really all im doing is causing them undue anxiety when its really something i feel i should deal with myself.

Sorry for being such a moan...
But boards has helped me in other areas i dunno why i thought that this would help...

Thanks for your time
Sorry again
A.M

Mutz

Originally posted by Sir
.....

The main thing stopping me from taking my life is the fact that i love my parents and brothers too much to do it. I've spoken to my parents but really all im doing is causing them undue anxiety when its really something i feel i should deal with myself.....

Can you tell us your age m8?

Well I for one think talking to your parents would be the first step. If you love them, I'm guessing you can trust them. Tell them what you are feeling and I can garauntee you, you will feel a whole lot better.

By taking your life, you will hurt everyone who cares about, and in effect probably ruin their lives. Suicide is not an Option.

I'd suggest you maybe go on holiday for a few months and work... e.g. The U.S, and see how you get on while meeting new people in new surroundings.

I Think you need to meet new people because you just feel betrayed by your friends, but hey, in all reallity friends come and go.

Also, write down more of your thoughts here, Its always good to get your thoughts straight...

Sir

I'm 19
I'm also female the name im sure makes people think otherwise

Sir

Also as regards ruining their lives...
I feel at the moment that, that is exactly what i am doing to be honest

Turner

Why are you so depressed ?

College/friends is no reason to even contemplate suicide. You are going through a rough patch obviously at the moment. College (if you mean by exams) you can also do again, and friends ( you can always make new ones) come and go.

I think you need to find somebody you really trust, sit them down and tell them everything you are going through. Things always look different when somebody else gives their opinion on it.

all the best and stick in there

Chief.

Doodee

The main thing stopping me from taking my life is the fact that i love my parents and brothers too much to do it. I've spoken to my parents but really all im doing is causing them undue anxiety when its really something i feel i should deal with myself.

seriously mate, i know how u feel, i felt the same way, i felt so bad it lead to an eating disorder, which im onmly after coming out off, and sorry if i come across funny, but i've just been on teh raz, just cause it valentines isnt the reason to go do something like that, I know plenty off ppl who have dont it, and in all honesty, if they only held on, they would have know what a wonder life is, its really not an option, as is said, every cloud has a silver linening, i mean, my eating disorder has cause me to loose about 3 stone in weight, and its actually sorta a god send, im actually being noticed, tonight especially, I've gotten with a chick who i never dreamt piossible, and theres another right beside me here in the netcafe, who although, i dont have the stones to ask out, i believe that she would say yes, just hang on,its all u have to do, ur omly 19, and if u think about it, u have atleast 50yrs ahead ogf u, think about it, seatlling down with a chick, with kids, and a dog, and a house, its worth living for. suicide is never an option, its an easy way out, that is always the wrong way out!

believe me, I've lost enough mates to know!

LegacyUser

I've been feeling like that for most of the last 4/5 months. No friends, no life, no point, worthless piece of **** etc. etc. I just feel like I've never done anything, I'm not good at anything and there's just nothing good about me.

Though I'm not actually suicidal (I think) it is a thought that's constantly on my mind. And if it ever does come down to it then my last line of defence, like you, will be the fact that it would be a horrible thing to do to my parents.

I hope that what some other people have said will help you in some way but to me it just seems far too simplified. I won't say why exactly 'cos I don't want to go pointing out flaws in something that probably is good advice. I just can't see it that way 'cos everything just seems impossible.

I certainly don't have anything to say that would make you feel good, just to let you know that you're not alone.

Tazz T

Sometimes when you hit rock bottom, suicide might sound like the only solution, but just think of all the good things you'll miss.

Perhaps a holiday in Greece when you're 21, a fantastic romance with a boy called Mark you met when you were 25, a great party you went to when you were 27, the day you got promoted into your dream job when you were 29.

Who knows, you could meet the love of your life tomorrow and live happily ever after, but if you're not here you won't. Life can be hard, but when it's like that, that's when we should try to realise that it's anything you want it to be.

Sorry to sound like your mum, but you're 19 and there's a whole amazing life in front of you - if I was you I'd start living it. Try sitting down and writing down what you want to achieve, how you can achieve it, and start going about it.

Life can be brilliant. Try it.

b3t4

Sir and Yoke,

I have felt as ye do in the past. I still have my very bad days. Some days the only thing I find myself thinking about is how to end it all and which way I would do it. But then I have days when things are good even great.

I have attempted suicide on a few occassions and I can tell you that its the most horrible experience. I was once brought to a hospital. I got to see first hand what an effect my actions could of had on my family and friends. To see the tears and fear in their eyes is heartbreaking.

Suicide isnt the answer, eventhough it may seem like the only way that you can cope with things happening in your life. It doesnt end things in the best way possible. I think about all the good things that have happened in my life since, which I wouldnt have experienced or known if i had been succesful in my attempts.

There is so much in life. Good things and bad things. It may feel hopeless and I know how that feels but keep trying. Some day, and Im not saying today or tomorrow it will get better.

Talk to your doctor, Talk here, Talk.

And if you cant talk to people then write stuff down. Write anything down, how you feel, how your day was, what pissed you off, write down every feeling you have. Nobody has to read it. Burn it afterwards if you want to and are scared that other people may find it.

I hope what I have said will help,
Pm me is you want,
Take care
A

LegacyUser

As someone who actually attempted it in the past and survived, I'd strongly advise against it.

You don't know the future, you don't know that this is just a very long phase you're going through.

My life was terrible, I felt I had no friends, my confidence was at an all time low. And I tried to kill myself by drinking a poison. I drank it back said my prayers and thankfully threw it all up.

But I got through it. And while my life these days isn't perfect I've had a good deal of fun since that day. My life has changed. It can for you if you want it enough.

Beruthiel

I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I probably have a little inkling – nobodys life is perfect, I’ve had some real lows too, but I am also old enough to know that things change on a regular basis and it never lasts. You are very young yet, give yourself a chance, in a few years your life will have changed to such an extent that when you look back, you won’t even recognise the person you are now.
Don’t do anything you will regret, life is a beautiful gift and if you can just hang in when the bad times hit the good times are just sooo much better because you will be able to recognise them as such and so will appreciate them so much more because of this hard time.
Please believe me for this, it’s true for everybody

Jak

I've known three people who committed suicide, granted only 2 of them quite well. However I have heard of far more cases through school and relatives friends and so on.

In the case of the two I knew well they were extremely different cases. One was as popular as could be and took his life in a bizarre premeditated fashion, whereas the other was somewhat isolated and quiet and less people were shocked by it.

The point is, the most unlikely candidates can get worn down and want to end their lives, but in every case bar none, you can't help but think if they had just held on and either talked it out or just kept living until things changed - that the thoughts of suicide would have been washed away.

I always liked that quote by Dostoevsky

"Where is it I've read that someone condemned to death says or think, an hour before his death, that if he had to live on some high rock, on such a narrow ledge that he'd only room to stand, and the ocean, everlasting darkness, everlasting solitude, everlasting tempest around him, if he had to remain standing on a square yard of space all his life, a thousand years, eternity, it were better to live so than to die at once! Only to live, to live and live! Life, whatever it may be!...How true it is!

Really there is no alternative to life worth thinking about, you don't get to come back and visit.

Gluck,

JAK.

thedrowner

i agree with everyone else. i know a person who once tried to kill himself, and he failed and he also saw the pain of what it did to those who cared about him. he also admitted how glad he was that he didnt succeed, even though he was going through a really crappy time because of how good life turned out to be a few years later, it was worth all the bad stuff. and of course, like all of us, he's still gonna have bad days when everything is hopeless but try to cling on to the fact that persevering though it is worth it-you'll never find that out if you at least dont give it a try.

you know you at least have your family who care about you. some people don't even have that and they get by. i'd agree that maybe a change for a while, going to another country and working might be a good thing. but talk about it too, with your family, or keep posting here, or with your counsellor if its helping, i hope this has made you feel better.

Wolf

Always, remember that you have control over your life. I f you are unhappy then change it. Leave maybe go off to America, Belfast london or some where in Europe.

Things change. Life has highs and lows some of the highs are fleeting and some of the lows can last a long time, but, in time happyness as well as sadness always passes.

What im trying to say is iv been pretty low and believe me iv been REALY low, but, dont give in fight make things better for youeslef and if you keep trying eventually things get better, then they get worse then they get better again, etc. You have to keep trying.

One last thing, life is a gift and no one not even yourself has the right to take it, so if you feel there realy is no point in goingon, sign up to be a missionary or something at least that way you can do something with a point rather than wasting your life.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Icehouse

Sir,

Depression can sometimes be due to a chemical imbalance in your system as much as related to what's going on in your life. the fact that people are replying to you on here should give you enoughconfidence to know that people who care are out there and that can be in your daily life too, it may just take some time. Consult a psychologist or a considerate doctor for the depression, maybe take up a hobby that will help you to meet people (meet and train running groups are a wonderful way to meet good friends and get fit at the same time, as is tennis, swimming etc...) Or as someone suggested above, after having had counselling/medical help, think about a working hoiliday. Go to somewhere like California for example, stay in hostels (Banana Bungalow in LA, I love u!) and get a little bar or restaurant job - you'll get over the depression easier, the sun helps a lot, see new things and meet new people, some of whom are bouind toi become close friends.

And in America, they call everyone 'Sir' !!! ;o)

Tusky

i cant put myself in your shoes and i understand it must be terrible but from my experience with other people it WILL pass....and suicide is never the only option and rarely the right one...

take the advice givene by people here - im sure you will think back to this day in the future and thank the gods you fought on...

-Tusky

Gordon

Please contact the Samaritans, Sir.

"The Samaritans are a well trained group of volunteers available to talk to youabout any problems or life grievances you wish to talk about. www.samaritans.org or email jo@samaritans.org to get trained samaritan help via email. Alternatively dial 1850-609090 to speak in privacy and confidentiality"

I have emailed jo@samaritans.org myself and been brought to a very kind and helpful team. If you dial 1850609090 it will charge as a local call (as far as I know). Please seek advice from a trained councellor, your life (no matter how shit you may think it is now), is too precious to be thinking about throwing it away.

Sir

I just feel selfish and stupid
have no confidence in myself
i put myself down all the time because i feel i might as well get the punch in before somone else does... I mean why not make little of what i am or what im doing before someone else realises how sh!te i am...

I've been to the counsllor in college and he was helpful

The only person i could ever really talk to doesnt want to talk to me any more but having spoken to the counsellor about recent situations ive realised that im better off without this person even though it upsets me to do so...

He made me promise not to do anything... so i agreed...

I feel really ****e at the moment i apologise....

Mutz

I feel really ****e at the moment i apologise...

What for? You haven't done anything wrong SMILE!

Sir

I just feel nothing is ging right for me at the moment everything i start i put myself down for because i said i dont want someone else to get the criticism in before me. Then when i am doing something and im contented with how its going thats when it all falls to sh!te and that seems to happen in every aspect of my life. Everything i touch seems to fall apart...

ykt0di9url7bc3

I just feel nothing is ging right for me at the moment everything i start i put myself down for because i said i dont want someone else to get the criticism in before me. Then when i am doing something and im contented with how its going thats when it all falls to sh!te and that seems to happen in every aspect of my life. Everything i touch seems to fall apart...

First of all, yeah life can get like that sometimes and it can stay like that for many years...you are coming to the stage where there is a lacking of hope or a loacking of goals and objectives to the future or where things are so dire now that they completely over shadow your future....

...its time for change, you cannot keep on the way you are going, self critisim and all although it can be helpful its time to be selfish...

firstly, do you play games?....you've got a computer?...RPGs, and stratagy games in paticular were very benifical to take my mind off things...not escapism but self help...

...i happened across a book called the "art of war"..simple book explaining traits of human tactics in battle/war it improved my skillz in CandC considerably but the books help was not limited to the battlefield but to human behaivour in general, it gave me renewed strength and clarity

...another thing that helped me was meditiation...for sole purpose of contolling my emotions, a year of meditation practicing gave me such controll of my emotions and with the expierences gone by gave me the strenght to take anything life threw at me over the last 6 years...considering its a great form of self help it boosts self confidence aswell...

...once you have controlled your emotions you will be able to look around you with more objectiveness and confidence...

Everything i touch seems to fall apart...

I havent/never beaten that fealing yet...sorry

Sir

I dunno ive just lost all faith in myself and other people

Some days i feel like ah yeah things arent too bad but then something will happen to put me back in my box.

I used to play on loadsa sports teams but was always kiinda left on my own duriing those times the other players kinda ignored me a bit so i gave them up and took up running but i gave that up too coz of injury.

Like i said just as i seem to be getting something done something happens to put me in my place again...

People are telling me that im young and have my whole life ahead of me etc but i really dont see how i can look forward to another 40 - 50 years of life if my first 19 have been the way they are

DeVore

Sir,

I have felt exactly the way you do at times in my life. I sometimes dont want to try because I dont want to fail again. Its funny because people say "oh you've achieved so much" but it just all looks so small in comparision to the "failures".

You are 19, you havent even gotten to begin the fun bits of life. Honestly! I know it sucks to be told that when you are 19 but the next 20 years are great. Just go with it.

Noone succeeds all the time or even half the time. It sounds like you are depressed because suddenly theres no clear way forward for you... you're either finished or finishing the leaving cert and the big scary world is opening up to you and you arent sure you can manage it.

You can. Give it the middle finger and do whatever you are good at and makes you happy so long as you dont hurt others.

DeV.

Gordon

Hang on, is this all about a guy? It's really not worth it - trust me - I'm a guy*

*heh, kinda silly statement really

Durden

Few pieces of advice, taken from my life and my friends.
1. Stop saying sorry.
2. Stop saying sorry.
3. Remember that your only 19, thats 19 out of up to about 130 years (oldest person in history), which is 14.61etc% so you have lived a tiny part of your potential life
4. Unlike the song says, suicide is NOT painless, and the changes it brings are bad. This is always, unless you get into situations where it might be euthenasia (sp?).
5. Stop saying sorry. (yes, this is that important. Your saying sorry for using this forum for what its meant for. Why?)

And if all else fails, go make yourself responsible for someone elses life.

SOL

What do you do in college?

Sir

I'm doing a BSc. In sports science and health

lordsippa

Ok... Durden's hit the nail on the head. Stop saying sorry. It really helps.

I go through horrible periods of depression and the one thing that's helped me get through them is stopping feeling so guilty for them. It's not your fault, you've gotta come to terms with it and somehow live around it.

Personally, it's gotten to the stage for me that I only feel guilty for not feeling guilty for my depressions now. Which is slightly more tolerable cause at least now I can stop and look at it and just realise how silly it is.

You can get through this shít... And just remember that every good moment makes up for every bad moment and then some! Life is life. It's not always pretty or fun, but when it is...

Finally: Smile. It releases endorphines.

<also, just wondering but you're not doing any heavy drugs?>

Sir

Nah i dont do any kind of drugs...

lordsippa

Ah. Good. I was just wondering cause if it had been the case would've answered everything.

Anyway, rather than offer more advice just wanna wish you luck cheering up.

Sir

thanks i guess

imp

Hello Sir,

Firstly I'd like to reinforce Durden and Lordsippa's comments: there's nothing for you to be sorry about. At all.

Now, I've gone through many of the things you mentioned, so I'm going to try to give you the best advice I have on a few of your points, so here goes...

Originally posted by Sir
I really feel that the only way out for me now is suicide. Most of you probably think im looking for attention or trying to be insensitive but i honestly am not. I have contemplated it before but have never been able to do anything about it. The closest ive come is smoking...

Contemplating suicide is rarely someone looking for attention or trying to be insensitive, imho. I see the fact that you are willing to talk about it as being a sign that you don't want to go through with it, but instead feel a need to justify your life. And to me, your family doesn't have to be the only justification. Because aswell as living life for them or anyone else for that matter, you have to live life for yourself. I know things may seem bad right now, but I personally think that even the possibilities that the future presents are worth living for. Just think about all the great things that you are capable of doing, and about all the great things that could happen to you. Sure, the road may be rough at times along the way, but you will get there, and you'll be even stronger for it. Your life is a very precious thing, so please don't even consider throwing it away. You have a lot to offer this world, and the world can offer you a lot too.

You say that you feel abandoned by your friends. Try to talk to some of them about it. I know its difficult but sometimes friends don't realise how they are making someone else who they actually care dearly about feel. A few people have said here that "friends come and go" and to an extent I believe that that is true, but I also believe that you can meet friends who you'll cherish for the rest of your life, and vice versa. If the friends you know now don't seem to be working out for you, then perhaps you should try to make some new friends aswell. I know this can be difficult, particularly if you are shy and even somewhat anti-social like I am, but its important that you try. Try getting a part-time job and make a friend or two there, or join one or two new student societies at college to meet similar people, you could even try making friends with some folks here on boards! Just remember that if your current friendships aren't what you want them to be, its not necessarily your fault, or even your friends', you may just have imcompatible feelings on what a close friendship should be. Nevertheless, you can find someone who you will be able to trust with almost anything, and will be willing to help you whenever he/she can, and all you will have to do is offer him/her the same in return.

Originally posted by Sir
I'm going to counselling but thats not helping. I was supposed to go to an AWARE meeting also but dont want to go on my own.

I can understand not wanting to go to an AWARE meeting on your own. Even though AWARE are a fantastic organisation, and were set-up to deal with these kind of issues, the whole prospect of going there alone and making yourself vulnerable in a way must be extremely daunting. I think you should listen to Gordon's advice to contact the Samaritans, the one-on-one format they offer will probably be a lot more comfortable for you than the AWARE meeting, and the counselling which I'd say can probably feel like you are having more of a professional relationship with the counsellor, rather than a personal one, which I think is quite important. Hopefully you'll eventually feel like you can go to the AWARE meetings. It will probably help you to meet people who have gone through or are going through similar problems, but you need to be entirely comfortable and relaxed before you do it.

Originally posted by Sir
The only person i could talk to about it is now the main reason as to why im feeling like this... ...I'm so lonely, have no one i trust or can confide in any more.

This is what caused me to peak in my own depression. The feeling that someone I had placed immense trust and faith in had in a sense betrayed me was almost too much for me. Its a truly horrible feeling. You say that you realise you are now better off without this person, which is a good start. It will be hard to get over, and it will be hard to find someone who you can put that amount of trust in again, but please believe me when I tell you, you can do it. You will find someone who is deserving of your trust, if you just keep trying, but its important to just try and let go of this person who has let you down, if you still feel that is the right thing to do, and move on.

Originally posted by Sir
I just feel selfish and stupid
have no confidence in myself
i put myself down all the time because i feel i might as well get the punch in before somone else does... I mean why not make little of what i am or what im doing before someone else realises how sh!te i am...

Really, you're not as sh!te as you think you are. You are unique and as such you have your own unique talents. It can take time to find them and for some people it can take time to bring yourself to allow yourself to recognise and admit to having them, but they are there. There is no point in putting yourself down for the sake of it. Sure, recognise your faults but like I said recognise your strengths too. They're the ones you should be concentrating on. If other people insult you you can do one of three things: shrug it off; consider the insult and work on rectifying it if you can; or allow it to bring you down. I personally try to use a combination of the first two. You can use people's criticisms constructively to improve yourself and what you are doing rather than letting it make you feel bad. You're better off without friends who criticise and insult you just to make you feel bad about yourself. As for the low self-confidence this is another of the things I go through a lot myself, and its stems from my refusal sometimes to acknowledge my talents. It'll take time to get over this too. I think the best way to do it is to try to speak up a little more often, participate a little more pro-actively and listen to people's compliments. For the first two, it'll take a concerted effort if you are very shy like myself, but people will appreciate your participation, and they'll miss it when it is not there. Some people have trouble accepting and believing a compliment because they are too negative about themself, but most of the time compliments really are genuine, once you realise that you'll realise that most if not all compliments you'll receive are also genuine. These three things will, I believe, improve your self-esteem.

Originally posted by Sir
Everything I touch seems to fall apart...

I think we all get this feeling at some stage in our lives. But its usually another case of people focusing on the bad things instead of the good, the failures instead of the successes. So do try to focus more on your successes, and give yourself credit for them. Like I said above, you do have strengths and successes too. When things do go wrong, just try and take a step back and ask yourself "Why did that happen?" instead of "Why do things like this always happen to me?" which seems to be the question you are asking, and you will learn a lot more.

I really hope that you'll find what I've written to be helpful, Sir. I apologise if I've written anything that seems offensive, presumptuous or patronising in any way.

I know you can pull through this and I sincerely hope that you do. If you feel the need to talk then feel free to PM me.

Regards,

iMP }:>

<edit - fixed quotes>

Sir

Thanks Imp,
i don't really know how i feel about talking to my "friends" about it I dont trust any of them because they let me down badly in the past and they talk/gossip too much and i cant stand that. There's no such thing as a private conversation where any of them are concerned and i learned that the hard way.

I say im probably better off without the person i mentioned but thats probably just trying to reassure myself or make myself feel better about ending our friendship. He just changed too much towards me and i couldnt understand it and it hurt because i thought he was very different.

I feeling very low at this miinute and it's hard for me to think positive about anything really. I suppose in one sense i'll have loads of time to study now that ive no one to hang out with or talk on the phone to etc so that could be one way of taking some good out of the situation.

I'm in loads of clubs and societies in college but i never really got involved because i was quite ill etc during semster one (i developed an eating disorder which left me very weak and lethargic, so i couldnt really get stuck in as much as id planned)

i dunno im not making much sense sorry

no one in my class in college seems to have the same tastes as me so i kinda find it hard to talk to them about my interests and stuff so i just sorta sit there and listen. I've met several people from boards already (i post on phantom message board regularly as Amz) the afformentioned person who i feel most abandoned by lately i met from there (funny huh?)

Sorry for being boring im not able to articulate this properly whih is so frustrating for me.

Caesar_Bojangle

Sir, sorry if i appear ignorant but i couldnt be arsed to read all of the above posts.

I say im probably better off without the person i mentioned but thats probably just trying to reassure myself or make myself feel better about ending our friendship. He just changed too much towards me and i couldnt understand it and it hurt because i thought he was very different.

Maybe your friends are reacting differently/avoiding you because you have changed over the past few months, and when they offered an ear you turned them away?

Depression is rampant in irish society today, i know of at least four relatively close friends/acquaintances who have gone through it or are, for stupid mundane reasons which tbh are not worth fretting about like college, leaving cert or some other trivial issue

Sir

To be honest the only thing i ever needed or wanted from them was for them to listen to me when i had a problem and they couldnt even do that so i got a bit disilusioned with them

Evil Phil

Talk to your family. Seriously, they're your family. Don't worry about causing them worry and stress, you won't. Believe me they know something is wrong and want to talk to you about it. Its the best way to go.

They're your family and they love you.

Sir

i have told them but i feel that im just being selfish and stuff as ive said.

sunbeam

Sir, your posts remind me very much of the situation I was in myself about 10 years ago. You say you saw the college counsellor and found him helpful. Are you seeing him on a regular basis? In my case doing so was the only thing that got me through a very, very rough patch.

Sir

I only started going to be honest
im due to go see him again next friday

He made me promise i wouldnt do anything over the week so hence my presence.... i dunno any more things have gotten worse since my original post on thursday so yeah its tough hehehe!

Sorry...

thedrowner

sir! honey!
i didnt realise it was you. sorry if you were trying to kind of keep a cover...or something.

look....you are a deadly person. i know this for a fact. you have apsolutely nothing to be apologetic for. you are not being selfish by demanding some basic human 'friendship' rights. if people are walking all over you, and yet you still feel selfish, and feel that you are in the wrong-then the councillor is a good thing. if you ever wanna talk, pm me or text me or something.

Sir

Hey Drowner,
I started off thinking i should keep a cover but it kinda slipped half way through there hehe (cant do anything right) Emm.. I dunno any more...

imp

Originally posted by Sir
I say im probably better off without the person i mentioned but thats probably just trying to reassure myself or make myself feel better about ending our friendship. He just changed too much towards me and i couldnt understand it and it hurt because i thought he was very different.

If you thought this guy was very different to how he has actually turned out to be, then I'd guess that this is what you liked about him. Now that you know he's different then maybe you are better off without him, harsh as it might seem. I only say this because he obviously is not the same person you thought you liked.

Originally posted by Sir
I'm in loads of clubs and societies in college but i never really got involved because i was quite ill etc during semster one (i developed an eating disorder which left me very weak and lethargic, so i couldnt really get stuck in as much as id planned)

I'm sorry to hear about your illness, but if you're over it now or even recovering I think that you still have time to get involved in the clubs and societies you've joined. I also think you should go relatively easy on the studies, as overworking yourself could just add to the stress.

Originally posted by Sir
no one in my class in college seems to have the same tastes as me so i kinda find it hard to talk to them about my interests and stuff so i just sorta sit there and listen. I've met several people from boards already (i post on phantom message board regularly as Amz) the afformentioned person who i feel most abandoned by lately i met from there (funny huh?)

With the tastes thing I can understand where you're coming from. It can be hard to find people with the same tastes as you. So maybe you should try and meet some people outside of your class, I'd say Arts students in particular probably have an extremely broad range of interests. Aswell as this you could always try finding out more about your classmates' interests, and talking about them: many people will show an interest in you if you show an interest in them.

Originally posted by Sir
To be honest the only thing i ever needed or wanted from them was for them to listen to me when i had a problem and they couldnt even do that so i got a bit disilusioned with them

Your reaction is understandable. I think most people will agree that one of the most important qualities in a friend is the ability to listen. Unfortunately some people just don't realise it, but you still do have the opportunity to make some true friends who will always be prepared to listen to you and to help you however they can. Please continue trying to find even one person like this to befriend. If you hang in there, you will find them.

I don't think you're selfish by talking about these issues to your family or to us here (not in any negative sense of the word "selfish" anyway). Its really important that you discuss this as its probably the best way to start a recovery.

Again, hopefully this post's helped, and I'm sorry if I've said anything that's deconstructive.

iMP }:>

thedrowner

i cant believe i had no idea
i presume mr x is a certain....muppet....
yeah well
we cant all be right and you be wrong! you're *wayyyyyyy* better than him. (****e....im so gonna get caught out here.... trying not to cause any arguments cause im so *middle of the road* a/c to him). like i said before. i am here if you need a friend. im actually going a gig this week if youd like to come along and show youre support. i need anti-hecklers present to couter-act the hecklers.
getting back to serious stuff keep going with the councillor. you met my ex and he was kind of in the same situaiton youre in now (only mutliply it by about 1,000,000). hes a great guy but he just couldn't see it. but i know councilling benefitted him, and it's also benefitted myself too-even though it feels really weird going to one coz you feel like there must be something wrong with you if you do because no one really talks about it. talking also helps. can i just say that there are far more people who care about you than you seem to think there are!

Sir

Mr X? hehe that was my fault what happened there...

I guess as regards people who care about me i find that almost everytime i start to trust a person and feel that yeah this is great ive finally got a real friend here or someone i can rely on who wont just dump me at the first sign of trouble.... i always get caught out (you'd think id have learned something at this stage)

I find it hard to trust people and when i do i kinda feel refreshed but always im thinking when's it gonna happen... what will i do this time to F*ck this up nicely and inevitably it always comes. it's not that im sabotaging the things or anything (it may seem that way but i dont do it intentionally at least)

I tend to prioritise other people above the important things like my family and my school work or whatever. I give them all my time and energy and neglect other things so when i do finally F*ck things up ive nothing to fall back on.

Hehe nothing's ever simple with me...

thedrowner

well you need to get the right balance between your friends, work and family. i dont *know* if i'm right in saying this but if you spend all your times with friends (and neglect the others) maybe the amount of time you spend together is what's driving you apart. you might find you all appreciate the time better if you don't live in each other's pockets. i can get a bit ratty/weird with people if i spend way too much time with them and give off the wrong vibes. if they're not confident about how secure the friendship is, i guess that would rattle them.

it's not your fault if you're feeling so unconfident, but (speaking from experience) it can sometimes be really hard having to constantly reassure someone,and it can take it's toll on a person after a while. I never experienced that with you though-but i'm just wondering (i doubt it ) could that be what is happening with other, closer people to you?

Sir

Well in the past i figured that no one wanted to hear about my stupid problems so i was always the one who listened and tried to help them out. When i did go to these people for help which was quite rare but always because i genuinely needed help they weren't available and so i just had to accept that i suppose. I eventually began bottling everything up. Untill recently when i Mr X actually seemed genuine enough to talk to. I started to find it easier to open up to people but some people resented that and couldnt take the fact that i wasnt as i dunno what the word is im looking for maybe "stable!as they thought, but thats not really right. I then began to feel guilty for showing that i was vulnerable because it wasnt workiing for me either but by now its all just gotten so much that i cant supress it any more....

Sorry for moaning so much

I feel stupid for talking to people about this because it is stupid

sunbeam

Sir, for a long time I was always the 'listener' and 'helper' too. I found it really hurtful and hard to take when many of my friends seemed incapable of doing the same for me. In hindsight, yes, some of them weren't really my friends, but some were/are and still simply couldn't handle the fact that I had certain problems. Unfortunately, this can be case with a lot of people, especially younger people who are still trying to come to terms with the trials of entering adulthood themselves..

A low point for me came when my best friend stopped talking to me for a year because she found it too hard to deal with me and what was going on with my life at the time. Yes, I felt really betrayed, but ten years later we are still best friends. She has been wonderfully supportive in many ways but we still don't talk about the problems I had. They are simply some things she is uncomfortable with and doesn't know how to handle, and I've accepted that.

I don't mean to generalise this to your experiences, I'm just relating my own. All I can suggest is that it is often easier and more helpful to talk about things to somebody who isn't directly 'involved' even in terms of simply being your friend-like your college counsellor for instance. Congrats for actually making the brave choice to go and see him BTW-I got to the door and literally ran from my first appointment! (though I eventually got the nerve up to go back the next week)

There is no need to apologise

S.

Sir

I found it very difficult to make the appointment even coz i couldnt talk to anyone about it. i dunno i felt with the counsellor all i was doing was talkiing and i kinda felt i was confusing myself. I think im really boring normally so when im talking about my worries or whatever i feel im about a million times more boring! I felt bad for takiing up his time to be honest....

Which is why im going back on friday....

sunbeam

Don't feel bad-it's his job to listen! You'd be surprised how many students (and even college staff!) visit college counsellors. If you've been bottling things up a lot it make take quite a bit of 'talking things out' before they start to make sense. You could always try writing anything important you want to discuss down beforehand, if you think it might help. There is nothing you can say that he won't have heard before.

Sir

Well at the moment im feelin like its coz i stopped bottling things up and keeping things to myself that all this sh!te started to affect me so bloody much

(i realise im becomming tedious sorry)