please rate my play

Bounty Hunter

I went through a spell a few months back where i just kept writing- this is the start of a play i wrote and i was wondering if it's worth me bothering to finish.
it's only about 5pages of big text and is simplelanguage so should not take too long to read.
the working title was : A night at the Murphy's

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(the curtain opens revealing the scene a living room set in the centre of the set sits a middle aged man Tom Murphy)
Wife’s voice: He’s on his way
(He rises to his feet and brushes himself down)
Tom: He’s on his way <he turns and looks directly at the audience> who’s he? My daughters new man that’s who
(His wife walks on from the right past tom and stops to pick up some washing)
Lisa Murphy (wife): she asked if he could come for dinner yesterday remember
(then leaves via the left of the stage)
Tom: Asked <laughs>
(A young woman walks on from the left and walks up to tom)
Sarah (daughter): Dad Joe’s coming over for dinner tomorrow okay (She then turns to leave the set)
Tom: Wait a second who’s Joe
Sarah: (Chirpy) My Boyfriend (then she leaves the way she entered the set)
Tom: Yeah that’s pretty much what it was like (Again talking to the audience) Did you know about her having a boyfriend dear (Speaking to Lisa who had just re-entered the set with a washing basket in her arms)
Lisa: No love I’m shocked I thought 19-year-old girls hated Men
Tom: Me too ,this one really snuck up on us didn’t it dear
(Lisa raises her eyes up to heaven and tuts)
Lisa: ohh god
(Then she proceeds to fold the last item in the basket and leaves the scene shaking her head)
Tom: Now I felt for my daughters sake that I had better make a good impression on this fellow so I asked her what he was like, you know so that I would know how to act around him
(Sarah re-enters the set from the left stage)
Sarah: What’s he like?
Tom: Yeah what’s he into what type of person is he
Sarah: He’s a Black Englishman studying Philosophy at Trinity<Pause> and he’s gorgeous (then she leaves the set the way she came in)
Tom: So you heard what she said a black English philosophy student really I don’t think we have a whole lot in common, well all except that last bit at least he’s one of us beautiful people (He says this while slowly stroking his own face)
[Ding-Dong]
(Sarah comes running onto the stage)
Sarah: He’s here He’s here mom
Lisa: Yes Dear
Sarah: How do I look?
[Ding-Dong]
Lisa: You look fine, now open the door before he leaves
(She brushes back her hair and opens the door)[As the door swings open revealing Joe to the audience the sound of thunder can be heard]
Joe: Hello Sarah <He leans forward and gives Sarah a kiss on the lips>
(The stage lights dim and a spotlight lights up on Tom)
Tom: {Sings} Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away,now it seems as though he’s here to stay o yesterday came suddenly, why she had to go for him, she wouldn’t say now I long for yesterday-a-a-a-a.
(The lights return and everybody is staring impatiently at Tom Joe has his hand outreached and seems to be waiting for it to be shook)
Sarah: Dad
Tom: sorry hi welcome to Ireland
(Lisa walks around behind and past him and hits him in the back of the head as she passes)
Lisa: Why don’t you take a seat <gestures towards the couch>
Joe: Actually Mr. Murphy I’ve lived here for the past 3years but I’m sure you knew that
Tom: Sure Well obviously, you do look like a dub just like me infact (Sarah and Lisa both s****** at that remark)
Lisa: Can I take your coat joseph
Joe: Its just Joe and thanks
Tom: (pointing at Sarah) you told me it was Joseph you two don’t have any more secrets do you? She’s not pregnant is she (Joking) ha
Joe: Actually (Pause) there is something we’ve been meaning to tell you
Tom: ooh Jesus she’s not is she I was only joking I mean please just
Joe: Don’t worry Mr Murphy its not that it’s just that well (The stage lights dim and a spotlight appears on Joe and Sarah who is holding him around the waist)
Sarah: go on just tell them
Joe: But how can I, they only just met me and you only told them about me yesterday, How are they supposed to accept that we’ve been engaged a month
Sarah: Alright how about you win em over this evening and then propose to me infront of them, they need not know its not the first time we’ve done that
Joe: Alright ill give it a try, for you (Gives Sarah a kiss on the cheek as the lights begin to return)
Joe: Wait a second (Lights stay partially dimmed) What will I tell your father he’s waiting to hear one of our secrets
Sarah: (Laughs to herself) Tell him you support Aston Villa
(Lights return fully)
Tom: A villa man eh, I almost wish she were pregnant (To at the audience)
Sarah: (Whispers) He Supports Birmingham
Tom: Sure I suppose nobody’s perfect
Lisa: Tom will you come here for a second (Calling from the kitchen she has just moved into)
Tom: Won’t be a moment(to Joe) have to tend to the auld ball and chain as they say (laughs to himself then heads to the kitchen)
Sarah: Don’t worry this is going fine they will love you
Joe: I hope you are right (lights dim on the living room and light up in the kitchen part of the set)
Tom: What is it darling were keeping our guest waiting
Lisa: Will you promise me something?
Tom: Anything
Lisa: Try not to embarrass Sarah tonight
Tom: You don’t seriously think I could be embarrassing do you (to this Lisa’s only reply was a look that very clearly said of course you could are you blind?)
Tom: But I’m the cool hip dad into all the best music the Almand brothers band, Bread and Dickie Rock I couldn’t be embarrassing that’s just sheer madness
Lisa: Just try and make the Man like you pay him compliments whatever it would mean a lot to Sarah
(Now the lights dim in the kitchen and return in the living room)
Joe: So what should I talk to him about
Sarah: Well he loves to think of himself as a great Rugby player and if get in trouble mention beer.
(Tom walks in from the kitchen)
Tom: Have to say that’s a lovely suit you have there Italian is it? (Tom turns to the kitchen and gives a thumbs up)
Joe: Oh no but thank you it used to be my fathers
Tom: A man of style like myself I like it
Joe: I would say he would like you too, Sarah tells me you were quite the rugby player (Sarah laughs in the background)
Tom: Star-Player of the Ballycarrig sharks why do you play
Joe: I used to play for Leicester before I moved over here, are Ballycarrig very big
Tom: A well they wouldn’t be at Leicester’s standard and I’m sure I could have left for bigger clubs but you couldn’t beat the spirit there at any club in the world.



if you actually read all that thanks

Digi_Tilmitt

I don't know much about these things because i'm useless at them, but if you can make stuff like that out of yout head then you should continue on writing and see how it developes as writing is obviosly a thing your good at.

Talliesin

Tom should shut up. Don't have characters tell you whats happening, have them show you what's happening. In particular don't have him just say straight out that he'll have nothing in common with Joe, demonstrate it. Also we're going to know Joe is black as soon as we see him and know he's English as soon as we hear him, there's no need to have it stated 10 seconds before hand.

Of course all rules of theatre can be broken, but only once you're very good at following them is it okay to break them.

Bounty Hunter

Originally posted by Talliesin
Tom should shut up. Don't have characters tell you whats happening, have them show you what's happening. In particular don't have him just say straight out that he'll have nothing in common with Joe, demonstrate it. Also we're going to know Joe is black as soon as we see him and know he's English as soon as we hear him, there's no need to have it stated 10 seconds before hand.

these are done for very good reasons
the play is going to be told through the eyes of a number of different characters primarily and in this case Toms.
i thought it let you know how he was thinking and make it easier to get to know and relate to him.

where he said he would have nothing in common with him it was supposed to be a joke

Tom: So you heard what she said a black English philosophy student really I don’t think we have a whole lot in common, well all except that last bit at least he’s one of us beautiful people (He says this while slowly stroking his own face)

thats why he added the bit about the beautiful people and why details such as Joe's being black and English were added as they both contrast with tom

i felt i should explain myself after your points but thanks after all i am looking for opinions on the peice