Christmas Joke - Post here!!

memphis

Well, the title says it all.

Anyone have any good christmas jokes?

If so please post em up here, I wanna see em, be it jokes, pics, animations, or simply links.

Thanks in advance.
Merry Christmas,

Memphis

hussey

Why does santa have such a big sack?
cause he only comes once a year

memphis

when I was young we were so poor that if i didn't wake up with a horn on Christmas morning i'd nothing to play with!!!

BioHazRd

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves
got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he
found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the
fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to
load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the
ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration,he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

memphis

I like it.

Good one BioHazRd!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don1

Class joke! Burst out laughin'. So much so I'm being stared out of now by the rest of the people in library!!

oeNeo

the sack one was the best tbh

Shiminay

This thread, a sticky I shall make it, yes?!

A powerful sticky it will be, powerful sticky.

memphis

Well I'm so glad I brightened someones day up.

Thanks Kharn, a sticky is a great idea ok.

Runfree

Some good jokes there

Mad_Patrick

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper??
He sold his soul to santa

ShayK1

well at least you tried Mad_Patrick

Runfree

12 days of Christmas



Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986


My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "partridge in a pear tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. You're an angel.

With all my love and devotion,
Agnes


Miss Agnes McHolstein
Dec. 15, 1986


Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle doves". I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I love you for them.

All my love,
Agnes


Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens". They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,
Agnes



Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds". Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes



Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes



Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but...please stop!

Cordially,
Agnes



Dec. 20, 1986

Fred,
What's with you and those f#@! birds?? Today I received "seven swans a swimming". What kind of a joke is this? These birds crapped all over the house and they never stop with that racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. Knock it off, OK?

Sincerely,
Agnes



Dec. 21, 1986

OK buster,
I think I prefer the birds to this torture. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight maids a milking"? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids to feed, but they had to bring their damn cows! There is manure all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart-guy!

Agnes



Dec. 22, 1986

Hey butthead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now I've got "Nine pipers playing" and lord do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over the birds. What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.

You'll get yours, bastard,



Dec. 23, 1986

You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these tramps "ladies". They've been up messing with the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the bloody racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure! The Commisioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned! I'm sticking the police on you, pal!

One who means it!



Dec. 24, 1986
Listen good.
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies? Some of these poor women may never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, and are starting to eye the cows. All 23 birds are dead...they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious jerk.

Lay the hell off.



Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL

December 26, 1986

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared through this office. I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happydale Private Hospital, the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on sight for the sake of our client's mental stability. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Season's Greetings,
J. Frank Cahole
Attorney

Don1

Who was first to that kind of thing? Was it Frank Kelly (he of Fr. Ted fame) or whoever was responsible for that un? Both good but I'd go for Frank Kelly's one first.

ozt9vdujny3srf

i saw mommy kissing santa clause

There will be no christmas persents from Santy this year