Even more jokes

Victor

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom:
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice ....
1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.
8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please send this message on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

Pep

Il never see bread in the same light again and once again dilberts words of wisdom ring true!!!!!!

Congoose

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

lol