post a few jokes HERE!

polarbelly

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
>>>>son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
>>>>
>>>>She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b**tards
>>>>who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last
>>>>stop!
>>>>
>>>>And all of you b**tards who are getting on, get your arse in the
>>>>train, cause we're going down the tracks".
>>>>
>>>>The horrified mother went in and told her son. "We don't use that
>>>>kind of language in this house".
>>>>
>>>>Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
>>>>
>>>>When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to
>>>>use nice language".
>>>>
>>>>Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
>>>>with his train.
>>>>
>>>>Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say.
>>>>
>>>>"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to
>>>>take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling
>>>>with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one".
>>>>
>>>>She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
>>>>we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
>>>>Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
>>>>pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
>>>>
>>>>As the mother began to smile, the child added.
>>>>
>>>>"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, blame
>>>>the fat b!tch in the kitchen."



sorry bout the arrows... just took it from an email... i opened this during my computer exam in college today...nearly fell about laughing...so i decided to share!

thedrowner

i see polarbelly's trying to fill both the debating and witty nature of the baords as asked for by people


i do have a joke but its of offensive nature so i apologise and ill delete it if it offends anyone

osama bin laden was on a plane going passed italy and he glanced down and saw the leaning tower of pisa. '****ing amateurs'....

polarbelly

yeah i should be a politician...wave a few quid in front of me and i'll do whatever ya want

anyway no it doesnt offend me ...nice joke

Amz

Sorry if this causes offence........Not my intention.......


Next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:


You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over today.
But you only have one arse.

Feel better?

roxy

heard this today:

What's got three legs and lives in a castle?

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.


And then there's my favourite joke ever:



Why do you put a baby in a blender feet-first?

So you can see the expression on its face.

That's a winner for me. Never gets old.

polarbelly

like gaaaawd amz ...way to like bring the conversation down

Amz

thedrowner

the david beckham ones are always gas, here's 2:

theres 5 people on a plane thats about to crash, and 4 parashoots. gerry adams says he should take one because hes a famous irish politician and has to tend to the needs of the country so the others agree and he takes it and goes. Roy keane says he is a famous footballer who also has to get back to his country and the others agree and he takes it and leaves. David Beckham says 'im a famous footballer and im not stupid like veeryone says so im just going to take this parashoot and go' and off he jumps.

theres 2 people left, a 10 year old schoolgirl and the pope, and the pope says 'you take it my child i'm very old and u still have your life ahead of u' and the girl replies' its ok theres 2 left, david beckham took my schoolbag'




david and victoria are in a cab on the way back from the airport and the cabbie is talking to david, asking them about their trip. "i;m actually going to the same place you went next week' the driver said and david starts recomending certain spots. 'there was this one restaurant that was lovely, but i cant remember the name of it....quick...name london train stations' and the driver says 'charing cross?' and david says 'no' so the cabbie suggests 'houston?" and david says 'no' and the cabbie says 'victoria?' and david says 'yeah thats the one! victoria, waht was the name of that resaurant we ate in....'

Cherry

Hahahaha. The Siamese Twin & The Parachute jokes.. fine family entertainment.

My Joke:

A woman is walking to the bathroom, past her daughters door, when she hears a buzzing. She walks inside & is quite surprised to see her daughter giving herself a good going-over with a big pink vibrator. "My GOD, what the hell do you think you're doing?!", the mother screeches. The daughter casually replies "Mom, I'm 25, I still live at home, I've never had a boyfriend. This vibrator is the closest I'll ever get to having a man." The mother thinks "Fair enough" & leaves the room.

The next day, the girls father is on his way from the bathroom & hears a buzzing as he passes his daughters room. He walks in & see's her giving herself a good going-over with the big pink vibrator. "What exactly do you think you're doing?!", he bellows. The daughter replies "Daddy, I'm 25, I still live at home, I've never had a boyfriend. This vibrator is the closest I'll ever get to having a man." The father thinks "True" & leaves the room.

The next day the woman is passing the door of her living room when she hears a familiar buzzing. Thinking to herself "Is ANYWHERE sacred?!??" she bursts in.. only to find her husband sitting in front of the TV, watching baseball & slugging back a Bud. With the vibrator perched on an arm rest.

"What.. the.. hell..", the woman gasps. "Hey honey relax", replies her husband, "I'm just watching the game with my son-in-law."

Long but ohso funny!

bandit

Heard this today
Why isnt micheal barrymore doing panto?
Because he's already done aladin.
OR
Why are there no ashtrays in barrymores house?
Because he puts all his fags out in the pool.

Delightful word play





My personnel fav
Whats got 6 legs and 2 heads?
Nirvana:D

Al Higgins

Another offensive one I'm afraid........

"whats orange and looks good on hippies?
........FIRE"

Shorty

Then there's Kurt's last words to Cortney; "Hole's gonna be big!"

shay

> A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
> something.
> The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
> over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
> For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver
> said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of
> me."
> The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
> realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which
> the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
> Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for
> the last 25 years."

Richie

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last
very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned
that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc
told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking
about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom,
but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his car over on the side
of the motorway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the car.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his
eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the
bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his
eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you
doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says,
"Well, you better check your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

James_M

3. Fúck me its warm in here
2. Bugger me thats a nice pint
1. Excuse me, do you mind if I push your stool in?

thedrowner

1)Beware! I got this today and the warning is genuine.
Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a London to Dublin flight.A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friendnoticed that he had left his bag behind.She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money and white powder. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered
"I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Cavan".
My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him.
"No", he whispered back...... "It's a s h i t h o l e ."



2)Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months. He walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"
He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight ... please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."
Giorgio gasps and says ... "Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes!"

Amz

Three convicts, an englishman, irishman and a scotsman, were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The English convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the scotsman, "What did you bring?"

The Scottish convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The Irish convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

polarbelly

***up***

Space Coyote

While I'm thinking of a good joke or two to share, here's a bit of light humour...
...go to this site and turn on yer speakers...

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

pure class I tells ye

Space Coyote

Here be a joke ...

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a
speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says,
"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do
to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and
in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs.
He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back,
"It's because it takes place in the future...."

Space Coyote

Yiv prolly heard dis one b4 but tis a classic...

Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.
'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few
problems at home.'
'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? posh & the kids Ok?'
'Oh, there fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and i'm
losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me head up.'
'Whatever's the matter?' says fergie
'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the
other day and.........'
'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing cr@p because of a jigsaw?'
'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!'says David, It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on yhe box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and
everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and,
and.........'
'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'
'Ok boss,but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks
really easy on the box and i'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything,er... on the box...er.....sorry boss.'
'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the bloody jigsaw and let's have a
look shall we. It can't be that difficult'.
'Thanks boss.' says David.
So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office.
'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box,'look boss, it's a tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and everything..'
Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk.
Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his
hands and says to Beckham...........

'Put the f***ing Frosties back in the box David'.

Space Coyote

Last one for now ...

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer
pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are
fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

:eek:

roxy

Originally posted by thedrowner
Stay away from Cavan".

"It's a s h i t h o l e ."

:mad:

down with that sort of thing. It's beautiful countryside, it's just got bad drainage..


anyway, back to the jokes....

Wacker

I know a lot of REALLY terrible jokes! At last, an auience!!!


Where did the sick bee go? The waspital.


What do you give an injured rabbit? A hoperation.


What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment.


What do you give a sick bird? Tweatment.



When is the best time to buy a budgie? When it is going cheap.


Where did the weight-obsessed whale go? The whale-weigh station.


What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto (what else?).


A one-legged man is at the bus-stop. A bus pulls up and the driver says to him "How are you doing? How are you getting on?"


Thats all for now!

Amz

Congratulations Wacker! You've just completely destroyed my faith in humanity!!!!!!

You goin on the pub crawl or is you still not done with yer essays and stuff??

Space Coyote

ANOTHER DAVID BECKHAM JOKE ... they're always funny though

A plane was about to crash and there were 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes.
The first person said. " I am Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I am worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I think I should be saved."
The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went.
The second person said "I am Gerry Adams, a radical Irish politician who can really help my country and I think I should be saved."
The others said." O.K." and gave him a parachute.
The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English football team. I have a wife and two sons. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute." and off he went.
There were two folk left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl.
The Pope said, "child I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with t he aircraft and take my chances"
"It's O.K.", said the girl, "there are still two parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag."

Pigman

A Buddhist goes up to a hotdog vendor and asks for a hotdog, the vendor asks 'what do you want on that?' the Buddhist says 'make me one with everything'.

rockchick

al is gonna die a slow and painful death because of his joke about hippies!!!!
all of us are gonna chain ourselves to you and set you on fire!!!:mad:

Don't think you'll get away with it:eek:
be afraid BE VERY AFRAID:mad:

Cherry

First of all, my apologies to any blondes reading this..

Three girls are eating their lunch on a bridge. A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde. The brunette had a bologna sandwich. The red-head had a ham and cheese sandwich. The blonde had Peanut Butter & Jam.

The brunette opens her lunch box and says, "Man, if I get one more bologna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."
The red-head opens her lunch box and says, "Man, if I get one more ham and cheese sandwich, I'm also going to jump off this bridge."
The blonde opens her lunch box and says, "If I get another PB & J sandwich, I'm jumping off this bridge, too."

So, the next day they all find the same sandwiches in their lunch boxes and jump off the bridge.

The brunette's mother was talking to the other girls' mothers and said, "If she didn't want to have another bologna sandwich, she could have said so."
The red-head's mother replied, "Yeah. My daughter could have done the same thing."
The blonde's mother said, "I don't get it. She made her own lunch."

Also..

A dietitician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75 year old man in the front stood up and said .........

"Wedding cake"

horsekick

seeing as bin laden jokes seem to be popular.....

A keery woman is hired by the s.a.s to find Bin Laden's secret hide out and blow it up.
Unfortunately she got her semtex mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong c unt.

old i know...