Quotes and sayings

TomTom

DON'T call me crazy - I've had to go to therapy because I told everyone you were sucked into a board game... Jumanji

I had to stop drinking alcohol because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass. - Robin Williams

'It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames' - Harry Hill

640 Kilobytes of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981

"I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night..." - Andre Botes

"Winston, you are drunk." - Lady Astor
"Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober" - Winston Churchill

Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!"

I wouldn't go out into the sunlight if i were you, for fear your shadow would run away as soon as it noticed that YOU were the one whom it was attached to.

You are pure inspiration for birth control.

You look like your face was on fire!... And put out with a spade!

Your so ugly you made a blind kid cry

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.

Government Warning: We are corrupt and have sold out to corporate interest. Do not listen to our advice.

A blonde goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says: Doc it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts! Doc what's wrong? The doctor answers: Your finger is broken!

'This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602. 'If you look out of the windows on the side of the plane, you will observe that both engines are on fire. If you look out the windows on the other side you can see that the wing has fallen off. If you look towards the ocean you will see three people waving from a bright yellow lifeboat. That's me, the co-pilot and one of the stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!'

Bill and Hillary Clinton were out for a walk, when Hillary exclaimed: Bill, I used to date that man! Realizing that she was pointing to a gas jockey, Bill exclaimed: Wow, just think, you could have been married to a gas jockey! Hillary's answer: Actually Bill, just think - that man could have been President of the United States!

Hickory, dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.

665: Neighbour of the Beast.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): 'Do not turn upside down'. (Oops, too late!)

Pschitt - A german drink that doesn't sound too appetizing

On a bag of Fritos: 'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside'. (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: Fly Delta).

On a packet of Sainsbury's salted peanuts: 'CONTAINS NUTS' (duh!)

On a Swedish chain saw: 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

On a container of Popz popcorn, the Spanish translation of 'butter flavored' was 'gusto burro,' which means, you guessed it, 'donkey flavored.'

On a Bar of Dove soap: Use Like regular soap. (And how would that be?)

On a Korean Knife: Keep out of Children

Thats it for the moment

Zoot

I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.

Sounds like a line from Tommy Cooper. I likes it.

On a Swedish chain saw: 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.

Took quick double take, grimace, and knees involuntarily came together. OOoooooowwwwwwwww.

Acidflash

some good ones in there

Dooom

On a pack of EuroShopper salted peanuts " Warning - May Contain Nut Traces"

Dredz

Good, but slapped together from some old posts a while ago, methinks Liked the Churchill one...

pickarooney

Originally posted by TomTom

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

They also sold it in France, oblivious to the fact that "gerber" means "to puke" in French.

bozzie

Winston, you are drunk." - Lady Astor "Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober" - Winston Churchill

thought that was patrick kavanagh to lady livery

TomTom

It was winston alright.

This came in the p45 newsletter the other day. Just thought I'd add it for all of you who don't read it.

"Skang, n. - a form of English spoken in certain parts of Ireland (cf slang,
skanger)"

Yep, it's P45.net's latest E-jits Guide!!!
HOW TO SPEAK 'SKANG'!!!

In the interests of world peace and harmony, and to help the tourists and the
hoity-toity people, our readers have come up with this handy guide to various
popular traditional Skang expressions, and their nearest equivalent in "modren"
English.

Take our easy-to-follow two-part guide and you will soon be able to converse in
Skang, or at least understand it without the subtitles.

Lesson #1: "General Everyday Expressions"

"Story, bud?" = "Good afternoon, fellow skanger, and how are you this fine day?"

"Here, Anto, look at dah, it's a fookin' red sun!" = "What a lovely panorama,
the rich reds of the sunset, mingling with the azure of the Atlantic Ocean,
combining to form the entire beauty of all creation in one calm view!"

"What? Her? She's beat!" = "Pardon me? That aforementioned lady? Her aesthetic
values are somewhat dubious"

"Where the fook's me smokes? Lads, which of yis fookin c***s stole me fookin'
smokes?" = "Excuse me, chaps, I seem to have mislaid my cigarettes. Would you
have any idea as to the location of the aforesaid items?"

"I do in me bollix" = "I certainly do not"

"Gerr up ta fook ya bollix ya" = "Sir, you jest!"

"Ask me arse" = "I will not comply with your request."

"Wot da fook?" = "I am terribly sorry, good sir, but I did not catch that.
Please would you be so kind as to repeat your question? What exactly do you mean
by 'ask my arse?" Furthermore, I do not understand your motivation in answering
a simple yes or no question with such an elongated reply"

"Got any odds on ya bud?" = "Sir, might I be so bold as to request some spare
coinage from you?"

"Gerrup da yard!" = "I have serious reservations as to the validity of your
previous comment, I am afraid to say."

"Here bud, got a smoke?" = "Excuse me, my friend, but i have misplaced my cigar,
and am suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Dare I ask you therefore, if you have
a cigar (or other nicotine product) to spare?"

"Culchie fooker" = "You, sir, are a poor country boy who doesn't know the way of
us sophisticated big city folk"

"Gizmo woz here" = "A gentleman with said moniker 'Gizmo' was in the vicinity of
this wall, upon which his signature has been applied with great flourish to
prove his attendance"

"Votin'? Are ya bleedin g4y?" = "No no no Raynard, my father told me the real
issue is not that some States will not have a Commissioner from time to time,
but what is the status of the Commission when there are several countries
without representation on it at the same time? We should not risk that - to
diminish the Commission in this way is unacceptable. It is bad for the EU to
have a Commission from which several member States were not represented. It
would be incapable of representing the interests of the EU as a whole, and I
quite frankly believe him."

Spunog UIE

i like the last one, heard it ah well back but still good