Chili Competition

BioHazRd

This is an old one, but i reckon its worth a post

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.

Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to Stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

BKtje

i think that was worth the read

Pugsley

ROFL,i was crying by the end of #5, by #7 i wasn ear of the seat!!

pyure

god damn that was funny

im sitting in college reading this...the effort of trying not to laugh out loud was to much for me and im gettin angry looks from people upto 50feet away...think woman beside me thinks im choking, maybe with good reason (red faced, gasping for breath, tears rolling down face etc)

thanks for that, if laughter does indeed make you healthier then that one coulda cured cancer or the plague

NeoSlicerZ

OMFG the poor guy!!!

GoneShootin

roffle

tho not as funny as a similar SIMPSONS episode

daveJAM

You bastard, I'm in the college library trying to keep a straight face. I think I might have pulled it off, no odd looks from anyone, but now my cheeks really hurt.

OLDYELLAR

lol nice one

Carbiens

i was ****ing myself with laughter about the same time that poor basterd was really ****ting himself.

now all thats made me hungry.

Mibel

oh my god i nearly choked laughing in college. IN THE LIBRARY ITS FULL ppl looking in fear at me absolute CLASSIC well worth the humiliation

Leverz

LMBO

My god in the libary here in college, tears tripping me, people wondering wtf is up with him. Friends coming over and reading it laughing, what can i say.

Superb, I wanna try Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli!

nice one

Mistakill

Originally posted by BioHazRd
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.

You can never resiste laughing at a fart.

Dazzer

Classic!

Xander

You complete and utter w@nk@r!!!!!

I have spent the past few minutes trying to keep a straight face, AND read your damn joke, WHILE I had tears streaming down my face. I've never and I mean NEVER been so embaressed!!!!

Right now I am sitting in the university library with people still staring at me following my performance of "Ode to the choking person", with empty chairs on either side of me, cos people didn't want to have to help me stop chokng.

Damn you, damn you to hell.

Although at the same time it was a good joke.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!