Premier League Table 2002-2003

Rabies · 19-08-2002 9:07am #1

1. Liverpool
Liverpool recovered from a poor start and, following
Gerard Houlliers internment in the "Home for the
French and Permanently Startled", they went on an 18
game unbeaten run due in the main part to an injury
to Emile Heskey. He did however, recover to play a full part in the
final stages but Liverpool still managed to hold on to be crowned
premier league champions.

2. Manchester City
A more than respectable return to the top flight.
Scoring 178 goals in just 36 game would normally
furnish the title yet the conceding of 177 goals has
led to Schmeical's retirement due to a bad back. Kevin
Keegan hopes to be released any day now from the
padded cell he has been confined to since the incident
live on Match of the Day in March when he tried to
stuff Motty's cap 15 inches up his ringpiece following
the 8-7 home defeat to West Ham.

3. Arsenal
A second successive season for the Gunners as they scored in every
game Unfortunately for them they also had a player sent off in every
game as well as they are a bunch of cheating thugs.

4. Chelsea
Ranieri's sacking in November transformed the
Londoners into a footballing force to be reckoned
with as new Coach David O'Leary changed the tactics completely by
simply playing people in their proper positions. O'Leary's future at
the Bridge looks grim, however, since he publicly accused Ken Bates of
being a "f#kc-faced old $h!tpot" and labelled Marcel
Desailly "a frog-faced tw@t" following his FA Cup
semi-final penalty miss.

5. Newcastle
Things looked bleak in October when Sir Bobby finally
'pegged out' during a Worthington Cup match in Grimsby
but the decision to have him stuffed and propped
against the dug-out for the remainder of the season
really paid dividends. "He's a lot more knowledgable
about the game now" said Alan Shearer, "infact I can't remember the
last time I had to remind him who I was".

6. Leeds
Close to a Champions league spot but no cigar,
although, "not so" according to Mr Venables who states
quite clearly in the final match programme that he can
get you any number of cigars for little more than
"three monkeys". Leeds season stumbled into crisis
when, following their inability to offload any
players, they were forced to sell their ground and
played the last third of the season at the local park.

7. Middlesborough
A good season by Boro's standards, helped in no small
part by Juninho's September decision to f#kc off back
to Brazil once and for all and let the 'Riversiders'
get on with their f#kcing lives. Rumour has it that
Steve McClaren is already in negotiations with a
hitman to kill the little f#kcers agent.

8. Tottenham
Glenn Hoddles religious beliefs both helped and
hampered the North London club's campaign in a tricky
season. His decision to play God in the centre of
midfield following an injury to Tim Sherwood resulted
in some inconsistency and confusion. As God is
omni-present he was constantly offside but carried his defensive
duties out with some relish as He was, literally, everywhere.
Confusion often arose on the occasions He went into the ref's book as
he would vary his name between 'The Father, The Son and The Holy
Ghost".

9. Blackburn Rovers
Another season of consolidation for the Lancashire
club who rcovered from the trauma of one day finding
10,000 holes in the area surrounding Ewood Park.
Apparently Garry Flitcroft still lies at the bottom of
one after a team mate bet him he couldn't get any
lower.

10. West Ham Utd
The pre-season dental work on Glenn Roeder made Upton
Park a far less scary venue for visiting teams this
season. This, coupled with Paulo De Cannio's
insistance that his team mates play the entire ninety
minutes on their knees because they "are not worthy to
be the same height as me", hindered the campaign.

11. Southampton
Another season of mid-table comfort thanks in no small
part to Gordon Strachan's strategy of only playing
people called Svensson which disconcerted the
opposition no end.

12. Aston Villa
A season of injuries for the Villa Park club. August
began with Alpay falling over his chin as he rushed to
board a plane to Germany, Angel got his hair caught in
one of Paul Merson's chins in October, Lee Hendrie
left to play the 'Sprite' in the soft drink ad
campaign on a full time basis in November and when
Peter Crouch broke his jaw on one of the floodlights
in December the season was all but over.

13. Sunderland
The pressure finally proved too much for Peter Reid
this year and, following his total regression into a
monkey and his cross-bar swinging tricks during the
half-time interval of their away game with Leeds in
December, the board decided to act and Peter was on
his way. The arrival of Donna Air as his replacement
improved morale but not results.

14. Fulham
Despite the fact that Fulham only scored three goals
all season (one pen, one own goal and a 40 yard net
buster from Saha - all against Manchester City) Fulham
were saved by the intervention of Mr Al Fayed as he
put all his dirty washing into the Fulham goal thus
ensuring that only thirteen goals were conceded all
season (one by Arsenal and twelve by Manchester City).

15. Everton
It finally happened in December, Duncan Ferguson's
legs fell off. Things were going well until then for
the Merseysiders but big Dunc's inability to get on
the end of crosses from his prone position in the
centre circle proved costly as the season progressed.
The Everton board finally came up with enough money in February to buy
a second-hand coffee table to perch him on but, alas, it was too
little too late and the club are now desperately trying to offload the
table.

16. Charlton Athletic
Won some, lost some, drew some, erm...... boring
f#kcers.

17. West Brom
Survival attained on the last day of the season when
Bob Taylors wheelchair deflected Darren Moore's
hopeful hoof into the roof of the net with seconds to
spare. A great season for the Baggies thanks largely
to their big pre-season signing, 13yr old Adrian
Munsey, who was snapped up for 15 bags of crisps from
local side the Dudley Merauders last July. "We took a
big chance with Adrian" said Gary Megson "but it's
paid off and at £7.50 and a sherbert dab a week he's
just about justified his wages and the unrest it
initially caused in the dressing room".

18. Bolton Wanderers
Bolton never recovered from losing their manager
during the FA Cup 3rd round tie at Lincoln. The tunnel
at Sincil Bank is notoriously narrow and when Sam
Allerdyce got his head stuck, there was little other
option than to chop it off, unfortunately, it then
rolled onto the pitch and broke both of Michael
Ricketts legs thus ending their season.

19. Birmingham City
Being top of the 'Been hit in the face with a shovel
league' and survival in the Premier League are two
different things as Steve Bruce found out to his cost.
The big money spent last summer failed to pay off and
leaves the club precariously held afloat by the w@nk
stained hand of David Sullivan.

20. Manchester United.
The writing was on the wall as early as last season
when Fergie threatened to stay on. When that threat
became reality panic set in as Fergie's recent record
of signing horse-faced forwards, bald dwarf keepers, gereitric frogs
and 70's Argentinian porn-stars sent the shareholders running for
cover. Despite Fergie being sensationally ousted, when an explosive
was detonated in his left nostril in March, the season
could not be saved.