Bloke Rules

Drazhar

Probably been here before, and will probably be edited, but anyway:


The Rules For Being A Man

1. Any bloke who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two blokes share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a bloke to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss's car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your girlfriend is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a bloke who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

8. No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke (in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional). This includes girls or ladettes classed as mates.

9. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

10. While your girlfriend must bond with your mates' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads.

11. When stumbling upon other guys watching the rugby, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

12. You may fart in front of a Sheila only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

13. It is permissible to quaff a girly fruity chick drink (e.g., breezer, Metz, etc) only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. Any other time - strictly no.

14. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

15. If a bloke's zip is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

16. Girls who claim the "love to watch football" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A bloke in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed girl must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.

20. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in slagging off a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

25. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

phreak

seen it before. don't think it was here. might have been an e-mail

Mutz

I Have Violated at Least 1/4 of These.... Do I Fail?

Ruaidhri

Have Violated at Least 1/4 of These.... Do I Fail?

yes.especially if you are a man(or come to think of it now,even if you are a woman )

Thanx 4 The Fish

Haven't seen it b4, was all good.

Mutz, I don't like your use of the word violated there.

tman

3. It is ok for a bloke to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss's car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your girlfriend is using her teeth.

not sure about a, but d is shockingly true, wish i'd never seen that feckin film

Cake Fiend

Again, straight out of Maxim :rolleyes:

www.originalityskillz.com

Drazhar

had a flick through a copy of FHM and an almost exact replica is in the issue, about 3 months old
Forgot all about that one, i got this in an Email