Church news letter bloopers

EvilGeorge · 09-08-2002 10:06am #1

Just had this mailed to me , dont know if it has been posted here before , its long but has some goodins!

> > > Old and New Church Bulletin Boards Bloopers :-)))
> > > >
> > > > These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing
what
> a
> > > > little proofreading would have prevented.
> > > >
> > > > ________________
> > > >
> > > > The church is starting a New Young Mother's Group.
> > > >
> > > > Anyone desiring to be a new young Mother is to meet with the pastor
> > > >
> > > > in his office.
> > > >
> > > > _________________
> > > >
> > > > Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
> > > >
> > > > The Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha
> > > >
> > > > Belch all the way from Africa.
> > > >
> > > > _________________
> > > >
> > > > Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
> > > >
> > > > FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer
> > > >
> > > > conference includes meals."
> > > >
> > > > __________________
> > > >
> > > > Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving
> > > >
> > > > obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> > > >
> > > > _________________
> > > >
> > > > "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
> > > >
> > > > those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
> > > >
> > > > husbands."
> > > >
> > > > _____________________
> > > >
> > > > The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
> to
> > > >
> > > > a conflict.
> > > >
> > > > ___________________
> > > >
> > > > The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon
> > > >
> > > > tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus"
> > > >
> > > > _____________________
> > > >
> > > > Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the
> > > >
> > > > help they can get.
> > > >
> > > > ______________________
> > > >
> > > > Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
> > > >
> > > > transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes
> > > >
> > > > of Pastor Jack's sermons.
> > > >
> > > > _______________________
> > > >
> > > > The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
> > > >
> > > > will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
> > > >
> > > > ______________________
> > > >
> > > > Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
> > > >
> > > > someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care
> > > >
> > > > much about you, and hopefully they will respond.
> > > >
> > > > _______________________
> > > >
> > > > Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
> > > >
> > > > _______________________
> > > >
> > > > Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
> > > >
> > > > church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> > > >
> > > > ___________________
> > > >
> > > > A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
> > > >
> > > > Music will follow.
> > > >
> > > > _____________________
> > > >
> > > > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
> > > >
> > > > Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> > > >
> > > > ______________________
> > > >
> > > > Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
> > > >
> > > > several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> > > >
> > > > _______________________
> > > >
> > > > The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy
> > > >
> > > > sinning to join the choir.
> > > >
> > > > _______________________
> > > >
> > > > Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be
> > > >
> > > > recycled. Proceeds will be used to help cripple children.
> > > >
> > > > ______________________
> > > >
> > > > The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
> > > >
> > > > green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
> > > >
> > > > _______________________
> > > >
> > > > For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
> > > >
> > > > nursery downstairs.
> > > >
> > > > ________________________
> > > >
> > > > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
> > > >
> > > > person(s) you want remembered.
> > > >
> > > > ________________________
> > > >
> > > > Attend this meeting and you will hear an excellent speaker and
heave
> > > >
> > > > a healthy lunch.
> > > >
> > > > _________________________
> > > >
> > > > The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
> entertainment,
> > > >
> > > > and gracious hostility.
> > > >
> > > > ________________________
> > > >
> > > > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. ...prayer and medication to
> follow.
> > > >
> > > > ________________________
> > > >
> > > > The ladies of the Church have cast off old clothing of every kind.
> > > >
> > > > They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> > > >
> > > > _________________________
> > > >
> > > > This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
> > > >
> > > > from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> > > >
> > > > _______________________
> > > >
> > > > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All
ladies
> > > >
> > > > are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
> > > >
> > > > ____________________
> > > >
> > > > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
> > > >
> > > > would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next
> > > Sunday
> > > >
> > > > morning.
> > > >
> > > > ______________________
> > > >
> > > > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM, Please
use
> > > >
> > > > the back door.
> > > >
> > > > _______________________
> > > >
> > > > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
> > > >
> > > > Church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to
> > > >
> > > > attend this tragedy.
> > > >
> > > > _____________________
> > > >
> > > > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
> > > >
> > > > Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
> > > >
> > > > _____________________
> > > >
> > > > Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
> > > >
> > > > _____________________
> > > >
> > > > AND THE BEST FOR LAST, .......
> > > >
> > > > The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
> > > >
> > > > slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."