blonde joke + few more

Rabies

A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, “Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”

The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?”

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A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?”

“About three knots,” says the hooker.

“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

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A waiter asks a patron, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

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A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

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A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin, and an alert cop pulls him over.

“Where have you been?” asks the police officer.

“To the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens!” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

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A guy is driving through New Mexico when he sees a Native American thumbing for a ride. He pulls over, and the hitchhiker gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag in the front seat.

“What’s in the bag?” he asks.

“It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife,” says the driver.

“Hmm,” says the Indian. “Good trade.”

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A Sunday-school teacher asked her class the question: “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”

Suzie raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

“And why is that, Suzie?” asked the teacher.

Suzie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!”

“What a wonderful answer!” the teacher said.

Now Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Teacher, I think it’s your legs.” The teacher looked at him warily. “Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, ‘Oh, God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t had her pinned down, we’d have lost her for sure!”


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A man had been drinking at a pub all night when the bartender finally decided to close up shop. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air to try to sober up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called-you left your wheelchair there again.”

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A man and a woman who have never met before are assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a transcontinental train. After some initial awkwardness, they settle into their respective berths for the night.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes up the woman, and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?”

The woman leans out and says with a grin, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight let’s pretend we’re married.”

“You mean…”

“Yep, get your own damn blanket!”

phreak

The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?”

lol :rolleyes:

cujimmy

A waiter asks a patron, “May I take your order, sir?” “Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

fandabidosie:D