Mental state after sex...

LegacyUser

hi everyone, this is a problem that I've had for the last few years ever since my life took off sexually.

Basically the probelm boils down to this:
After having sex with a girl, my mindset towards her totally and drastically changes, and I really couldn't care less if she wasn't there.
The moment I'm talking about is just after the climax/orgasm, I've shot my load to put it bluntly and my attention just wants to be elsewhere doing different things.

I've always tried not to let these feelings be acted upon, I've always tried to talk and cuddle and be close after sex, but if I am to be honest then at that exact time its the last thing on my mind.
I'd rather be reading or watching tv or eating or playing CS or sleeping or whatever, just not the cuddling and having to force myself to be sensitive towards her, not because I don't like her or whatever just that I suddenly lose interest.

BTW, 'her' in this case is the girls I've been with in my past, from long term gfriends to short term things to the occasional 1 nighter. The most frustrating thing is that at any other time apart from the hour after sex I like nothing better than quality time with the gf, chatting, or even jst doing nothing and sitting beside her, its fantastic.

I know that maybe its someting biological as well in men that means we don't want to hang around our females after we've done the procreation thing, but I was hoping that maybe I was mature and copped on enough, *AND* that I cared enough about my gf, to be able to overcome these feelings and enjoy the aftersex cuddling and talking, but I don't.....

its almost depressing me now as on occasion I've been a real prick to my gf, and later that day or whatever not able to understand why or how I could have just gone to sleep with my back to her or not said a word and gone into another room.

I've been reading the opinions and advice on here for the last few months and its good to see that its not all sympathy, some people who deserve it get a good talking to at the same time.

So if you can spare the time,
1) Does this happen to anyone else, and how bad is it?

2) Am I a selfish prick? If I am how can I sort it out?

thanks

seamus

It's a man thing apparently. Happens to loads of men. There's a few theories:

; During climax, the man has lost his self-control, he's literally at the mercy of his own body. After it, he feels like he needs to regain that control, so wants to go do manly things - Watch TV alone, use the computer, fix that leaky pipe........

; It may be a 'sow your seeds' defence mechanism. The time immediately after sex is one of those 'bonding' points for both men and women. By avoiding this period (ie by pissing off), the man can once again roam freely and impregnate other females, without having any emotional attachments.

; On the flipside of that, it could be the complete opposite. The man has had sex with the women, she is his, so now he needs to go provide for her. Hence the 'manly' urges - he wants to go and hunt.

Draw your own conclusions, but rest assured, it happens to most men, and like most other things during sex, it's a primal, ingrained feeling, so there's feck all you can do about it, so I wouldn't say you're being selfish. If it's a long-term gf however, explain the situation to her, tell her to come back to you after about 10 mins. She'll probably still not like it, but it's better than just pissing off without any explanation

darthmise

Orgasms release different hormones in men than they do in women. Women feel love, men feel tired. I dont know the name of the hormones but i think the women one is endorphins. ( i'm very articulate today aren't i?)

But i can't say i've ever felt what you're describing, with anyone i've cared about that i've been with. (moral police on the way).

LegacyUser

hi, original poster back again,

the biggest thing that is that I care for my gf a huge amount, and I usually do lie there and chat or cuddle, but all the while I'll be thinkiing " I really want to go and do X right now, or maybe Y, yeah that'd be fun..."

dunno about telling her, she might take it personally no matter how I explain that it (could) be a biological thing,

anyway, thanks again

darthmise

Originally posted by darthmise
(moral police on the way).

christ.... when i start typing stuff like that, i know i spend too much time on the net!
Next i'll be quoting star trek episode numbers and bringing a coffee perculator into my bedroom...:rolleyes:

DapperGent

To be honest I wouldn't even start feeling guilty about this what matters more is what you're like to her overall and of course what you're like directly before and during sex I sometimes feel exactly the way you do maybe even worse. Theres nothing you can do about it and the fact that you regret that you feel that way is IMO enough in itself. Alls I can say is try and do the cuddly thing put up with it and when whatever chemicals rushing around your head that are making you asshole stop in 10-15 mins you'll enjoy it. Just my pair of shekels.

Wook

it's what the French call 'Little Death'
every man feels a bit melancholic after sex, its natural.
Ever saw a lion cudling a tiger after the sex ? since we are talking about a very primitive thing here , our actions follow accordingly.
Nothing to worry about

DapperGent

Originally posted by Wook
Ever saw a lion cudling a tiger after the sex ?

That would probably be the embarassment from their shameful and perverted inter-species eroticism.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Unregistered
1) Does this happen to anyone else, and how bad is it?

Sure - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Zzzzzzz

2) Am I a selfish prick? If I am how can I sort it out?

No you're just a guy.

You just learn to overcome this instinct, like any other instinct. A man should always show affection after the act. At the very least it's good manners and it might get you brekfast in the morning.

Wook

Originally posted by DapperGent


That would probably be the embarassment from their shameful and perverted inter-species eroticism.

hmm you might have a point there

DrummerBoy

Originally posted by The Corinthian

................it might get you brekfast in the morning.

I'm glad to see that romance isn't dead after all.

LegacyUser

I love post sex cuddling. Nothing quite like a woman sleeping on your chest.

po0k

Better then a hotwater bottle most times, unless you're cubling her feet, and they're cold..... <brrrrr>

DeVore

So you have the sudden urge to be elsewhere after sex?

I dont know how to tell you this... I'm afraid, you're a... a bloke. *dramatic music*.

A lot of blokes feel this way, jesus I cant stand to be with one person for an extended period of time let alone after sex

Relax, try and *like* the person you are with rather then having sex with meaningless people, cos then it IS all just about you and wtf would you WANT to stick around one you're done.

DeV.

neuro-praxis

I think that the main reason women like to cuddle after sex is because they want to be reassured that the sex was a loving action and that they personally were desired and not just their bodies.

I'm sure you're aware that when you turn away afterwards she may be left feeling isolated and insecure.

You aren't a prick at all, as the basis of this probably does simply lie in your maleness, but perhaps you should battle with your instincts and find a way to make your partner feel loved and worthy after sex even if it is inconvenient to you.

Being in a loving relationship after all is abut what you can give - not what you can take. If it is simply a once off - hrm, you probably don't have obligations to feel loving towards your partner because it was all about sex and nothing about love anyway. Good luck with it all.

Mutz

Originally posted by Unregistered
I love post sex cuddling. Nothing quite like a woman sleeping on your chest.

Damn Straight.

I Prefere when they are Sleeping instead of trying to start Some really heavy conversation when im trying to get my energy back ...lol (Heavy Conversations just ruin the Moment)

Thanx 4 The Fish

Read a book once that described post sex cuddling as afterplay. Apparently makes the next time even better. Is is only recently that I cared enough for somebody to be able to sleep facing them and I find the cuddle afterwards very relaxing.

Pablo

she prob feels the same

WhiteWashMan

i like all the nice aprés sex stuff.
its all very comforting

thegills

3 scenario's spring to mind

1. Your gf has climaxed before you have. She probably doesn't care what you do after your climax.
2. You climax simultaneously. Your gf still doesn't care what you do as her climax should last long enough for you to recover from your 'want away' problem
3. You climax and she doesn't. The most common scenario. If you like sex with her and want to please her, you will continue to please her until she climaxes. In this instance you shouldn't even be thinking about anything else and cuddling up to a woman mid-climax is spot-on.

Morpheus

Well known fact....

You climax before she does, you keep going to please her, this presents major problems.

Firstly, it can be painful/at least uncomfortable for the male to keep going.

Secondly after the male climax's (is that how you spell it?) certain parts of the male sexual organ can start to "deflate" for want of a better word. If you have a condom on, it will most likely slide off while your 'banging away' ( :rolleyes: sorry!) and end up having to be extracted from her vag...(you get the picture)

Thirdly you could end up impregnating her (heh heh sounds like aliens ) because sperm escapes from the now not so airtight sperm tight condom.

While the above is not always the case, its usually better to not risk it, tell her your sorry and take a break, then have another go!!!

thegills

Morpheus - Without meaning to slag you off, there's more than one way to skin a cat, know what I mean.

You're correct in what you say but perhaps you should be a bit more open minded.

Hat Girl

Baaaaa.
You are an unfeeling little hippo-humper to want to leave her straight aftr sex. CTYI rocks.
Chow

Morpheus

slag me off??

i was only pointing out some home truths about what can happen.And you dont always deflate either! I was merely letting people know about the risks involved in what someone else said earlier.

Anyway if your getting there too quick, just can always chill, back out and let your fingers do the walking for a while, then rejoin the fray!

Jak

Originally posted by DapperGent


That would probably be the embarassment from their shameful and perverted inter-species eroticism.

Sorry - that was just pure class

As for the whole issue - to be honest Im not big on the whole cuddling thing either, my reaction depends on the time of day - if its evening Ill usually just sleep (everyones happy), if its morning/afternoon I'll wait a few but usually I just want to be up and doing something else at that stage.

It is a chemical thing allegedly - but if you think that a lot of times there can be a big build up to sex .. your out .. you decide to head off early .. you get back .. play around etc etc. When its over - it was fun - but its over - and in that exact instance we have a chemically assisted window of opportunity to get the hell out of bed and do something else productive - and if we let it slide all the time, we'd never leave.

Morpheus

I think sex is way over-rated anyway.

I mean there IS a big hype about it, and then you get into messing around, and when alls said and done, the downer I find myself on after you both scream the room down, is so bad that you dont really want to bother again.

as well as that, I find that im so tired after working all week, that unless i get a good friday nites sleep like 8 - 10 hrs, there aint gonna be much happening all weekend, il be out on sat nite, have a beer and fall asleep, and if we head off early for some playin around, the minute we'd lie together, my eyes would roll back and id be snoring!!!

I think that spending too much time with someone, like seeing your partner all the time, can leave you too used to seeing em, and they arent so attractive to you.

This can also leave you not really wanting to do anything with em, but maybe thats just me....

Like at the minute she wants to see me all the time, but im pissed off and want time alone with my friends and to myself as well as seeing her.

She takes too much of my time up and i feel like im doing nothing with my life and... actually this i realise should be another thread and THAT my friends is not good news for my personal life....

:rolleyes: oh for the single life again, why oh why didnt i stay IN, instead of partying the nite away at my mates 21st that November nite last year.... Life could be so different, i wouldnt feel guilty for checkin out other women on the trains/darts/clubs/bars/etc... i miss flirting and being a player!

darthmise

Originally posted by Morphéus
I think sex is way over-rated anyway.

No its not, your just doing it wrong.

:rolleyes: oh for the single life again, why oh why didnt i stay IN, instead of partying the nite away at my mates 21st that November nite last year.... Life could be so different, i wouldnt feel guilty for checkin out other women on the trains/darts/clubs/bars/etc... i miss flirting and being a player!

[/B]


So get single and quit whining.

LegacyUser

juz 2 let u no ur one selfish bastard u cud at least try 2be a little more sensitive 2ur gf and do things 4her after uve cum.wel i tink shes stupid 2even go out wit u if the only person u tink bout is urself and ur prescious dick which im sure is verrrrrrrrrry small...

neuro-praxis

Oh shut up.

LegacyUser

It's very honest of the thread starter to tell us about his feelings. I think I've seen this behaviour in men. My current b/f is very affectionate after sex, so no problem there. I particularly need cuddling after sex, especially if it's been a long and emotional encounter. I like him to keep my tummy warm with his body and maybe that makes fertilisation more likely, I don't know.

Wook mentioned the 'little death'. This happens to women, rather than men. It usually happens after intense multiple orgasms and causes our breathing to become shallow and our bodies to go limp and lifeless. When it first happened to me, my b/f thought I was dead. He was very upset and jumped out of bed, (poor thing). I came out of it in about a minute or so. For me, it was like an out-of-body experience and felt as though I was dreaming. I've told him next time that happens, he must not stop. LOL.

Leanne

Grrr !! I wasn't logged in.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by neuro-praxis
Oh shut up.

thats not very helpful you know.

be a bit more caring and sharing, and a little less pass remarkable

The Corinthian

This article may be of interest.

Also, in a related article something that may shed a little light on how men and women are affected (post-coitally) differently:

"Oxytocin may also play a role in the higher levels of depression and interpersonal stress seen in women, said Turner. According to most psychiatrists, women experience depression twice as often as men and tend to be more affected by relationship difficulties. Turner and her colleagues hope that their work on oxytocin will guide future research on the psychiatric conditions of men and women."

Clintons Cat

i love that whole post coitial chemical rush,i cant really understand people who dont make the most of it its like this increadible love drug thats free and makes you grin like an idiot and want to hug the person next to you but without the harmful side effects such as cooking the insides of your brain or making you want to listen to that awful technico rave music.