in an ideal world ...

deRanged

If the World was Fair ...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the **** and a "Cheers for the sex - now **** off" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.

6. Dale Winton and the makers of that awful 'Hey what about your garlic breath'. 'Doesn't matter I've got double mint' advert would be tied to a slab of cement and pushed off the Tyne bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

7. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

8. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

9. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

10. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

11. When the Police pull you over, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's 20.00 off".

12. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

13. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

14. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

15. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

16. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

17. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

18. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

19. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

20. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again ?" cards.

21. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

22. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

23. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

24. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and 2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

25. Saying "Lets have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response. "What a great idea!!".

26. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

27. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.

28. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

29. Along with your milk in the morning the milkman would deliver two Swedish milk maids.

30. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone

Wyverne

lol, brilliant.
hehe,
i really wouldn't mind the jail-free cards

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This is Commander in chief of the USS Esses, signing off.