What to do now???

LegacyUser

I thought I throw out my own major problem/crisis into cyberspace for comments, feelings, etc. I am actually from Boston, and met my wife there who is from Dublin. Things went along great for 2 years so we decided to get married. Well, life started to get tough then, as we both had/have our different ways of doing things. I come from an Italian-German background and a close family, smothering mom. And, my wife came from a large family whose mom "ran" the house, and made it her top priority to get the kids through college to be doctors/dentists/architiects, and not be dependent on men, fair enough to a point. Different methodoligies, different views.

Then we had our first child in Boston. No surprises here. But, my wife, who I'll call Nora, for discussion here, really wanted then to move back to Ireland for various reasons. One of them is that she felt stifled in her relationship with me, and others were reaons like schools in America are terrible and the guns and so on. In some ways I can understand why she felt the desire to go back to be near her family.

So, we talked about it. I had been to Ireland several times then, and from I saw on holidays it seemed relaxed, fun, but there were some things that didn't sit well with me either.

Eventually, just prior to finishing my degree at night, we both came over to do interviews. I thought with my degree in software/electronics would make me a certain candidate. But the interviews one in Dublin and several in Cork didn't bode well. So, I returned back to Boston, and Nora stayed on to spend some time with her family.

More to follow if anyone is interested.

Beruthiel

How long did you spend here doing interviews?

I was out of work last year for 6 weeks, I must have done at least 15/20 interviews, constantly looking for new one's each day, you cannot give up that easily, one interview in Dublin is nothing, you should stay here for at least a couple of months if you are serious about giving it a go. Have you joined a recruitment agency here? there are plenty to choose from, some are good, some crap.
tbh - I'm not sure your heart is 100% in it, you would prefer to stay in the US?

what was the stuff about Ireland that didn't sit well with you?
it is definately a slower pace of life to the US but I believe you would get used to that after some time living here. I understand where your wife is coming from, I would much prefer to bring my daughter up here. If in your heart you really want to stay with your wife, come back over and try again.

Borzoi

The other point on the job front would be that employers like to see commitment, especially from international workers. The worst thing you could have done was only be here ona temporary basis for interviews, that gives the sign that you are ready to go home at a moments notice.

The bad news is you need to come here get a house (rent or buy) get your child in school, and be looking for work. I really doubt that you'd be offered a job without that sort of obvious commitment to staying here.

As Beruthiel said you've have to do a lot of interviews, you've got two strikes against you, you not resident, and you've no contacts, hence, all things been equal, you'll be looking for a job for longer than the average person. So be prepared for a few months unmployment.

However, on the plus side, this place has a lot nicer woring environment than the states. And it's a grand country when the sun is shining, which isn't bloody often at the mo...,,

best o luck

LegacyUser

Ok, so here's more. I went back to Boston to work, and finish my evening degree (1 month left), and Nora stayed on in Dublin with our two kids. Unsure, about things. (please excuse the excessive use of 'things', for lack of better words right now). When, I was talking to Nora, from Boston one day at my work. We started to argue about how to proceed from this point. Well, to make this story reasonably short. She said, that she wasn't coming back to Boston, which shocked and hurt me greatly. After, some thought and talking with friends, I packed up our stuff into a container, quit my job and left Boston.

I have found work 3 months after I moved here in Sept 200, in Cork, but have alot of un-resolved issues about how things happened, and yes, I do miss Boston, because of the variety, up-beat style of living, and so on. It's a big tear in me because of the hurt/anger I feel towards Nora, and I love my children very much. I have been trying to make the best of it here, but I find it hard to integrate with people here, especially because I'm not into sports, golf, or horse-racing etc.

Shiminay

Without knowing the whole story of your relationship with Nora, I don't think I could be with someone who'd do that to me (the "I'm not coming back" bit). That seems downright selfish if you ask me - it's not like you demanded she move to Boston (you met her there already, so you never made a similar demand). Of course you're going to do what you can to be with your wife and kids who you love, but I'd be having serious words with her and talking a little bit about "give and take"

Beruthiel

I have found work 3 months after I moved here in Sept 200, in Cork, but have alot of un-resolved issues about how things happened

ok - so you are here in Ireland then. I'm not surprised you are upset, if Nora waited till she came back to Ireland before telling you she was staying. It was exceedingly selfish of her not to discuss this with you before she left Boston. Kharn is correct, I would be having serious words with her. I am seeing a french bloke at the moment, as he met me here, he well knows I ain't moving anywhere until my daughter is old enough to take care of herself, and then maybe I will move to France, we have discussed it and we both know where we stand.


I do miss Boston, because of the variety, up-beat style of living, and so on

of course you miss home, you always will, but you will feel it less the longer you are here and the more you get involved with life here. It won't happen overnight, you have to give it some time.

It's a big tear in me because of the hurt/anger I feel towards Nora, and I love my children very much

I understand where you're coming from, I would never be able to live without my daughter and if my b/f expected me to, I'd dump him like a hot potatoe, NO ONE who says they love you would put you in that position.

I have been trying to make the best of it here, but I find it hard to integrate with people here, especially because I'm not into sports, golf, or horse-racing etc.

once again, give it time, go for a drink with the lads from work, come out to our next board.ie piss up. Keep trying and don't give up, the fact that you are probably a bit depressed with the whole situation doesn't help when you are trying to make new friends, it's hard to smile and put on a jolly face.