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jobs.com - the right job for you?

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  • 15-03-2000 4:31pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 16,413 ✭✭✭✭


    (was from linux social list)


    Bull****ter (3 month contract)
    Bull****ter required. You will have at least three years experience
    of doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a
    Unix environment. Skills to include bull****, ideally to politician
    level, and waffle in a technical capacity.
    **** -covering skills will be an advantage. CBE (Certified Bull****
    Engineer) qualification essential.


    Liar (6 month contract)
    You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must
    be able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from
    Oxford
    or Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not
    actually exist. You will also be required to make up stories or
    explanations on
    the hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably.
    Ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing "colour" to the
    successful applicant's statements.


    Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement) [0]
    Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities: (1) a
    stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard (2) fashion taste which
    stopped somewhere in the mid-60's, (3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone
    else, or (4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks.
    The ideal applicant will also have an American accent. Unix experience
    not essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.

    Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
    Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least
    six pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling
    a minimum of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim
    involvement with hobbies which nobody in their right mind could
    possibly fit into a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping
    or eating. The successful applicant will have no real skills in any
    category whatsoever, but candidates will be considered providing they
    do not know anything about C++ programming or Project Management.

    Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)
    Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate
    their ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful
    candidate will be asked to break something during the interview,
    preferably in a way which the interviewer will never have thought
    possible or remotely likely.


    E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)
    Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant
    will have no experience of any of the following: commerce,
    computers, the internet, good taste. A lack of design skills
    and a fixation with style over content will also be important.
    You should have current experience in gross over-charging and
    hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of other
    opinionated irritating w*nkers, constructing a series of web-pages with
    as many 'broken links' and loose ends as time and money allow.


    Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
    Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer
    support
    and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be
    used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled
    with complete lack of awareness regarding **** -covering.
    You will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will
    travel from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the
    loose ends to ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.


    Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
    Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East of
    Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months coffee
    machine, three months photocopying and general administration and a
    minimum of one year "between assignments".


    Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.
    Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstand is
    provided for suitable applicants.

    Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses sought to assist
    busy, interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless. A bad memory
    and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.


    Noxious beancounter required.
    Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial
    numbers and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a
    requirement, but an interest in trainspotting is essential.




Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 232 ✭✭Gamblor


    That sounds like most of the crowd i work with ... and i'm the Head of Chair warming !!!

    Even WWM is included in this !!!

    ***** Feel my Evil Neon Claws *****


  • Registered Users Posts: 20,099 ✭✭✭✭WhiteWashMan


    i must be the scapegoat am i?


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,265 ✭✭✭MiCr0


    E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)
    Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant
    will have no experience of any of the following: commerce,
    computers, the internet, good taste. A lack of design skills
    and a fixation with style over content will also be important.
    You should have current experience in gross over-charging and
    hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of other
    opinionated irritating w*nkers, constructing a series of web-pages with
    as many 'broken links' and loose ends as time and money allow
    hey thats my job description
    how did u get it?



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