I kinda miss being on the phones....

amp

>Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
> Customer: "OK."
> Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
> Customer: "No."
> Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
> Customer: "No."
> Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
> point?"
> Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At
> this
> point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech
> support
> staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I
> got
> back to the call.)
> Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
> Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
> _____________________________
>
>

---

> One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries
> in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the
> manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn
> thing,
> and I'm not going to read the book."
>
>

---

> Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting
> the same error message."
> Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
> Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
>

---

> Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
> Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
> Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
> Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
> Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
> Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
> Customer: "What?"
> Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
> Customer "No..."
>

---

> Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
> the 'OK' button displayed?"
> Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
>

---

> Customer: "Huh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
> Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
> Customer: "I can't open the box."
> Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
> from
> there."
> Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."
>

---

> Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a
> fairly
> old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or
> file
> name'."
>
> Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:/ and
> type 'dir'."
> Customer: reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech
> Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
>
> Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
> Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it can't help
> but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the
> Enter key?"
>
> Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad
> command or file name'."
> Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
> I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?" Customer: "Well,
> yeah.
> Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?
>
>

---

> At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They
> give
> the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's
> asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I
> can't get on the network." Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset
> number
> so we can open an outage."
>
> Customer: "What is that?"
> Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
> Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar ..."
>

---

> And the best for last!!!!
> Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk,
> and now
> my A: drive won't work."
> Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
> Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my
> drive, now it won't work at all."
> Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages
> did
> you get?"
> Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive
> and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out.
>
> That didn't work either."
> Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
> Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
> wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit." Tech
> Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
>
> Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and
> used a
> turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and
> that got
> it loose.
> Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would
> send
> me a disk that was broken and defective."
> Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:
> drive
> and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on
> the
> speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in. Tech Support:
> "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just
> said?"
>
> Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy
> disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
> Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
> the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
> button?"
>
> Silence.
> Tech Support: "Sir?"
> Customer: "Yes."
> Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
> Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
> going to
> sue you for breaking my computer!"
> Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company
> because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions
> we
> sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your
> user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to
> pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer:
> "Ummmm."
>
> Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do
> record every call and have it on tape?"
> Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
> Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
> Have
> a nice day."
>
>

---

Lunacy Abounds! Play GLminesweeper!

bubbles

ROFL OMG WOW !!!!!

I don't think theres anything much that can be added to that. Altho I might apply for a tech support job just to get some laughs.

Stephen

It must get pretty annoying talking to all those gobsh!tes

hehehe... butter in the A drive
I know someone who managed to put butter in their CD Rom... it was replaced free of charge

---

- Munch
- Visit The Fortress

Asuka

Heh
Nice one

Even nicer since the one where the idiot uses the cdrom drive for a coffee mug holder isnt there - i think every tech support person in existance claims that they got that call

Theres a good one that goes on for ages tho and ends up with the revalation that theres a power cut, which is quite good

A

Baz_

That was the funniest post I've read in a while although I haven't been on for a while either, so work that one out. Okay I'm really tempted to get a tech support job also sounds like fun.
Good stuff altogether.

---

bye for now
Baz

Blitzkrieger

Tech support aren't flawless either. I once had to ring the esat line cos their crappy cd wouldn't install no limmits properly - I needed the number, username and password to do it manually.

For some reason the support guy wouldn't even talk to me before asking a few questions. Those support lines cost money and I had only 3 quick questions to ask, but the guy wouldn't let me ask them!

Me : The auto installer on the CD keeps crashing so I need the...
Tech support: Okay sir, we just need a few bits of information off you. What's the name plese.
Me : **** * *****
Tech support: could you spell that please sir?
Me : *-*-*-*-*
Tech support: And your address?
Me : (knowing superflous info when I give it and slightly ****ed off) ***** ***** ***** ****
Tech support: could you spell that please?
Me : *-*-*-*-*-*
Tech support: Your phone number?
Me : *******
Tech support: Now what make is your PC?

At this point I knew he was actually asking for the spec of my PC but I was so ****ed off I thought I'd make his life that bit more difficult.

Me : Dell
Tech support: No sir that's not what I meant
Me : (trying not to giggle) Oh right - It's actually made by a Limerick company under license from Dell
Tech support: No sir that's not it either. I....
Me : (smiling from ear to ear) Intel?
Tech support: No sir.....
Me : Microsoft?
Tech support: No....
Me : Hang on a minute I'll go check

At this point I put down the phone left the room and laughed my ass off. When I came back I rattled off the spec really quicky - I think the guy realised i was jerking his chain cos he sounded ****ed for the rest of the call.

Me : P2-233, 160MB SDRAM, 56kWinModem......
Tech support: (peeved) Okay. ...

He went on to ask about my OS, if I have any "special" software (think he meant porn ) and god knows what else. It took me almost 20 min to get the answers to 3 quick questions.

WhiteWashMan

if you know your stuff tech support is a blast, otherwise its gonna be hell
i loved tech support, but te hours were crap and so was the pay.
hey, just ask dead-0-santa. im sure he'll be posting at 4 in the morning while hes in work

---

Your Imps Demand cable....

TwoShedsJackson

judging by some of the moods you were in, i certainly wouldnt have thought you loved Tech Support - more hated it

WhiteWashMan

thats only coz i was p1ssed off at having to come home at 8 in the morning to your ugly mug my dear

---

Your Imps Demand cable....

TwoShedsJackson

well you can fu<k off next time you fancy a shag my dear

WhiteWashMan

but i like your ugly mug
youre just raging coz i dont have time to give you a blow job before work anymore

Asuka

what happened to 'your dungeon is full of yoghurt' ?
Bored of it already?


And is it actually a p1sstake of DK or DK2 ? (90% sure it is, but if there are any other games out there in that genre, i want to know! )

WhiteWashMan

dk2

---

Your Imps Demand cable....

amp

christ what have I done! DON'T GO INTO TELEPHONE TECH SUPPORT!!! IT'S THE MACDONALDS OF THE COMPUTER INDUSTRY!!!

---

Lunacy Abounds! Play GLminesweeper!

WhiteWashMan

funny that....
you get the sack from mcdonalds....
you get the sack.. ahh forget it

---

Your Imps Demand cable....

WhiteWashMan

is this any better?

---

You Can Now Control Horney
But Use Him Wisely.....

Hecate

Sometimes it pays to lie:

Customer : I just found pornography on my husband's computer.

Tech : ummmm...

Customer : We're connected to the internet, does that kind of stuff sometimes appear on its own?

Tech : (realising there may be a marriage at stake) welll..yeah, um, sometimes that can happen, you never know with the internet.

Customer : Thanks I'll delete it now.

SantaHoe

Yip, the hours are ©rap, the money is a joke, the customers are absolute idiots.
The only things that get me by are:
[1] Playing games on the test machines.
[2] Taking the píss out of the customers.
[3] Putting people on hold for no reason.
[4] Screwing up the test machines by renaming "My Computer" and "Recycle Bin"...
Changing the desktop wallpaper to a picture of an error message (gets them every time).
And my latest one, where I display a javascript dialogbox asking them are they sure they wany to remove IE4, repeating over and over
Man I just laugh my @SS off when some new guy comes over and tries to click on it!

Asuka

Ha very amusing wwman

isnt renaming the recycle bin just a little bit difficult to on every puter? You have to change it in the registry. If youre good you could try changing the icon as well.

Heh theres some file you can get (i cant remember where) that, whenever you do anything, instead of displaying average messgaes it first displays this box with a status bar and a message - 'Now formatting your hard disk'

Ive seen ppl go nuts and start to panic when they see it

SantaHoe

Well it just so happens that I'm a dab-hand at using regedit

Another good one is hiding the taskbar at the top of the screen and then using the monitors' controls to strech the screen just enough so that you can't see the squashed taskbar
But then that's where the Windows key (or ALT+ESC) comes in, but most people won't get it for a few minutes...

WhiteWashMan

and for today....

---

One of Your Imps Does A Great Impression Of You
He Can Even Do The Ears....

Asuka

WWman i have the DK Gold cpoy of DK with all the extras like DK system wavs... you want them?
I could mail them to you if you like

amp

So I know what I'm talking about Eamo

---

Lunacy Abounds! Play GLminesweeper!

Wyverne

very funny amp, i recall something a few months ago by monty, still t'was funny to see it again

cheers,

_CreeD_

My favourite was a secretary who rang a girl in my group. She just said that 'Windows wasn't there anymore', which went to The screensaver being on and not letting her back in. After a bit of rangling she was asked to check that the keyboard was plugged into the PC. To which she said that she didn't have a PC....Just windows.
Conversation slows, words start practically getting spelled and the Tech bravely tries again...and again....and again.
The long and the short of it was that the secretary didn't have a PC, just a rather large radiator, that didn't even give off too much heat, with a Gateway P5-75 lable stuck on the front....

Or the doctor I had on for over 45 mins who couldn't write protect a floppy disk. I went from understanding to ****ed off to laughing my head off and asking her to find a 'Professional' to do it for her. She called back an hour later all happy as Larry because the nice guy at the local PC store had done it for her......I wouldn't mind but she was one of those 'Everything is your fault' folks.

And last, but not least.... If you've ever seen one of the old BAT full towers Gateway used to sell, you'll know the cover was a pain to get off. One of the senior-techs when I started took over a call to get this guy to reseat his IDE cable. The cust put him on speaker phone, and could be heard complaining and pulling at the thing, until eventually a pretty loud screeching was heard
as the case finally came off. But there was silence on the end of the phone. The Tech kept saying hello and so on but no reply, so he eventually hung up figuring the guy would call back when his phone was back up. The next day he got a call from someone else in the office. The guy was on the 2nd floor, with the PC on his desk, with his back to an open window. The case flew off and he tumbled back out the window amd broke his leg...... Ah, sweet revenge.....


Get a job in Tech Support if you want what little respect for humanity as a higher lifeform you have to disappear.....


Ps. Santa, the taskbar trick is more fun if you do a screen capture, set it as the wallpaper and get rid of the real icons aswell...

[This message has been edited by _CreeD_ (edited 27-02-2000).]

WhiteWashMan

nice one asuka, id appreciate that muchly
cheers
apart from the yoghurt one, this is my favourite...

---

Your Dungeon Is On An Incline.
Irate Creatures Cannot Play Marbles.....

Monty - the one and only

I used to be a techy at one point, still miss it though


The funnyist call i ever attened to was some1 tried to remove a paper jam with a letter opener by trying to hack it top pieces
(the paper jam)...


She destroyed the printer in the process
It had to be replaced and it was taken out of her salery(she had done this before, we tolder not to touch it if it ever jammed again)

Lucutus

I never worked tech support (Thank God!), but I did work in a technical software engineering dept. for a large OEM. (nameless, of course )

The one I loved best was putting a little reboot.exe in someones Startup menu, they boot, system reboots, system reboots, system reboots, system reboots, system reboots, they finally suss out to use a boot disk or something and remove the file...

...then it got REALLY good, when I renamed the exe to something practically invisible (sys32.exe) and buried it in the winX folder, using the registry and the run key there to point to it. Of course a little experience and safe mode alway got them out of it....eventually.

Oh the fun and joy...

---

Lucutus of Borg



[This message has been edited by Lucutus (edited 28-02-2000).]

Paladin

Heh.
Boot some newbie up in DOS only and watch em tremble.

DeVore

The worst I have seen with my own eyes was in Quinnsworth (all the worst stories come from Quinnsworth).

We sent this guy in Sandyford 6 5.25 floppy disk with PRECISE instructions as to what to do and type. Well... we thought they were precise.

He rings me up (quite annoyed with me) and proceeds tell me that he cant fit the 6th disk in.

Confused I start to ask him questions. Finally I put him on hold so I laugh out loud and breath again.

The guy has put the first disk into the 5.25 drive, type in the instructions and because the instructions simply said "put next disk in drive" he did exactly that. We didnt say TAKE THE FIRST ONE OUT YOU MUPPET. So he didnt.

After 2 more (by their edges) the enterprising muppet puts 2 more in by their *corners* into the 3.5 drive (dont ask why we didnt use 3.5 disks in the first place. Quinnsworth was not a place that would appreciate logic like that).

Finally (after many lines of commands, all followed by errors like "CLOSE THE ****ING DRIVE DOOR") he cant find anywhere to put the 6th and final disk. I had some suggestion as to where he could put it but my supervisor wouldnt let me say it


DeV.

Blitzkrieger

rotfflflmfao

Paladin

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup
files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
command.
Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let
me know how it goes.
Ten minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
One hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

Hobbes

Originally posted by Paladin:
Heh.
Boot some newbie up in DOS only and watch em tremble.

forget newbies, try it on some of the people collages are throwing out. I know someone who spends 2 hours doing manually what a couple of DOS commands would automate it for him to do nothing, just fear is stopping him.

In other news, I get called around to an irate person in work today saying they can't access thier external SCSI drive. After asking "have you done this... etc" and being told over and over they checked everything over and over, they failed to mention that they plugged the output lead of the drive into the other SCSI port instead of the frickin PC. WTF was it supposed to do? telepathy with the disk?

Vorosha

Whoever wrote that first thing that Amp posted is, agh, I dunno. Whatever way it's writen it's highly annoying. I dunno what it is about it... irratated me. Anyone else find this? The stories were fine but for some reason... whatever way... anyone?

deRanged

was teaching pascal to some arts students once. they'd written a program to access a file from disk. this girly called me over to debug her prog for her. it couldn't read the file from the disk. I looked at the prog and couldn't see any errors. spent ages looking at it and got no further. asked the girl if she was sure the file was on her disk. she was. eventually I asked to see the disk the file was on. she opened up her bag and took it out .....

Illkillya

I found loads of these printed out on the comp table, but couldn't find corresponding text file, so i had to type out some of the good ones:

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the techician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response: "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The foot pedal turned out to be the mouse.


Caller: "Hello, is this tech support?"
Tech: "Yes it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, did you say cup holder?
Caller: "Yes, its attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if i seem a bit stumped, its because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

Customer: "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And thats the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Customer: "I'd like a mousemat please"
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

Wyverne