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how to tell your parents you're gay

  • 14-06-2002 11:42am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    I'm going to tell the folks soon and am wondering how to go about it. I think they're going to be quite shocked that their only son and builder of the family empire likes men.

    I haven't actually told more than 4 other people I'm gay because I wanted my folks to know first besides finding out from others.

    I'm kind of in a conflict here since I really respect their opinion but theres probably going to be come troubel over this. My fathers way too conservative for one.


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,638 bombidol


    If i was gay, personally i wouldnt tall em straight out, id just continue on, my uncle done it for a while and we all just figured it out, he never told anyone but we all know, its not a big enough deal for anyone to give a crap about in my family, we all slag him and stuff, lightheartedly of course, but when your oul one and oul lad start realising that you havent had a girlfriend in years and you wear tight tshirts they should wake up.

    my 2 cents anyway


    bomb


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 213 ✭✭ govinda


    I came out to my mother (folks separated) after about 10 years of knowing I was gay, and a long time after I'd come out to my friends. It was, without doubt, the most nerve-wracking thing I've ever done in my life. (Not that you don't know this yourself already, I'm just saying that so you know where I'm coming from!)

    At the end of the day, there is no other way to say it but to just state the fact. You're still the same person you were before you told them, but it will probably take them a while to accept that.

    I understand the fear of coming out, but I really don't think I would have done it if I hadn't been pretty sure of my mothers accepting reaction. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you should be sure that some good will come of telling them, especially if they're conservative. Good luck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    my mate told his parents and they took it very badly.
    they were very dissapointted. the father didn't speak to him for months. the mother was very upset at first, but now, i think nearly a year later no-one cares and everything is fine, the boyfriend even comes over to stay!

    basically what i'm saying is don't worry if, when you do tell them they are weird about it, it takes a little time. it can come as quite a shock to them, every parent wants grankids, and it can be dissapointing to have a son who probably won't have any. also, even in this day and age homosexuality is frowned upon.

    i hope everything goes ok for you, i think you're making the right decision.
    good luck,
    Kirn


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 528 kirn


    oops, didn't log in there...:rolleyes:


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,408 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Beruthiel


    every parent wants grankids,

    You know, that's so not true, I have a daughter, she already knows I couldn't give a toss what she is or if she ever has kids, she knows all I require for her is that she is happy in whatever she does in life.
    What makes you think your parents will freak? Have they spoken to you about what you want from life?
    I really think that all most parents want is for their kids to be happy.
    Perhaps, if you are unsure, why don't you start with a simple question, ask them if they have requirements for you, are there things they expect from you... see what they say... you will probably have to take this slowly.. work up to it so to speak.

    Best of luck with it.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,472 elexes


    i wish you good luck

    dont worry they might take it as a shock but who knows they might even have a suspicion about it . i know one of my mates told his partents about it the only thing they want is for him not to be all hidden and distant from them because of it


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 224 ✭✭ SYL


    On a general note, I think you should tell them solo. Don't go marching some bloke in saying "mum, dad, this is <insert name here>, my boyfriend". Thats a bit like rubbing their face in it.

    But hey, you know your parents mate, so I guess you'll know how they react.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    bombidol: i've been keeping this fact to myself for too long, its being dishonest and its been tearing me up for too long. As for tight t-shirts, heh.

    Merc: I think leaving evidence around is a lame way of doing it. I'll be direct I think.

    Beruthiel: my folks want grankids alright.

    SYL: Heh, introducing a boyfriend to them as a way of telling them. I'd really want a camera to take their reactions. Some priceless Master Card moment.

    Protection: 5 Euro
    Disposable Camera with Flash: 15 euro
    Reaction to parents when you intro your boyfriend: Priceless

    I think I'll tell my mother first and then see how we go from there.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,500 Mercury_Tilt


    This post has been deleted.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,408 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Beruthiel


    Beruthiel: my folks want grankids alright

    that is something I can understand in parents I guess, it's perfectly ok for them to imagine how it could be, but they have no right to expect it, what you do with your life is you business, not everyone wants to go down the road of parenthood and it shouldn't be expected from them. The only way you will ever be happy is if you live your own life - you can be surprised what you can teach your parents to accept.


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  • Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 24,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭ BuffyBot


    Personally, yeah, its good to tell them. If you feel you are not going to be happy until they know, well there is only one way to go.

    Yes, most parents want grandchildren. It's built in, they expect it.

    They will be afraid of "what the neighbours think". Just tell them that you'll be discrete

    They will also have a lot of preconceptions and misconceptions about what being gay is, and the gay lifestyle is. Try to clear them up as best you can.

    Don't expect acceptance overnight. Give them time to get accustomed to the idea.

    I know there is more stuff I could write, but it's late and I'm knackered. Feel free to PM me for advice or a chat or whatever


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,745 swiss


    Oh dear. This is a toughie alright. I remember when I came out to my ma just over a year ago. I told her straight out (excuse the pun) as we were eating dinner. The poor woman looked as if I just smacked her in the face. Since then I haven't told any other family member, and although it does create a little awkwardness at conversation that includes references to my love life, I can field most questions with a reasonable amount of skill bourne from experience.

    Not that this helps you, mind. I would advise you to try to approach them at a time in which they are quite settled and calm. Do NOT tell them if you are angry - you will regret it. Theres no point sugar coating the truth, you will have to tell them straight out. Stick to your guns if they rubbish you, and remember they are still your parents and they will support you no matter what.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,648 smiles


    Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt


    My reply was too long. And you have no email.

    Well my email is [email protected] if you've got that reply.

    and you've been banned for a few days - i just spent ages trying to get the spam you generated deleted.

    yes, it's funny sometimes but not always.

    << Fio >>


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    Thanks all.

    Well I've just told my mother. She was quite upset, crying and all that. But she took it well, she was just worried about me getting aids (i just love the stereotypes) and me getting hurt by others either by calling me names or beating me up.

    My father is back tomorrow evening and I'll be telling him then. Be interesting to see the man cry, if he reacts that way. God I need a drink after that. If anyone even suggests a daiquiri ....


  • Registered Users Posts: 35,524 ✭✭✭✭ Gordon


    Congratulations!
    Good luck with your father. Let us know what happens tomorrow if you can.

    (I suggest a pink gin ;))


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,563 leeroybrown


    Mothers are one thing but they always seem to get over things like that.

    Fathers on the other hand might have to swallow a fair bit of masculine pride to stomach it. I'm just glad I'll never have to break that one to my father.


  • Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 24,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭ BuffyBot


    I know my mother was shocked, and disturbed and a bit upset. She's gotten over it with time, and while it's not Sunday dinner table talk, at least it's done.

    My dad knew, but naturally, never discussed or acknowledged it. I didn't expect him to either - but I know he still loved me as a son - and still cared, despite not "turning out" as he expected.

    I could ask for nothing more :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,263 Caesar_Bojangle


    dont come out till you are a 100% positive that you are gay as my mate came out to his parents then realised he was bi-sexual and he had a hard time getting them to believe otherwise.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    "Dad, I have something serious to tell you"

    "Oh, whats wrong ?"

    "I'm Gay"

    "Is that it ? So ? "

    "Well it is shocking."

    "Not to me son, whatever makes you happy. You're still my son and I'll always love you. I was actually wondering when you'd tell me "

    Now that was a shock ! He reacted very well to it, thank god. Well both parents told. I'm happy now, if still a bit shaky.

    Now for everything else. Eeek, never even gone out with a guy. I'm just as nervous, heh.

    Thanks everyone. This forum really does add to the value of boards.ie


  • Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 24,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭ BuffyBot


    Glad to hear it went ok :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,447 ✭✭✭✭ amp


    Plyd


  • Registered Users Posts: 35,524 ✭✭✭✭ Gordon


    That's just great news mate, well done. :)

    Don't worry about your dates with guys now, just enjoy them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 68,333 ✭✭✭✭ seamus


    Fair Play. I'd say that'll probably sit in the top 5 of hardest things to ever have to do. Your Dad took it very well. I've noticed men seem far better at spotting gay men than women are, which is probably how your dad kind of knew. Again Plyd. Bet that feels much better now they know?


  • Registered Users Posts: 20,099 WhiteWashMan


    i would make a 'yer ghey' comment, but its probably not appropriate.

    i think the most wonderful thing is the way people can surprise you sometimes. my girlfriend comes put with little gems of understnading that astound me sometimes and it just makes you realise how wonderful they are.
    im sure you have a new respect and veiw of your parents now youve told them.

    well done. plyd. gg. tbh.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,680 ✭✭✭ tHE vAGGABOND


    Yea congrats!


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,408 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Beruthiel


    I'm delighted for you!


  • Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 24,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭ BuffyBot


    Yeah, meant to say that too - don't worry about the other stuff, that'll all happen. Just relax now and appreciate the time you have with this huge wieght off your shoulders :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 213 ✭✭ govinda


    Fair play to you, I'm so glad it went well. Is such a relief to have it over and done with - now you can start living your life. Best of luck to you! :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,275 Shinji


    Well done fella. That's a really tough thing to do, but I'm sure you'll find that having done it, you'll feel much better and more confident about yourself. Having to bottle up your feelings and pretend to be someone you really aren't in front of your parents of all people is a terrible thing.

    As for the other stuff, don't be nervous - it's not like you need to rush it. Just do what feels right and natural to you, follow your own instincts to a degree, and see how it goes. If you've had the courage to tell your folks about this, then you're obviously fairly well grounded and sorted out anyway - so just have faith in yourself and live your own life.

    And remember: pink gin is always nicer than daquiri ;)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,745 swiss


    Great to hear that your Da took it well. This is an excellent basis to start letting the rest of your friends know, but be advised that some people will react differently than you expect. You might be a little tempted now to go outside and tell everybody straight away I'd just advise you to be a little cautious.
    If you've had the courage to tell your folks about this, then you're obviously fairly well grounded and sorted out anyway - so just have faith in yourself and live your own life.
    I second this. Don't feel that you have to get suckered into anything you may feel uncomfortable with. You have control over who has what information, now that you have the support of your closest relatives and peers. Best of luck for the future.


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