bullies

LegacyUser

As far as i can rememer i've always been bullied. Since i started national school i always attracted the bully. I am big in build and i seem to attract mainly mental abuse, which to me is alot worst. I wish it was pysical cos i'd be able to fight back. It was the same when i started to work this time the abuse was from b****es. And even on this broad i've incountered abuse.

I start a new job soon, Am i destined to live a life where i will fall victim to the bully?

edit - word censored

yellum

Why do you let yourself be bullied ? I used to be slightly bullied when I was a kid but my attitude changed and I didn't take **** from people anymore and they left me alone.

I have little time for grownup people that let themselves be bullied constantly. It greatly upsets me but I found standing up to the bullies of other people won't matter a damn if the victim does nothing.

The oft used phrase "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me " comes to mind.

Stand up for yourself.

DeVore

I got bullied a fair bit in school until I started to "fight" back.
I found I had a sharp tongue and a quick put-down and I could use them to attack back (I had beaten the **** out of one guy earlier in my school life and one more fight and I'd be expelled, so violence wasnt an option).

If you are getting bullied at work, dont let it happen. You are the one who is letting yourself be picked on. You can do one of two things, you can either take the high ground ie::
Next time they make some kind of sarky comment or whatever, blatantly walk up to them and in a *clear* calm determined voice say: "Excuse me, what exactly do you mean by that?" or if they are doing it in private (ie, you are being haragued by a manager or something), wait until they walk away and then call them back and say "I'm sorry but I dont think I can continue working under these conditions. I find your approach to be unprofessional and intolerable".

Or you can go on the all out offensive (my personal favourite because I can pull it off nicely )
Just lose the rag, completely. Have it rehearsed over and over if you need to but make sure you confront them and give 10 times what you'd been getting.
I had one manager who told me (after a 12 hour shift) that he wanted a bug debugged in a program (something that could wasily have waited till the next day, it was a 2 year project after all). He told me he wanted it done and he wanted it done NOW.
So I snapped back at him that he should do it himself.

Next day he called me into his office and started to tell me off and I totally lost it at him. I mean I went through him for a short cut.
Every time he thought I was done and would start to try and say "calm down calm down" I'd cut him off abruptly and launch into another tirade about what I thought of him.
This is a high risk approach but it SURE does feel good!

Whatever you do , dont do anything because someone else told you to. Stand up for yourself and tell them where to go is my advice but you have to be happy in yourself. Are you going to spend your whole life being a victim?

DeV.

francie brady

What Yellum is trying to say is that you have to become a bully too. If you let them walk all over you you'll be bullied. so bully them back take no sh!t.

Kali

imo it all depends on how self-confident you are in yourself...a complete lack of will result in you being a bit more paranoid to what could very well be innocent remarks by co-workers/etc. and reading more into the remarks than was intended.

i used to get a bit of harrassment in school myself (i wouldn't have called it bullying), basically only in first and second year.. then i developed quite an acute sense of sarcasm and cynicism (which to join up with the above point gave me a lot more self-confidence) which just pissed them off, a simple "ehh yeah whatever" or if they're constantly on your back "have you ****in nothing better to do man", seemed to work wonders for me.. its all a matter of showing that they're not getting to you, and unfortunaly the only way to do that (apart from getting into fights) is to simply retaliate with a conversation deadening remark

again i can't emphasise enough the importance of self-confidence.. join a gym, start a new hobby, go for a run every second day.. basically do something, anything thats new and energizing, and you'll find yourself believing more in yourself, and the bullying will stop. its all down to you in the end.

hope this helps somewhat...maybe.

Kali

Originally posted by francie brady
What Yellum is trying to say is that you have to become a bully too. If you let them walk all over you you'll be bullied. so bully them back take no sh!t.

nah.. thats poor advice imo, especially if you have to work with the person day in day out, cos all that leads to is mutual hatred in my experience... and if it doesn't it will probably end up isolating you even further, and if its a small work enviroment you could well end up feeling less secure than before.

Caesar_Bojangle

If you resort to violence you'll prob lose your job, so try to build up you confidence and you will feel more agile for standing up to these dip$h**S and give back what you get.

If you took up some sort of self defense, you'd see your confidence build up as the weeks go by. I dont say this so you can kick the beans out of them.

When i took up kick boxing my confidence shot up knowing that i could handle myself physically, and i suddenly grew a sharp tongue not literally.

yellum

Originally posted by francie brady
What Yellum is trying to say is that you have to become a bully too.

No its not. Just don't take crap from people. I'd use Devores going over the top technique myself in a situation like that. If you haven't got a sharp tongue and quick wit just go postal on them. I doubt you'll lose your job, the employer wouldn't be too happy getting a lawsuit over a hostile work environment.

Caesar is right too, just lifting weights or doing some martial art will give you confidence to face your foes.

smiles

It is a lot about self confidence

But there sometimes isn't anything you can do, try to get out of bullying situations, a bit of verval abuse back at them may help build your confidence in the beginning but it's not a long term option.

Personally, i used to be bullied like crazy, got to the point where i was going silently crazy and my bestfriend basically dragged me to the principal and told him to sort it out.

It didn't stop there but it was a big step in confronting it. Biting back then helped me to be a bit more sure of myself, but since then i've learned that no matter what i look like i'm me and no one has the right to ridicule that, and that nothing they say really matters, your friends and family are the only people who can ever really affect you if you want them to, bullies are small minded bigots who have emotional hangups and problems in their heads they need to sort out.

Sometimes they do, a girl who bullied me all through primary school is friends with my best friend, which means i would spend a fair few lunch times during the past two years in her company - she is the ultimate hard-girl and as tough as nails. Wednesday was our last day at school, and at the sixth year party she came over to me very very drunk and kissed me several times and told me she loved me "I was an absolute bitch to you in primary and i'm sorry, i really am. I love you <insert several kisses>. I can see who you are now that you'll talk to everyone."

It's confidence, but it takes time and i wish you all the best.

<< Fio >>

rymus

I used to get bullied alot too, both in primary and early secondary school. Most of it stopped when I lost it one day and beat the hell out of one of them. I suppose they reckoned they could find an easier target (one that wouldnt fight back). No matter what tho you'll always get the people in groups that will give the odd stupid comment. Theyre will always be idiots no matter what age you are...

Raskolnikov

Originally posted by Unregistered
As far as i can rememer i've always been bullied. Since i started national school i always attracted the bully. I am big in build and i seem to attract mainly mental abuse, which to me is alot worst. I wish it was pysical cos i'd be able to fight back. It was the same when i started to work this time the abuse was from b****es. And even on this broad i've incountered abuse.

I start a new job soon, Am i destined to live a life where i will fall victim to the bully?

edit - word censored

Well i was always a quiet kid in my old secondry school so i must have looked an easy target for bullies. I got a lot of verbal abuse for awhile until one day i just completely flipped and lashed out at my would be harasser. I just lost my temper and kicked the crap out of the guy and had to be pulled off him. He got bust up pretty badly, i felt good and gained respect. For the rest of my years no one layed a finger on me.

I dunno if there is any advice i can give you, just don't sit back and take the abuse

Gordon

I'm so sad that when I was about 12 years old I was bullied by a girl! I only got out of the bullying by my sister! It was an annoying thing, we had physical fights in front of the whole school too! I subsequently left that school due to family movements and moved on to a different kind of situation.

The real crux of my bullying watershed (?) was a few years later when I moved school and decided that I would be happy with my own perspective on things and to hell with what others thought of me. A friend of mine was being bullied by guys that were a couple of years older than us. I was with him when some of this was happening to him and I took the stance of - it's my life, just don't be pushed around - kind of thing. So I lashed out with my voice when needed and ridiculed our protagonists. They called us bad names and put us down so I payed them the equilibrium and put them down and told them how stupid they looked. At that point - if they hurt me, I didn't care one bit - I said what I believed and felt true. I ridiculed our aggressors with my words and made them look stupid in front of their mates. But that's only because I realised that they were in the wrong and if I made them realise that (in my own way) then they would realise that they were wrong.

There is always a beautiful equilibrium in the world and if anyone breaks that equilibrium then they are susceptable to the antithesis of their action. If you can point out why they are wrong, in their own language, then they will take the time to listen to you in their language, as opposed to listening to you in the gobbledygook that they think you speak. Bullying, I think, is 50% language barrier. The other 50%... I wish I knew.

Gordon

As mentioned in the Personal Issues Links thread: here's some more reading on this matter, Unregistered;

Oasis (a government scheme) click here

Samaritans jo@samaritans.org or click here for their website.
(Anyone can email the Samaritans for a friendly ear [or eye I suppose it is with email]. I mailed them to ask a simple technical question which they replied to very quickly the next day [they go through 800 emails a week]. They answered concisely and at the end they asked "How are you personally? How are things going in your own life?". I was so touched by someone asking me that I nearly replied and spilled my heart out to them But then I saw my big pile of work building up )

I'll try and find some more links for you

azezil

I never really suffered much bullying growing up, in primary school if someone was abusive towards me I’d beat the shite outta em

In secondary school that wasn't an option cause of medical reasons so I became quick with the witty comebacks, I was renowned for my sarcasm, made one of SearrarDs neighbors cry once! Little shit had it coming, I was talking to SearrarD on the phone n I could hear the little shit behind him so I told SearrarD to put him on. About a minute later he's running home crying and hasn't abused me / us since

Self-confidence is a big part of it, if you can't respect yourself how can you expect others too? Learn to love yourself, be confident but humble, walk with authority, head high and back straight. Speak up in conversations; your viewpoint is just as valid as anyone else’s.

Caesar_Bojangle

I have never really been bullied so i dont know how it feels, you come across twats ( has two meanings) everyday. You just have to take a stance.

The one time i remember been remotely bullied was when i was the irish guy in the english school, some guy disliked the irish, so he decided to pick on me for a few weeks until i just lashed out at him and beat the crap out of him, the best bit was when i burst his lip and he couldnt talk right for a few weeks afterwards.

chernobyl

I was always bullied, junior grade, secondary school but this one fuker was vicious so i learned that game.
I went out with his super fine sister, screwed her and left her.

As for fights...i was actually bullied into fighting several times and strangely i won.
I ended up discovering i am a pretty cold and cruel person when pushed as normally i am very reserved.

Victor

Originally posted by yellum
Why do you let yourself be bullied ? I used to be slightly bullied when I was a kid but my attitude changed and I didn't take **** from people anymore and they left me alone.

All well and good until a dozen guys try to stuff you in an abandoned freezer.

Jacques Buffon

carry a gun or at the least a big stick.

mayhem#

Originally posted by DeVore
Next day he called me into his office and started to tell me off and I totally lost it at him. I mean I went through him for a short cut.
Every time he thought I was done and would start to try and say "calm down calm down" I'd cut him off abruptly and launch into another tirade about what I thought of him.
This is a high risk approach but it SURE does feel good!
DeV.

So tell us; did you still have a job to go back to after that ;-)?

kayos

Yep bullies are a nasty piece of work. I was bullied in primary school and some what in secondry school (till I smacked the guys head a of a wall ). The whole school thing is behind me now and to be honest it just left me with the "well I'm happy with mtself so feic off I dont care what you think" feeling.

But I have encountered bulling in the work place as well and to an extreme level. Now of all that has happened me in my life I think this has to amaze me most. Grown ppl having to put down others work just to make themselfs feel better.

I was working at one stage and one of the bosses had it in for me from the word go. He always put down my work and made personnel comments to me as well (I am dyslexic). The way I choise to deal with it was to go to my boss about the matter and made my feelings know (ie me or him who do you want to keep). This ended up nicely as I stayed .

Any way I agree with DeV on this one a well timed and planned outburst will sort a lot of things (did for me anyway) but becarefull to not do it too often or you will become the moaner and will get dropped.

Dont let bullying happen in the work place there are laws there for a reason use them. If a company is going to allow bullying to continue after you report it they are just as guilty as the bully for letting it happen. So just tell them its you or the other party and if they really want to keep th other person feic them up and leave its not the sort of place you should have to put up with.

kayos

bombidol

I was never bullied, Ive seen a lot of it and i understand it, I got slagged and so on in first year second year, but everyone does.
Its a rite of passage in school, but it doesnt have to carry over into your daily life, Theres really two options with this situation, if you get bullied, then stand up to them, from the moment you walk into that new job, put your game face on, be a new person, one somebody isnt goin to pick on Or the other option is to lose the weight you are getting picked on over, Thats the easiest option you have, take away their cause to slag you.

Bomb

kayos

Originally posted by bombidol
I was never bullied, Ive seen a lot of it and i understand it, I got slagged and so on in first year second year, but everyone does.
Its a rite of passage in school, but it doesnt have to carry over into your daily life, Theres really two options with this situation, if you get bullied, then stand up to them, from the moment you walk into that new job, put your game face on, be a new person, one somebody isnt goin to pick on Or the other option is to lose the weight you are getting picked on over, Thats the easiest option you have, take away their cause to slag you.

Bomb

Sorry bomb but the idea of having to lose weight (or whatever the case maybe) to stop ppl from bullying you is crazy. What have you just told him to do? Give in, admit defeat and justify what the bully's have been doing.

Every person has the right to live how they want without being subject to bullying over it. This person may have a gland problem that causes the weight what are they meant to do then??

kayos

bombidol

Thats just my advice on how to sort this out, personally id pull a freaker and start throwing punches, but not everyone is as violent as me, So if you want to avoid conflict and you dont want to bring up the subject of bullying with your oppressors, then just lose the weight and Boom problem sorted!

bomb

Chaos-Engine

Never let yourself be a victim... When i was younger in National school and at the beginning of secondary I attracted alot of bullies. They saw me as a typical victim(the glasses and the hate of footie and general clomzieness). This doesn't make you a victim. It merly makes you look like one. They had there go at me once. Then I would return the gesture .

No Mercy...

I have a code I live by. I have gained great respect from all. I am no bully but it is an excellent set of ethics to live by.

The code of a Gentlemen
Honour,
Trust,
Honesty,
Independence,
Confidence...

Never let anyone tread on you Honour. It they try you must defend it above all else. By force if neccessary but I haven't used it in over 5 years... Act Honourably and you will never be a victim....


PM me if you want to set about dropping the victim tag

Caesar_Bojangle

It also helps if your friend is the bully, thats the reason why i have never been bullied cos my mate was the bully people feared and $h*t themselves in his presence.

Mercury_Tilt

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Caesar_Bojangle

Sorry boys and gals

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Gordon

Ladies and Gentlemen here we have an augmented bullying situation, one person egging on another person. It is in fact the "Bully/Bully situation where one person won't let it lie.

And now we have the typical bully situation...

Stop it both of you or I'll delete your lunch money!

Stephen

Criticising someone's spelling when their post is still perfectly and easily understandable just shows you to be an utter anal retentive muppet, caesar_bojangle.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Gordon

Ye, you don't want to make the Admin come in and show us the bully/bully/bully/bully situation, that'd just be a mess!

Now Caesar and Merc, kiss and make up will ye! Caesar you wouldn't mind editing that post old chap, what, I didn't realise it was a spelling bee around here until Stephen pointed it out.

Caesar_Bojangle

Sorry girlfriend kick me to the kerb if you must.

I wasnt criticising his spelling (couldnt think of a come back), i just dont give my money to strangers without a fight unless i get something in return like sweets or a big chocolate bar with fishermans friends embedded in it.