Lord of the Rings

Yosemite Sam

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good. Met up with Hobbits.
Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really
annoying. Not King yet.

Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I
look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick
Gimli. Holding myself back. Still not King.

Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria.
Big Balrog. Not King today either.

Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking
mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he
would like me if I was King?

Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have
a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also,
hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me.
Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay! But still not King.

Day 32:
Orcs killed: none.
Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been
growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda
gay. Nope, not King.

Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely
in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very
definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP
Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed
to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but
took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this
movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.

The secret diary of Legolas

Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there.
Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to
throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold
ring tacky.

Day Four:
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield
like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras
but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we
climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the
Fellowship.

Day Six:
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly.
Am very afraid I am developing a tangle. Orcs so
silly. Still the prettiest.

Day Ten:
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am
developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as
Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

Day Eleven:
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than
me. Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was
wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly
bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored
fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to
ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not
one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why
would it start now?

Day 30:
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my
complexion. Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo
strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries
anything. Still the prettiest.

Day 33 :
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted
myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect
hair and a butt like granite.

Day 35:
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did
get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have
to get shot full of arrows around here to get any
action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me.
Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring
about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure
Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so
can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big
helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very
dark times.

The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor

Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all
superior. He thinks he's so great because he's
shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean
just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined
muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble
doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a
bit.

Day Three
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day Four
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn
made me give it back. Stupid Ring. Arrogant bastard.
Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right
up his...

Day Four:
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to
Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him if he tries
anything.

Day Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back
to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up
Caradhras." "Boromir,quit trying to cut off Frodo's
head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."
Blatant favoritism most annoying.

Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?

Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it,
actually. Hope am not turning into pervy
hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what
happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little
things, too... In other news, Gandalf died.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she
was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness.
Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble.
Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair.
Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we
take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he
did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.

Day 33 :
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let
me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with
him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him
till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little
cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:

Day One:
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long
nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble
bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.

Day Three
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight,
probably a bad move.

Day Four
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to
carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir
into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring
must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

Day Six:
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my
shirt. He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten:
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his
bow. Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring
too. It must truly be an object of awesome power.

Day Eleven:
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do.
Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show. Wonder
if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v.
peculiar.

Day 24 :
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for
Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing
lately. Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see
pointy hat go.

Day 27 :
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered
her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's
something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo
Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my
breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since
she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches
shortage in Lothlorien.

Day 30 :
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin
offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such
v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them.
Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

Day 33 :
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely
certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a
little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite
huge.

Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to
Mordor. Sam coming too. Am sad to leave rest of
Company though, as found myself quite fancying the
idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet
quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked
me anyway.