the mailman

ayatollah

One day, a man and his daughter were walking down the street when they see a dog lying on the ground with its feet up in the air. The dog was obviously dead. The little girl turned to her father and asked what was wrong with the dog. Her father replied, "The dog is dead, his feet are up in the air so that the good Lord can come down and take the dog to heaven."

The next day when the dad came home from work, his daughter came running up to him and told him that Mommy had almost died! To this he replied, "How do you know that sweetie?"

She said, "Well, she was laying on the couch with her legs up in the air screaming 'Oh Lord, I'm coming' and if it weren't for the mailman the Lord would have come and took her up to heaven!"

ayatollah

Here are the seven most favorite men in women's lives, and why:

1. A doctor: he asks you to take your clothes off

2. A dentist: he asks you to open wide

3. An interior decorator: he knows once it's in a while you'll like it

4. A banker: he knows if he pulls out too soon you'll loose interest

5. The milkman: he asks you if you want it in the front or the back

6. A hair stylist: he asks if you want it teased or blown

7. A hunter: he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and eats what he shoots

ayatollah

Shortly after a new police commissioner took office, the local "house of pleasure" was raided and the girls were lined up outside for questioning and transport to the Police Station.

A little old lady chanced to walk by while this was happening, and noticing the "line-up" asked what was happening. As a joke, one of the 'chicks' told her they were standing in line for free lollipops.

A few minutes later, a constable approached the elderly woman and asked, "Aren't you a little bit old for this?"

"Officer," she softly replied with a sweet smile, "as long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them."

ayatollah

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.
"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!"

ayatollah

i like this one:-


A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

ayatollah

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya
doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes
with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts
screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like
you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

ayatollah

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.

"The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married."

W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend."

W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s."

ayatollah

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh."
"She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''

Pugsley

ROFL,loads of 1st class laughs there

Lump

They are all class, but that last one is ****ing great


John