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George Carlin quotes:

  • 15-02-2002 7:05pm
    #1
    Xterminator
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,782 ✭✭✭


    >
    > 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
    > 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
    > 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    > 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
    and apes?
    > 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
    bad girls live.
    > 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
    self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
    purpose.
    > 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
    > 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    > 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
    is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
    > 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
    it considered a hostage situation?
    > 11. Is there another word for synonym?
    > 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    > 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all" ?
    > 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
    plant?
    > 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    > 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    > 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
    clean them?
    > 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
    > 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
    > 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
    > 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
    remain silent?
    > 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
    > 23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
    > 24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
    > 25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    > 26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    > 27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
    > 28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
    > 29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
    > 31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
    > 32. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
    > 33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
    > 34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp"; to have an "S" in it?
    > 35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
    > 36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
    > 37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
    > 38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
    crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
    > 39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    X


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