Fr Ted

Zoot

Quotes, for those who have the time...

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Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that
Time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !

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John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.

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Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!

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DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us, except its a big jam made out of old women.

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POLICEMAN- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in the cells
TED- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them, and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a better option
POLICEMAN- (Nods his head)
DOUGAL- Ted....
TED- Shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- No Ted....
TED- I told you to shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- I was just going to say that....
TED- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money) Here's your blood money.But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when the police of thiscountry were friends of the church! Drink driving charges quashed, parkingtickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder! But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking Dougal) Ted Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet! Well i did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people. Thank youso much.
DOUGAL- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was just going to say that your that your fly is open.

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DOUGAL- Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.
POLICEMAN- Do you know where you are? Your in a police station.
DOUGAL- Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken.

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DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphinalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.

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DOUGAL- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.

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Ted: Dougal, have we any incense?
Dougal: Em...there was a spider in the bath...

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Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

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Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

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Ted : I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack : SACRIFICE? ARSE!

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Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?

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Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!

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Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.

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Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

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Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?

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Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get.... Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.

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Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.

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Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

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Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them. Dougal: A shower of bastards.

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Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?

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Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.

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Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.

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Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he grew a beard!
Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.

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Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...

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Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.

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Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!

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Sangre

God i have to commened you on ur time and effort lol. Fr. ted would probably be my favourite program or at least in a VERY close top 5