Jokes

Mark

Things that sound dirty in golf-
The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.
Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played. If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.
Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

How to tell the species of bear you are looking at:
Go over to him, and kick him in the behind. Run up a nearby tree. If he climbs the tree and kills you, he's a black bear. If he knocks the tree down and kills you, he's a grizzly.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

Two little old ladies who have a very weak eyesight go shopping one day. After shopping a while, they decide to go to the rest room. Mistakenly, they walk into the men's room instead of the ladies room. Two men who are equally desperate to take a leak are standing on the urinals and about to begin. The two ladies walk in and the men not knowing what else to do, put their backs against the wall and pretend that they are part of the rest-room fixtures. The first lady, mistaking one of the men for the sink, walks up to him and pulls his penis a couple of times. The man looses control and lets go. She then turns to the other one and says, "Oh, My... you should try this one. It has warm water!" The second lady replies, "No dear, I think I'll stick with this one. It not only has warm water, it dispenses liquid soap as well!"

A guy walks into this bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man noticing that his beer is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says "Don't bother getting those girls a drink, it won't do you any good. You're just wasting your time." The man says, "Naaa. Give em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes. The girls out of respect raise their glasses, in a sort of thank you, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that the girls are empty again. So the man yells, "Hey bartender, how about another round over here?" The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just wasting your time." Well the man puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just wasting my time??" The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians, we love to eat pussy!!" The man now has a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender, 3 beers for us lesbians!"

A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his brethren. Immediately one of the other salesmen accosted him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-bitch, you win the all expense paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?"
Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dog ****. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!! This stuff tastes like ****!!' I reply 'Yessir! EXACTLY what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?"

"There's these 3 girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) who walk into a bar and then a cop comes in a realized they were all under age so they all bolted. They ran into an alley where there were 3 trash bags...then the police come and the officer kicks the first one (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a bunch of cats" then he kicks the next one where the red haired girl was hiding and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a bunch of dogs" then he kicks the last bag where the blonde is hiding and she says "potatoes potatoes."

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cell-phone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went by her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she
went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
So the next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter said "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing last night?"
The daughter said "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."