Worst Sexual Encounters (keep it Clean-ish)

Yo Mamma

I think it would be funny to hear some horror stories from everyone's sexual pasts - as well as give the kids something to look forward to.

Now I dont want anything too overly pornographic or disgusting Coz I dont want this thread locked because of some muppet

Okay...one that stands out in my mind is this Jewish girl I met and picked up at a party some years ago. She'd been tossing 'em down like a real pro all night & by the time I loaded her in my car to take her back to my place, she was well snockered and not much in the way of conversation - she mainly just hunkered down in the seat, listing permanently to starboard. Halfway home, she perked up a little & started moaning (no, I hadn't started messing with her or anything). I well recognized the tenor of that sound, and asked if she was gonna be sick & should I pull over? She mumbled to the negative & quieted down for a minute. Then suddenly she bolted upright and projectile-vomited onto the edge of the dash and floor. I hit the brakes, yelled at her to aim it outside and frantically stabbed at her window button. She turned her head & her next heave *almost* made it out the window - only her window had only made it halfway down by then, and half her load splashed down the outside of the car (where the windstream spread it out quite efficiently), the other half over the inside of the window and door (with a good bit splashing on her jeans).

The smell was hideous & I was pi$$ed. Shortly arriving at my place, I sent her into my bathroom to get cleaned up while I returned to the car with some paper towels to mitigate the horror. Returning inside, found her laying on my bed. When she saw me, she beckoned me over, slurred an apology (I think) and started fumbling with my zipper. I figured, wtf, she fcuked up my car - I definitely better get something good out of this fiasco. :rolleyes:

So we started messing about and things were getting real interesting when I felt her pause and stiffen. By the time I opened my eyes, she'd pulled off and suddenly puked again all over my ****ing bed. :mad:

Never was able to rid the car of that smell completely. Thankfully, it wasn't long before I traded it.

Enygma

Getting caught by her dad is always the worst. I remember once I told him we were wrestling
Caught another time in my boxers under her bed! Just got my clothes and ran that time, no excuse would have done the job.

WhiteWashMan

just remember worse.
falling asleep in the middle of a blow job on my birthday about 4 years ago

Gordon

My first try at sex was with an older lady that I had been going out with for a month or so. I really didn't know what to do so I fumbled around for a while but then things stopped. The next morning she broke up with me

I think I've gotten better...

Two friends of mine were a bit drunk and were snogging. The girl of the two was a bit too... she threw up, and she couldn't wait to get out of his mouth. This girl threw up in my friends' mouth!:o

They are OK now

Cake Fiend

I seem to have seriously bad luck regarding getting walked in on...

The most recent example of this would be when, in a well-known concert venue, myself and a girl were caught by four security guards when she was in the middle of er... returning a favour.
Luckily I wasn't in much of a state to care at the time, but thinking back on it is fairly cringe-ful.

I also had a bad experience when my old girlfriend wore braces (no, not my tongue... :eek: )

Turner

sexcellent stories,,,

especially yours Yo Mamma..

Im in work and cant stop laughing at people on the phone

seamus

Goddammit Chief, I see your name as the last poster, and here I am thinking I'll have some lovely scandal to hold you ransom with at work!!!!!!

DesertFox

lol

Karl Hungus

Getting repeatedly mistaken for a girl by big biker types...

Samson

Many (and I mean many) moons ago, my friends and I used to frequent The Plough on Abbey Street (Upper, Lower, not sure).
The basement was pretty good craic, was sectioned off into sort of "snugs" at that time and the music was loud.

Anyway this one Saturday night (I think) Billy and I scored with with two chicks and were getting down to some serious tongue and hand action in our respective "snugs" (the place had started to empty out at this stage, so we had a reasonable amount of privacy).

Well, as per usual I was well tanked up with all sorts of the demon alcohol (had been at it from about 3PM).
So, there I was with my tongue down this young one's throat and I start to feel a little bit queasy; so rather than run to the jacks (and interrupt the hand-job), I looked around, picked up an empty pint glass and proceeded to puke into it.
So as not to turn her off too much I then gargled with some Bacardi and Coke.
I turn back to her and we continued with "our business".

We were supposed to meet up the next night, but I never did see that girl again; I wonder why...

WhiteWashMan

you cant buy class......

elexes

one apon a time . i went out wif a lovely lil girl ( about 5'2 ) and were were in some woods . some of u might know them charlivle woods in tullamore co. offaly well we found this kick ass massive downed ( was still about 4 meters above the ground )tree anyways we climbed onto it and well we got a bit frisky .

a cople of cloths less and me thinking **** i cant feel the ground any more and true enough we had fallen off in are hast . well back to it on the ground and going good . ( o the gud memories )

well we heard some rambling in the bushes but though it was nothing at first then it continued and a bloody huge cow came out . talk about the fright of ur life we grabbed all are stuff and ran

there is some other stories of being walked in on but we all know its a slight turn on .

those gud memories

Pimp Ninja

After our usual night out, we came home and had a bottle of wine and went upstairs.

Monkey-business ensued and we were quite enjoying ourselves. I dont want to go into details, trying to keep it as clean as possible without saying hot monkey sex, but but right at the end one of the legs broke off of the bed and it slumped right over to that side.. Needless to say that we both fell off and ended up in a heap on the floor.

chernobyl

I knew it was tonight.all the signs, big bright "your gonna get some" neon signs...my poor brain, it was so deprived on blood, i was gonna pass out.
we just about made it home, i could not believe how freaky she was, this things shes said in my ear...wow, was i dreaming?
even though this would be my first, i was not nervous and was really flowing with it..excellent
this was gonna be no 10minute fix, it was gonna be an all over body experience.
i decided to take the lead (you know "a fava for a fava"), man did that girl scream, and i was just teasing, not really begun yet and i have neighbours, bitchy ones, but who cares.
the time had come, she slowly undid my zipper, i was shaking with desire, slowly put her hand in my pants and then....suddenly lauged at my tiny little dick and she then went home....and also told everyone, so i never lost my virginity.


come to think of it, its not that funny...

/me
chernobyl runs off to cry over the moment that has screwed his lifw up.

Samson

Try this crowd Chernobyl,

http://www.advancedcosmeticsurgery.ie/

I'm sure they could help !

chernobyl

they laughed too Samson.

Bluehair

About three years ago my ex and I were having a naughty weekend in Amsterdam. Amongst our sight-seeing trips we did the obligitory tour of the sex museum.

Both feeling a bit horney we visited one of the nice video booths to see some hardcore (did I mention this girl had *no* inhibitions? ) fun. One thing lead to another and in the midst of getting it on *in* the booth (which was no mean feat since it was fu<king tiny!) I noticed a very small security camera in the corner. :eek:

Part of me thought this was actually funny but somehow she didn't see the funny side screaming "what if *we're* next weeks show?!?"

I did have a discret chat with the management to see if they recorded it (they denied it emphatically) since truth be told I just wanted a copy to show to me mates! Mind you I've never had a chance to go back and see if i'm on...........

TwoShedsJackson

Originally posted by chernobyl

the time had come, she slowly undid my zipper, i was shaking with desire, slowly put her hand in my pants and then....suddenly lauged at my tiny little dick and she then went home....and also told everyone, so i never lost my virginity.


come to think of it, its not that funny...

/me
chernobyl runs off to cry over the moment that has screwed his lifw up.

With thanks to SA :

azezil

ROFL the state of ye LMAO

am let me think oh there was this one time in college, There was this total sl@pper after me for ages so anyway one nite (ok it happened a few times!;)) at a house party... u know the usual crack music ppl falling over drunk / high etc.

Anyway she gets me really drunk. Starts chasing me around n eventually corners me in the kitchen, jumps on me, in front of everyone! n does me rite there n then on the kitchen table :eek:

Hmmm on second taughts that wasn't that bad, well after all the laughter n slagging died down that is...:)

PostmanPat

btw azezil

if your sig is supposed to be a quote from Nirvana Territorial Pissings it should read

"Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you"

azezil

Originally posted by PostmanPat
btw azezil

if your sig is supposed to be a quote from Nirvana Territorial Pissings it should read

"Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you"

No its not supposed to be a quote from nirvana (seen it on a poster )

Sharkey

http://www.fugly.com/images/proudmoments/emb00006.jpg

The stories about getting caught in flagrante delecto a practically without number.

but let's face it. It's much, much worse getting caught in a solo act.



http://www.fugly.com/images/proudmoments/emb00010.jpg

The Sweeper

Hmmm, this is bringing a big sh1t-eating grin to my chops so far so good idea on this post Yo Mamma.

I used to live with my boyfriend in an upstairs flat. The landlord was one of those beggars who lets themselves in and out unannounced to collect the rent from a cabinet in the hall, which was outside our sitting room door.

We're due to go out one night and feel like treating ourselves to an evening of self indulgence, so we've booked a good restaurant and there's a bottle of booze on ice in the kitchen. Both of us are in the living room.

I'm standing in my underwear, humming, steam-ironing my dress for later. My boyfriend is on his weights bench, having a quick work out before hitting the shower. What it sounds like?

<iron> "sssssssssssssssssssssssss"
<me> "mmm, mmmmmm, mmmmm"
<him> "gnnnggg, ugh, ugh, phewwwwwww"
<iron> "sssssssssssssssssssssssss"
<me> "mmm, right, other side..."
<him> "gnnnggg, ugh, ugh, uuuuuhhhhhh, get up damn it"
<iron> "sssssssssssssssssssssssss"
<me> "mmm, ooo, ow, bloody hell!!!" (burned myself on the iron)

At that point, I run and throw open the living room door to dart to the kitchen to run my burned hand under the tap, so I'm standing, dress in one hand, door in the other, still in my underwear and what do I see?

There, outside the door, looking like a rabbit in headlights, is the landlord, rent in one hand, the other on his groin area.

shudder

The whole thing degenerated into a slapstick comedy - rent, dress, steam iron and a dumbell all went up in the air at the same time, there was much running, slamming of doors, uttering of profane exclamations etc.

To this day I wont live somewhere that I can't pay the rent by direct debit.