Playing With Fire

old_lady

i WAS GONNA GO UNREG FOR THIS, BUT ITS TAKING TO LONG TO POST AND I NEED SOME SENSE TALKED INTO ME NOW!!
Basically, been with my boyfriend over 2 yrs, gonna call him TOM for the sake of this post. I love him very much, he is the only mna ive ever slept with, I have never cheated, never will cheat, we're thinking of buying a house togther and we plan on gettin married in the nxt 5 years.
We went out with his friends at weekend, he's from Galway, and we spent the weekend there. I get on really well with all his mates, ehich is great, but heres the problem. When I first met his mates I just knew one of them fancied me, and to be honest, I kinda fancied him too, the first few times we met we would indulge in some harmless flirting, and I really enjoyed it, but after I while it just fizzled out and he became one of my long distance mates, no more flirting. Anyhow, I hadn't seen him, and we'll call him GERRY, for a long time, about 6 months or so, and when I saw him this weekend, the spark was there again.
Saturday night, I was on the beer, but he was working, so we just shared a few pleasantries and then we went to the nightclub, he stayed behind to work, sunday night he was out on the beer too, and very flirty, but i was flirty too. A few times, we managed to loose the group and hit the dancefloor, where we where very touchy feely, but didnt kiss, then that night when we got home, I went to bed, leaving my boyfriend to chat with GERRY and the rest of the lads, I was texting Gerry the entire time from my bed, and he came upstairs, to give me a hug, we hugged, in total silence, for about 2 minutes, which is a long time I think, to be hugging someone who isn't your boyfriend. then he went back downstairs and my boyfriend joined me and we went to sleep.
Didnt see gerry before we left yesterday.
Anyhow, what I am asking is, if the flirrting continues, but never progresses to kissing etc, is it harmless?
I see it as a bit of an ego buzz and ads an exciting buzz to my stay.
Im heading out there again this weekend, and no doubt we will be flirting as always... should I tone it down? or have a bit of flirting fun?
or am I playing with fire.... my only fear is that gerry a) trys to kiss me, b) wants to talk about feelings for me
Basically, because neither of us discuss our flirtting, its hard to lay down rules and boundaries. I cant say "wel can get dance real close, but no kissing" or "we can hug silently for 2 minutes, but nothing is going to come of it".

Beruthiel

old_lady wrote:

Anyhow, what I am asking is, if the flirrting continues, but never progresses to kissing etc, is it harmless?.

it's only harmless if both parties know it's not to be taken seriously.
As both of you seem to be attracted to each other it's no longer harmless,
I think you know there is more going on there then you wish to admit

Faith

You're playing with fire. If you really love your boyfriend, stop risking everything on "A bit of harmless flirting". You know Gerry really likes you and you're leading him on which isn't fair on anyone. If my boyfriend behaved like that with a female friend, I'd be majorly pissed off.

The Sweeper

Stop using Gerry to get your kicks, and stop using Tom as your old reliable. You have issues about how you feel with both of them.

Welcome to the world of The Forbidden Fruit. When Eve did it she got all of us chucked out of the garden of Eden, you'll just get yourself chucked out of your boyfriend's life - and probably justifiably. Imagine how the poor bastard feels? You're all over his mate like a rash, sending out major signals.

There is a big difference between harmless flirting and a direct come-on. You are giving your boyfriend's mate a direct come-on.

I'd say you're probably wrecking his head as well.

Decide which one of the two you want to be with. And 'both' really isn't a realistic answer (unless you discuss it openly with the two of them and they're up for it, but hey, chances.)

audge

if you only see thihs guy once or twice in a 6 month period then I reckon its harmless, bit of extra excitement. As long as your reading signs carefully and avaoid all kissing scenarios you should be ok. sounds like all this guy wants is a bit of going nowhere flirting too... I dunno, I prob wouldnt want my boyfriend behaving like this.. but as long as you stick to your "never cheating" rule, you should be ok.

BoozyBabe

Is it just an ego boost for you (& you have no feelings for him at all) or do you really fancy him & if it wasn't for your bf you'd be with him??????

If it's the 1st, then it's not fair on Gerry, as it may not be just ego-boosting for him (though in fairness, if he's Toms friend then he shouldn't be flirting with his friends gf anyway)
If you actually DO fancy him then you need to think real hard about your relationship with Tom.
i.e. how will you feel in 10yrs time (still being with Tom) but having never experienced sex with anyone else. Would you be ok with that?
Could you be having doubts about long-term commitment with Tom without playing the field for a while????

I've no idea what your exact feelings are so I've no idea what the right answer is.
Maybe you could answer a few of my quesions so we can see whether your flirting is harmless or not.

(Either way I think it's not harmless, but it could be for different reasons)

DrummerBoy

To put it simply, reverse the situation. How would you feel if "Tom" was acting the same way with one of your mates the way you acting with one of his?

Just because something doesn't happen (as are your written intentions) sometimes some friendships can be a little inappropriate. The thing is I think you already know what you need to do and just may be looking for second opinions.

Innocent flirting whether concious or otherwise can be harmless and fun but it doesn't take a whole lot to get rid of the innocent part, especially if both parties have a "spark" for eachother.

Just my 2cent.
A.

Gordon

If you had waited a little your post would have shown up due to being in the unreg queue. Unregged users' posts only appear when a mod approves the posts.

D

I would calm down where the flirting is concerned. There is nothing wrong with a compliment and the odd double entendre but, but hugging a guy for 2 minutes while you are in bed is wrong, dancing close is fine IMO as long as no heavy petting or "stroking" goes on.

old_lady

Ok, I do think it went a bit fair with the hugging - it is that act that had me questioning the set up

I see this guy maybe once 5 times in a year.

We dont text or have any communication outside of these visits

I do love my boyfirend, honestly, and I really do want to live with him and be with him forever.

I guess what I wanted to know is... do I ever talk to "GERRY" about the flirting or is that making a big deal of it?

When I said I fancy him, I mean yeah he is cute, but no, I definately wouldn't want to go out with him, seriously, if my boyfriend was not in the picture, I have no intentions of ever making "gerry" my boyfriend!!

Is it not ok to just have a flirt buddy????

BoozyBabe

old_lady wrote:

Is it not ok to just have a flirt buddy????

NO!!!!

Would you like your bf to have a flirt buddy who he sneaks away from you to dance with on the dance, who visits him while he's in bed to hug for 2 minutes.

You're being really unfair to both guys. Tom doesn't deserve this treatment & Gerry is being led on by you. You pretending you're interested when you're not!

STOP FLIRTING with Gerry, you don't need to be ignorant, just when he says something flirty don't respond in a flirty way. When you do this enough times he should get the message, if he doesn't then have that wee chat & tell him you're not interested in him & you think your behaviour is damaging to your relationship with your bf.

If you don't do this you WILL lose your bf, & if you really love him as much as you say you do, you don't want this to happen as you've said you don't want Gerry either.

Stop it now!!

misswex

Would you be ok with Tom having a flirt buddy??

I know for me that flirting with another guy like that would be a no-no, respect my b/f and our relationship too much.

Think is harmless to talk away to guys and have a laugh but I think you have crossed the boundary and with one of his good mates too.

Kersh

Sorry to say this but in all reality, you dont love your boyfriend if you are doing this/fancying someone else, and the fact that its his mate makes you a worse person for it too.
Why do you need to get your kicks from flirting with someone else.
And........ how would you feel if your fella fancied and flirted with one of your mates, and everything that happened between you and gerry had happened between tom and your friend.... i think you would be p1ssed off.... wouldnt you??????
You need to stand back and figure out which one you want, cos buying a house/marrying tom looks like the wrong and " ****ty for him" option.

The Clown Man

Haha!

Honestly, I would flat out dump you on the spot. And then I'd punch "GERRY" who is supposed to be a mate.

Have you absolutely no respect for your boyfriend? God help you both if you continue with it. If you found him engaging in a "hug" while upstairs in your room how would you feel? Or if he was texting your mate flirty texts while she was down chatting to you?

Women like you who don't even know the wrong in what you are doing and cannot see beyond what it means for yourself alone are simply incapable of having a relationship and should be made wear big warning signs in public.

The fact that you have to ask just sickens me.

Dump your boyfriend for his sake and cop the fúck on.

Kersh

I was thinking this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ but didn wanna be that harsh, but hey, there ya go

ferdi

i think flirting is fine, its the fact that you repeatedly flirt with the same cat that makes it bad. you know very well that if you keep this up,someone will get hurt.Your thinking or marrying this guy for gods sake.

oh and a 2 minute silent hug in your bed is not ok. You have already crossed the line. All you can really do now is throw yourself on your knees,tell Tom the truth and beg for forgivness. Chances are, if he has an ounce of self respect left, he'll kick your ass to the curb and give his 'mate' gerry a good whipping.

Naid

This is very harmful especially if you are doing this with your boyfriends friend. Have you ever thought how you would feel if your boyfriend was doing this with one of your friends? The way you are describing things in the near future it is going to go a bit further and someone will get hurt and that someone is more than likely going to be your boyfriend. I know you can't help your feelings for someone but you just have to ignore them, if you love your boyfriend like you say you do you will stop before anything else happens.

LegacyUser

Ok, I think everyone is making a big deal out of nothing.
the hug was wrong, she knows that.... if she is only seeing this guy 5 times a year and having no contact in between then I really dont see what the big deal is.

mada999

good post by ferdi...
i agree...gerry would be up for a major whipping...he ain't a real friend if he's messing with his bird..

shakaman

I'd be interested to know how old the OP is.....because for anyone over the age of 18 to think of what you're doing as having a 'flirt buddy' seems both immature and totally disrespectful to their boyfriend.

I mean ffs having another guy in your bed and hugging him while your b/f is downstairs/texting another guy while your b/f is in the same room, cop yourself on, if you really loved this guy you wouldn't be doing this.

I suggest you take look as serious as to why you're doing this and the first port of call is this notion of are you hurting anybody.....if your boyfriend found it out he would be gutted.

I think the relationship has probably gone a bit 'stale' and this guy represents some new meat to get excited about. You are using both guys to make yourself feel better about yourself, 'Gerry' - to remind yourself you still have what it takes to pull and 'Tom' - for someone to go home to, call etc be a companion.

P.S. This 'Gerry' guy needs a hidin

P.P.S To all those who think this is just flirting, get a grip.....hugging another guy in bed!

old_lady

Ok, advice taken, I will stop the flirting but I have to clear a few things up,

Gerry isn't messing with his mates bird, he was locked drunk had a jokey flirty dance on the dance floor, and gave his friend, and I am his friend, a drunken hug - and I know it went on longer then needs be.

Don't tell me I don't love my boyfriend because I do! I have never so muched as kissed another guy and I never will. We are both very young and I honestly thought a bit of flirting was ok as long as thats all it was.

My boyfriend is a very funny, confident and good looking guy, I dont doubt that he shares a few inuendo's with the girls at work, and when we are in his home town, he shares a fair bit of banter with the ladies, all above board, double meaning funny stuff.

I am ok with that, becuase I share the same sense of hunour and can give a bit of banter myself.

As for the flirt friend, I honestly do only see this guy max 5 times a year, it was all a bit drunk and messy the other night, I don't feel guilty about the dancing, because my boyfriend was about 2 foot away at the time and not even slightly bothered by it because he knows nothing would happen.

I am not trying to justify the hug, it was wrong, a step too far, and it wont happen again, but as for the rest of it, I really dont feel guilty because I really don't think its underhanded, and if my boyfriend was doing a bit of diry dancing with one of my mates, I genuinely don't think I would be cut up about it.

ferdi

as a total outsider, just from reading your posts, i can honestly say that i think you are going to end up shagging gerry if you dont cut all contact.

Guys like myself and Gerry have an animal magnetism which most women (like youself) find impossible to resist.

LegacyUser

Well all I can say is each couple has a differnt set of boundaries, and if its ok to flirt in your relationship then you have no need to feel guilty.
You obviously think you crossed the line with the hugging and texting so you don't need us to tell you it was wrong. Don't do it again and continue on loving your boyfriend. You must have a lot of thrust in each other for the flirrting and banter to be ok, don't mess that up by sneaking off for hugs.
But bottom line I would say, you made a mistake, but not a major one, you feel guilty now, so you know it was a bad move.
Just stick within your boundaries and I don't see any harm in a bit of banter.

As for the posters, we have had people on here confessing to cheating on their partners with one night stands and they have not been given such a hard time... take it easy on the OP, she didn't really do anything all that bad!

chump

cancancan wrote:

Well all I can say is each couple has a differnt set of boundaries, and if its ok to flirt in your relationship then you have no need to feel guilty.

As for the posters, we have had people on here confessing to cheating on their partners with one night stands and they have not been given such a hard time... take it easy on the OP, she didn't really do anything all that bad!

True true, OP it's all fair game if both you and your partner know what's going on, can maintain the level it's at, and are happy with it...

I think it's pushing the boundaries a little, but sure in some relationships the partners are happy to allow each other to have flings... which is fair game if they both dig that...

Basically what I'm saying is:
It seems the issue here is: Is your boyfriend OK with the level of flirting this has gone to? Grinding on the DF (dancefloor), hugging in bed, txting him while he's chatting to your BF and his pals...?
I'm guessing he isn't and you wouldn't be OK if he did the opposite...

As for the whole playing with fire thing... I think it's a bit odd that you'd refer to this whole thing as playing with fire if you were confident things hadn't gone a bit far. I think you know you overstepped the mark!

Andway feckkit,

smurfbaby

Old_lady
In my opinion you don't necessarily have to kiss someone to be unfaithful. Imagine how your boyfriend would feel if he knew this was going on-would he laugh it off as a bit of harmless fun? Somehow I dont think so. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was the other way round?
Last year my boyfriends close friendship with another girl became an issue for me-they were constantly texting and phoning each other, going out together and generally hanging out, to the point where it was totally inappropriate. While I knew that he hadn't two timed me, it still became incredibly hurtful and almost spelt the end of our relationship. Just warning you that although you think its harmless cos you havent actually kissed/slept with this guy, your boyfriend probably wont see it like that.
Also is it harmless flirting when it has gone on this long or has it developed into something more? Even if you see it as harmless, Gerry may not and if you decide to end it he may think of you as a prick tease and become resentful, maybe even having a few words with your boyfriend...
Tread very carefully is my advice, and if you love 'Tom' as much as you say dont jeopardise it

old_lady

smurfbaby wrote:

Old_lady
In my opinion you don't necessarily have to kiss someone to be unfaithful. Imagine how your boyfriend would feel if he knew this was going on-would he laugh it off as a bit of harmless fun? Somehow I dont think so. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was the other way round?
Last year my boyfriends close friendship with another girl became an issue for me-they were constantly texting and phoning each other, going out together and generally hanging out, to the point where it was totally inappropriate. While I knew that he hadn't two timed me, it still became incredibly hurtful and almost spelt the end of our relationship. Just warning you that although you think its harmless cos you havent actually kissed/slept with this guy, your boyfriend probably wont see it like that.
Also is it harmless flirting when it has gone on this long or has it developed into something more? Even if you see it as harmless, Gerry may not and if you decide to end it he may think of you as a prick tease and become resentful, maybe even having a few words with your boyfriend...
Tread very carefully is my advice, and if you love 'Tom' as much as you say dont jeopardise it

I know I over stepped the mark with the hugging and texting.

I really do. When I read it back it really hit home, its as if I needed to say it outloud...... the dancing, I think thats ok, my boyfriend often hits the dancefloor with my female friends.

I guess its all above board as long as the other is present, if you know what I mean.... as in, banter and dancing is ok, cos other half is there so clearly got nothinh to hide... but the sneaky stuff, the hugs and texts, is clearly wrong cos I would want him to know......

I have it, think i knew it all long, just needed to actually voice it to set the rules in my head.

But you all had some fair points, disagree with anyone who said I clearly don't love my boyfriend, cos thats bull ****, I wouldn't be without him for anything.

K, i learned my lesson, and luckily i have learned it before the proverbial **** hit the fan!

Cheers.... there will be no more sneaky stuff!

(I dont know about anyone else but i think it is possible to be in a loving relationship and still get a kick out of a bit of attention from the opposite sex, I know my boyfriend gets a big fat head whenever some girl chats him up, and I dont think thats a big deal, he gets an inflated ego for about half an hour, but he's still coming home with me!! - well thats how I see it!)

LegacyUser

old_lady wrote:

I know my boyfriend gets a big fat head whenever some girl chats him up, and I dont think thats a big deal, he gets an inflated ego for about half an hour, but he's still coming home with me!!

What happens when you are not out with him?

old_lady

anon123456 wrote:

What happens when you are not out with him?

We are almost always out together.... We are best friends, I see him every day of the week, he even goes shopping with me!!

We have all the same friends, cos we went to college together for 4 years and worked together for 3 years.

Ah I regret the whole thing now.

I do think people where a bit harsh, I doubt its normal to go your entire life without fancying anyone but your partner..... is it?

As long as you don't take fancying to the next level I would have thought it was ok, I am sure my boyfriend finds other girls attractive, but its me he's with, its me he loves, its me he wants to be with, its me he has a past with and feelings for, so who cares??

BoozyBabe

old_lady wrote:

As long as you don't take fancying to the next level I would have thought it was ok, .............. so who cares??

Problem is (& most the posters here agree so we can't all be wrong) you HAVE taken it to another level.

Yes, there's absolutely nothing wrong with fancying someone else, but secretly texting while he's talking to your bf & allowing him into your room while you're in bed to hug for 2 minutes is certainly taking it to the next level,

so who cares!!!!!????
your bf will.

You say you'll stop flirting, lets hope so, but the fact that you're still so dismissive about what you're doing & you still don't seem to see that what you're doing is wrong makes me think that you won't stop!

I guess only you will know!!!

HelterSkelter

old_lady wrote:

When I first met his mates I just knew one of them fancied me, and to be honest, I kinda fancied him too, the first few times we met we would indulge in some harmless flirting, and I really enjoyed it...

old_lady wrote:

sunday night he was out on the beer too, and very flirty, but i was flirty too. A few times, we managed to loose the group and hit the dancefloor, where we where very touchy feely, but didnt kiss...

old_lady wrote:

I was texting Gerry the entire time from my bed, and he came upstairs, to give me a hug, we hugged, in total silence, for about 2 minutes, which is a long time I think, to be hugging someone who isn't your boyfriend

From a lads point of view you are a prick tease.

audge

OLD_LADY, ask one of the mods to delete this thread, your not doing yourself any favours by reading it.
Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone? there are a lot of condemers on here, and not one person has given you productive advice.

You admitted taking it a step too far, you said you feel lousy and guilty, you have sworn not to do it again, you have told the world how much you love your boyfiend, and still everyone is giving you a hard time.

If you really mean it when you say you will give the flirrting a knock on the head then I don't see a problem for you and your boyfriend, a little blip like this is not worth heading to the confession box for.

You did wrong, you know it, you say you wont do it again.... end of story, stop feeling guilty, you have learned from your mistake!

Pigman II

Why is it always women who'll describe flirting as 'meaningless' or 'harmless'? Newsflash, to a guy it's an invitation to war!

Dya know when you say flirting 'means nothing' , well that's exactly the same 'means nothing' that us guys use to describe the value we place on woman we've just slept with behind your back.

If your bf had an affair and you found only for him to say she 'means nothing' how much better would that make you feel? Because that's how much better your bf will feel if he finds out you've been batting your little eyelids at his mate and you tell him its just harmless fun.

Knock it off now.

old_lady

OK, WHATS DONE IS DONE!!! Its where I go from here that counts?

What do you want me to do? Break up with him? Or never flirt like that again and make a real go of things???

Jesus, I am a cheat, a prick tease, a whore, a generally horrible person...... I am not trying to make little of what happened, if it was no big deal I wouldnt have posted asking for advice (of which i recieved almost none)

I believe I can still redeem myself and we can still be very happy together, I am sorry that no one else feels the same way, but when we are still together and happy in 6months, a year, 5 years time, I will be very glad that I realised the error of my ways before I got in to deep or did any major damage!!!

BoozyBabe

Everyone (well most) gave you advice:- it was:- STOP FLIRTING WITH THIS GUY!!! (you're welcome, by the way)

Is that NOT advice?
You're not a cheat, a whore or anything like that. There is defo an element of prick tease where that guy's concerned but that's it. (Even if you did noting at all you could still be a prick tease to this guy if he fancied you a lot)

All I said was so long as you don't do it again you're grand.

No, don't break up with your bf if you love him as much as you say. If you do love him as much as you say then you'll find it real easy to not flirt with the other guy again, therefore there's nothing doomed about your relationship.
Learn from your mistake, concentrate on doing the flirting with your bf & have a long & happy life together

Beruthiel

no need to loose the plot old lady,
you asked for opinions, you got them, whither you like them or not is not the issue.

old_lady

BoozyBabe wrote:

Everyone (well most) gave you advice:- it was:- STOP FLIRTING WITH THIS GUY!!! (you're welcome, by the way)

Is that NOT advice?
You're not a cheat, a whore or anything like that. There is defo an element of prick tease where that guy's concerned but that's it. (Even if you did noting at all you could still be a prick tease to this guy if he fancied you a lot)

All I said was so long as you don't do it again you're grand.

No, don't break up with your bf if you love him as much as you say. If you do love him as much as you say then you'll find it real easy to not flirt with the other guy again, therefore there's nothing doomed about your relationship.
Learn from your mistake, concentrate on doing the flirting with your bf & have a long & happy life together

Thank you, your advice is very productive and helpful.

A lot of people here just slaughtered me with insults, which, maybe they felt justified, didn't really help me with my personal issue!

smurfbaby

Old_lady
Im sorry you dont feel you received any constructive advice-I thought that my post was generally helpful but perhaps not. All I pointed out was that it would be best for your relationship if you nipped the flirting in the bud, which hopefully you will do. I also told you my personal experience which was that even if something doesnt go as far as kissing it can still be hurtful and damaging. Its great that you have realised this in time, rather than taking it further and regretting it. By the sounds of it you love your boyfriend very much, and would never two time him, so hopefully your relationship will only get stronger.
BTW I wasnt suggesting you are a prick tease, I was just pointing out that Gerry could see it like that, and maybe some night after a few drinks he could have spilled some poison into your boyfriends ear, out of jealousy/bitterness
I wish you and your boyfriend all the best

old_lady

Hey all, just to update you all, was in galway again at weekend, boyfriends friends was out and you know what...... nothing happened, and I mean nothing, not even a hint of flirtting, from him or me, it was as if last week was a dream (or a nightmare). We got on great, had a great laugh, as always, the drink flowed and it was honestly, all just good clean fun!
I am delighted, as I have a tendancy to big up a situation in my head and make it way more life altering then it actually is.
Anyhow, as I said last week, no more flirting for me, and I realise I was very luck to escape from the little mess as well as I did!
So seriously, LESSON WELL LEARNED!

HelterSkelter

Maybe he reads boards as well!

old_lady

HelterSkelter wrote:

Maybe he reads boards as well!

Jeeeze, I don't know if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.

Good thing cause he could read my side of the story withou me actually having to say it face to face

Bad thing cos...............................SCARLET!!! he knows for damn sure I fancied him!

Either way, I know I was very lucky and that things have turned out for the best!

audge

Lucky you! Although I had a feeling you where making mountains out of molehills!!