Don't Know what to think

LegacyUser

My boyfriend of over two years ( we are living together) asked me to defrag his pc.

While clearing out some stuff off the pc (searching for temp files etc) I found tons of porn. All of the type of girls my boyfriend has previously expressed an interest in.

He's now denying it fervently, saying its a virus that planted it there, and sticking with his attitude of 'I would never look at porn, how dare you accuse me'.

I don't actually know what to think any more.

audge

what are we talking about? a few pictures or hardcore movies? is it paid for downloaded stuff? If its pictures forget about it, don't know a guy in the world who hasn't looked at a few saucy pics. Also, what if its from years ago? before you got together, or in the early stages of you being togetehr..??
Look, let it go, If he was a dirty pervert I would imagine he would have been more concerned about asking you to go through his computer. He didn't feel like he had anything to hide, so why should you make him feel like he has done something wrong? Delete the stuff, have a sulk, as us girls do, forget about it and move on. It is not really that big of a deal!!!

skywalker

Let this be a lesson to guys, letting your girlfriend defrag your pc can only end in disaster.

Seriously though, hes lying, you both know it, hes just embarrassed & hoping you'll drop it. As previous poster said if he thought he thought it was a big deal he would have never asked you to go near his pc.

Get him to bring you out for dinner this weekend & forget about it.

Zombrex

Username789 wrote:

All of the type of girls my boyfriend has previously expressed an interest in.

You mean dwarf midgit grannies riding horses

Seriously, I wouldn't worry about it ... guys look at porn, its what we do. Doesn't mean he isn't into you sexually, but god knows women aren't aways around and us men can't masterbate looking at a blank wall like you (lucky) women seem able to do. Would u rather he took a lot of naked pictures of you and masterbated to them, cause most girls I know would say "er, no thanks"

If you are worried that it is a sign that he is less attracted to you physically, and is turning else where for sexual gratification, maybe have a chat to him, see if there is stuff you two can do to spice things up a bit. Otherwise i wouldn't worry about it. He is probably only lying cause you seem to be thinking it is a big deal.

0utshined

Is your problem the porn or that he is lying to you?

LegacyUser

At the start it was the porn, now its the lying.

Skitbra

Well from the way she's reacting to it I'd say he's scared to admit it.
All guys look at porn. You should accept it and not make him feel guilty about the whole thing.

Sifo

Username789 wrote:

All of the type of girls my boyfriend has previously expressed an interest in.

Alright,

In what way would he show interest in these type of girls?

It sounds to me like your suffering from a lack of confidence yourself! I'd recommend trying to spice things up in the bedroom.. he'll stay away from porn if he's getting what he wants!!!

annR

It may have been from a long time ago . . .but how is she to even find this out if he won't even admit to it.

It's easy to say forget about it . . .but I think I'd be shocked too if I thought it was recent stuff. Any of us would be shocked if you lived with someone for 2 years and suddenly one day made a discovery of something you previously had no clue of . ..especially so in your face as this. Especially 'tons' of porn . . . a few pictures yeah but to think of your boyfriend storing tons of it on his PC . . . come on it is a bit of a shock.

I don't think he should lie and fling it back at her like that saying how dare you etc, she's not stupid.

And I think I would also feel insecure if it was porn of a certain type of girl which she isn't . . . how can you guys say that doesn't matter and to just forget about it. Yeah right. I wonder if the tables were turned how you would feel. It's impolite to say to a boyfriend "hmmm I get really turned on by muscular guys and you're not really". What's the difference with porn.

LegacyUser

The porn is from recently - from when I was away for a weekend and from when he was on a week's holidays from work.

Mr.Nice Guy

It's porn. So what? Men have urges ladies and it's time to stop making us feel guilty about them!

Funky

He clearly hates you and has been imagining these women when he sleeps with you.




Everyone looks at porn, you shouldn't get upset. So what if it's a different type of girl, he'd hardly be with you if you didn't appeal to him, picking fights over trivial stuff for the sake of fighting (and maybe for the sake of some attention) will hurt your relationship more than porn.

Draupnir

its only porn, all blokes like a bit of porn. once its not illegal porn I wouldnt worry about it, he will just be embarrassed and probably forgot it was there.

put it this way, he could have cheated on you to get his jollies instead so by looking at porn, he was in a very indirect way, showing that he wants to be with you.

D

Sorry but how did you come accross porn defraging his computer? You generaly just run the program and walk away to wait. Were you searching through his stuff? Also for all you know it could have been some of his friends that were looking at it.

annR

If he came clean rather than patronising her with stories about viruses etc it might be easier to accept and understand it. Get him to own up - if it's so normal for guys to look at porn he should be man enough to admit to it and deal with the consequences.

>>He's now denying it fervently, saying its a virus that planted it there, and sticking with his attitude of 'I would never look at porn, how dare you accuse me'.
I don't actually know what to think any more.<<

g'em

It's porn, a lot of guys look at it, and *shock, horror* even some girls too


I think a lot of women have a problem with porn because they feel their partner is watching it because they aren't satisfied sexually, when that's generally not the case. Men like to look at boobies and other bodily bits, pure and simple.

He shouldn't have lied about it, but was probably just worried about your reaction, which, in fairness, was exactly what he'd expected. Talk to him about it, gently tell him it was a shock to see it, but you would have preferred it if he was upfront about it. So long as its just your run-of-the-mill porn and nothing totally weird or upsetting, I'd try and leave it be.

Drazhar

A-Ha, D brings up a good point. You were snooping on his PC!!

Seriously though how did you react to him when you found it? Did you confront him with it ("What the hell is all of this then????"), thereby immediately putting him on the defensive.

My guess is that he's embarrassed by it.

There isn’t a guy alive with access to the net that doesn’t have some porn on their PC. Scratch that, there isn’t a guy alive who does not have some porn. Accept it, guys are all about the visual. Id be more worried if he didn’t have any to be honest

what you could have done is used it to your advantage, seen what your boyfriend is into that maybe he is too scared or insecure to actually talk to you about and take a few ideas etc...

xzanti

Stick pics of hot hunky fire men with nothing on, dripping with baby oil all over your bedroom wall and see how understanding he is and tell him you have no idea where they came from

GeorgeBailey

xzanti wrote:

Stick pics of hot hunky fire men with nothing on, dripping with baby oil all over your bedroom wall and see how understanding he is

Because that's the exact same thin :rolleyes: At least he keeps his to himself.
As someone who also had a virus on his pc :eek: I can understand where the boyfriend is coming from. It's embarassing and it's hard to know how the woman will react to the truth. Therefore, deny, deny, deny and hope the whole thing gets dropped.

chuci

it strue what they say all guys look at porn when i stumbled across it on my boyf computer i got bit jealous i admitt but then just got over it. gave him a few sexy pics to of me to keep him occupied whn he was bored. hey presto problem solved.

LegacyUser

I'm not asking if its okay to look at porn or not.

I am asking if it is right for him to lie to me, and if there is a supposed virus that downloads porn onto a pc.

Zombrex

annR wrote:

It's impolite to say to a boyfriend "hmmm I get really turned on by muscular guys and you're not really". What's the difference with porn.

God women!, you really don't get us men do ya

The difference is because he is looking at porn doesn't mean he isn't totally turned on by his girlfriend.

Like I said, your girl friend isn't always around, or isn't always up for sex. In the (very unlikely) event that a girl is horny and her man isn't up for sex it is easy (of what I have heard) for a girl to simply double click her own mouse, with no need for real stimulation except maybe a bit of imagination. Boy is that not true for guys. We need a woman, even in virtual form, to get us going.

If a girl looks at Brad Pitt and goes, "God he is gorgeous", does she then turn around to her boyfriend and go "Why don't you look like Brad Pitt!! God you are worthless!" ... no she doesn't, cause Brad Pitt is a fantasy, one that doesn't stop the girl from still being totally turned on by her boyfriend.

Women seem to have this idea that men can only be attracted or turned on by one woman at a time. So if he is looking at porn and getting turned on he must not be turned on by his girlfriend anymore. Let me tell ya, men can be turned on by millions of girls at the same time!! Ever watch a man in Eason trying to decide what lads mag to buy ... "Shes hot.. umm, but so is she... umm I love her ass ... but look at her boobs ... oh this is so hard!"

Also the reason he has "tons" of porn is that men get very bored with the same pictures or videos once we have ... er ... "watched" them. It would be stranger to find a guy with only a few pictures, than loads, because that would mean the guy is actually fixating on the girl or girls in the pictures, and using them over and over, which to me would be much more worrying.

sutty

pretty much all guys look at porn of some sort. But juging from your reaction (posting here about it) He was thinking you would react just like this. Infairness do you not think you are slightly over reacting?

It was said up above about giving your fella some "artistic" pictures of your-self. If you are so worried about him looking at pictures of other women.

Zombrex

Username789 wrote:

The porn is from recently - from when I was away for a weekend and from when he was on a week's holidays from work.

Well there you go, you weren't even there!! Of course he is going to look at porn! Would u rather he went out and shagged your sister?

Seriously, there is nothing to worry about. I would say he only lied about it cause he knew you were mad at him, and men do feel guilty about porn cause society tell them it is wrong.

If you only want him thinking about you when he is home alone and horny, then the next time you are being intimate, whip out the digital camera and give him something to keep him warm in the cold lonely nights .. he will love u for it

Kiera

^^^^^^^^^ Well said young man. Its only a bit of porn. Its not like there's anything seedy or against the law on his pc so relax.

seamus

He probably denied it and said a virus put it there, because you went off the handle and attacked him about it. If you were casual and said, "So, I found your porn", with a big cheeky grin on your face, he probably would have admitted it.

Women - when you nag or attack a man about anything, he will lie to get out of it. It's not wrong, it's reflex.

Zombrex

Username789 wrote:

I am asking if it is right for him to lie to me, and if there is a supposed virus that downloads porn onto a pc.

Well that depends, how did you approach him. As someone else said if you went up to him going "I found tons of porn on your PC you dirty perv!!!" then I am not surprised he started thinking up crazy excuses (and yes, a "virus" that downloads porn on to your harddrive is a crazy excuse).

I would talk to him properly about it, if you did go a bit crazy apologise and explain you don't have a problem with it you just don't want him to feel he has to lie to you about it. I would imagine he lied about it cause he thought/knew you would have a problem about it.

Lex_Diamonds

Username789 wrote:

I'm not asking if its okay to look at porn or not.

I am asking if it is right for him to lie to me, and if there is a supposed virus that downloads porn onto a pc.

Just drop it and stop trying to stir **** up. He lied because he was embarrased, end of story.

Fraggle

Porn shmorn...im a lady and i wouldnt be the least bit distressed if my boyfriend was perusing porn.

There is ONE issue here.

His ridiculous attempts at lying to you!They are laughable!Don't let him dare to try and deny it!Does he think you have the IQ of an earthworm????

Funky

Fraggle wrote:

His ridiculous attempts at lying to you!They are laughable!Don't let him dare to try and deny it!Does he think you have the IQ of an earthworm????

Yea, she should clearly go attack him about it!
:rolleyes:

Zombrex

Fraggle wrote:

His ridiculous attempts at lying to you!They are laughable!Don't let him dare to try and deny it!Does he think you have the IQ of an earthworm????

Kill him! Kill him!

Fraggle you scare me a little

Tar.Aldarion

Username789 wrote:

While clearing out some stuff off the pc (searching for temp files etc) I found tons of porn. All of the type of girls my boyfriend has previously expressed an interest in.

Well It's hardly going to be girls he is not interested in,by any chance are the girls he is interested in... goodlooking ones?
I have it,he has a case of m.a.n. He likes porn!

Username789 wrote:

He's now denying it fervently, saying its a virus that planted it there, and sticking with his attitude of 'I would never look at porn, how dare you accuse me'.

Hmm a virus put it there..I'll be sure to remember that one.It was a virus honey;)
Anyway he probably only reacted like that because you got freaked.He doesn't want you going off the handle over it.

Username789 wrote:

I don't actually know what to think any more.

If he keeps lying then worry about it,sit him down and tell him to tell the truth.Say that's all you care about and that if he lies it's much worse than looking at some nerd boy being taught by his teacher,'z0mg what are you doing miss'.
Good luck,Don't think you have anything to worry about.

annR

Yeah Fraggle that's what I was saying. I know blah blah the poor guy's embarrassed etc and that's why he lied and it's true I know! Guys will lie and lie and deny and deny if a girl's upset about something . .. . there's something pathetic about it. And I know it doesn't help for them to be attacked, well it doesn't help for them to stick to a stupid lie either.

OP, in this case I think you're going to have to accept the pathetical reality of the situation and reassure him that you won't be cross, so that he will tell you the truth and you can get on with things.

Zombrex

annR wrote:

Guys will lie and lie and deny and deny if a girl's upset about something . .. . there's something pathetic about it.

Women lie more than men in relationships, they are just much much better at it ... something to do with brain chemistry. Its hardly our fault we can't lie well under pressure now is it

annR wrote:

OP, in this case I think you're going to have to accept the pathetical reality of the situation and reassure him that you won't be cross, so that he will tell you the truth and you can get on with things.

The attitude of calling this "pathetical" is I think part of the problem. The OP shouldn't have attacked (assuming she did) the boyfriend in the first place, wasn't where this pathetic reality started. Both of them need to calm down and approch this anew. Calling one side pathetic or playing the blame game isn't going to help either of them

Khannie

Username789 wrote:

I'm not asking if its okay to look at porn or not.

Well....you clearly disapprove of it. How did you approach him? If you were accusatory, it probably made him try and cover his tracks. If he thought it was upsetting to you then he's more likely to cover his tracks so you don't get upset.

You also said earlier that your initial problem was with the porn......what was the problem?

IMO there's nothing wrong with a bit of filth. Every man in the universe has checked out internet porn at some stage. Every single one.

annR

Just giving my opinion about him sticking to this virus story . . that's surely not going to get them anywhere. As I said before, she is going to have to calm down and not be cross to get him to be brave enough to tell the truth. That is the truth of it isn't it . . .not my fault if it makes him sound pathetic.

Fysh

Regarding the virus angle - it has been repeatedly attempted, with varying degrees of success, to use this defence in court where people are accused of downloading filth of dodgy variety or of undertaking criminal activities. Technically speaking, it is possible to have trojans, viruses, backdoors or whatever that can download porn, or anything else (usually spyware) - but most of these are caught fairly easily by antivirus.

Sounds like the reason the OP's fella trotted out this excuse was because she approached him in a confrontational manner because she disapproves of him looking at porn - which, whether she admits it or not, is at least how she appears in this thread.

How about sitting down and talking about it like adults? Tends to help relationships actually work, rather than just trying to nag, browbeat or guilt-trip the other person into submitting to your will....

Khannie

Fysh wrote:

How about sitting down and talking about it like adults? Tends to help relationships actually work, rather than just trying to nag, browbeat or guilt-trip the other person into submitting to your will....

Respect.

Too often I see the nag / browbeat / guilt-trip variety of relationship in Ireland. I don't know how people live like that on an ongoing basis.

Sleepy

Would you give one of your female friends grief about having a vibrator?

Then why give someone you supposedly care more about grief for having some porn?

LegacyUser

Okay, I'm not comfortable with my bf downloading porn but I'd rather he was honest with me about it if he was. This is my opinion, and I am entitled to it. If there is an agreement in a relationship between two parties, and one of them breaks it, surely that is a problem.

You are assuming too much. I didn't nag, I asked him to explain.

I didn't guilt trip anyone, if you feel guilty, its because you did something wrong, otherwise no-one could *make* you feel guilty. Again, in my opinion.

Zombrex

annR wrote:

Just giving my opinion about him sticking to this virus story . . that's surely not going to get them anywhere.

True, but the question has to be asked if there is nothing wrong with a bit of porn, does the OP even have a right to know?

I mean this was on his own computer, he clearly doesn't want her to know, is it not private to the boyfriend?

As much as women (:D ... oh ok, men too) like to think it they don't actually a right to know everything about their partner.

Zombrex

Username789 wrote:

If there is an agreement in a relationship between two parties, and one of them breaks it, surely that is a problem.

What was the agreement?

You actually agreed that he wasn't allowed look at porn?

Username789 wrote:

You are assuming too much. I didn't nag, I asked him to explain.

If you have already agreed that looking at porn is a big no-no, then if he admits he did it he is going to be in big trouble, even if you ask him politely to admitt to it ...

You are making him feel guilty by deciding that what he did was wrong (looking at porn). I very much doubt he thinks there is much "wrong" with it

annR

>>True, but the question has to be asked if there is nothing wrong with a bit of porn, does the OP even have a right to know? <<

Well she knows now at any rate thru no fault of her own, can't turn back the clock.

Sleepy

annR, I fail to see how snooping through someones files is "through no fault of her own"...

audge

Ok, tell you what..... he's a filthy disgusting pervert, break up with him, he day dreams about having sex with porn stars, he clearly does not love you, in fact, by looking at porn, he has cheated on you mentally.......

(for what its worth, I dont mean a word of that, it just seems as though thats what you want to hear.... was your plan to gather enough posts from people on your side and then show it to him to make him feel even more in the wrong?)

I mean seriously, for god sake woman!! You are making mountains out of mole hills!!! You love him, he loves you, he hasn't cheated on you, he lives with you, he is clearly committed to you, he wants to be with you, its you he loves. You have made your feelings on the matter quite clear now just let it go or it will destroy your relationship! You do not want to break up with your boyfriend, you just want him to grovel for a bit, which I am sure he will.... so well done!

Zombrex

annR wrote:

>>True, but the question has to be asked if there is nothing wrong with a bit of porn, does the OP even have a right to know? <<

Well she knows now at any rate thru no fault of her own, can't turn back the clock.

She can not ask him again and let it drop ...

rick_fantastic

actually, there is a "virus" that will download porn on2 a pc.......

its called flashget......

Mr.Nice Guy

Username789 wrote:

I didn't guilt trip anyone, if you feel guilty, its because you did something wrong, otherwise no-one could *make* you feel guilty. Again, in my opinion.

To be guilty you must feel shame. There's no reason for your bf to feel ashamed because what he is doing is not abnormal. On the contrary, it's quite normal.

I don't get the impression he was guilty, I get the impression he was embarrassed and that he also didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I think if anyone should be ashamed here it's you. You're trying to make out that your bf did something wrong. He didn't. You shouldn't have mentioned to him that you came across it. Were you trying to make him uncomfortable? If you felt compelled to mention it, you should have done it in a calm, joking fashion.

Just let it go.:rolleyes:

UberNewb

He should be more pissed off with you! :mad:

You know that all blokes will look at porn now and then! You deliberately went to see what kind of porn he maybe/was looking at and now your trying to convince yourself that its his story about a virus is what you're anger with.

And don’t tell lies that you were just removing his temp files and happened to stumble upon them, snoopy. I expect you’re the type that would have tried to read his emails if you could! :rolleyes:

Get real girl! :cool:

LegacyUser

No real need for the insults tbh.

For info, its a shared computer, so I am allowed access to it and am allowed use it.

Anyway, all irrelevant now.

0utshined

Username789 wrote:

No real need for the insults tbh.

For info, its a shared computer, so I am allowed access to it and am allowed use it.

Anyway, all irrelevant now.

You're right, there is no need to insult you as it's clearly an issue that troubled you but would you care to explain that last remark?