Sad

LegacyUser

Hey I'm actually registered but need to come on anonymously just in case...

I have a boyfriend who I love. Or at least I was pretty sure I loved until yesterday... We always do things together and are hardly ever apart. At the moment I'm making an effort to become more independent and this has thrown someone in my path that I would never have met otherwise. His name is Robert and I don't fancy him but he planted a seed of doubt in my head. I used to think I'd be heartbroken if me and my boyfriend broke up but last night I got to thinking and, although I would be sad, in fact, inconsolable for a few weeks, I know that I'd be back on my feet. Not like before when I thought it would be the end of the world and I'd have NO-ONE at all if he left my side.

I feel more in charge of my own life but then I started thinking, what if we don't love each other all that much anymore and we're still going out just out of pure habit? How do I know? I know I love him, but I always will. I also know that I don't want to be holding a candle long after it's burned out; I don't want to make it more painful by dragging it out to a bitter end.

Can anybody help me or give me advice?

rick_fantastic

what age are u?

eden_my_ass

You've hit the nail on the head there girl. I've always suspected that a good proportion of the people you see together are together for the sake of a relationship as opposed to truely wanting to be with each other. The fact that you're asking this question makes me think you might fall into that bracket, because theres nothing wrong with you still loving the person and yet not wanting to be with them anymore.

But if came here looking for answers you're not going to find them. I think you know the answer yourself already though, so trust your own feelings and maybe have a chat with the bf, although be warned just cause you might be moving on, he might not! Best of luck

Red Alert

a relationship's a means to an end, be it happiness, warmth, friendship whatever. ask yourself this question, is it the fact that you're going out with someone or the fact that when you see them you feel carefree and warm inside and they feel the same about you what really matters to you.

a relationship's never static, and even the happiest one often will end. sometimes there's something wrong between the two people, often it's just that people grow apart. don't stay in one you're not happy in just to prolong it - in the long run he won't thank you for it either

CathyMoran

Doubt is normal in a relationship - of course you could do well without your bf, it would be tough for a few weeks but you can get over it. You could take a break for a few months to see how you feel but then your bf could meet someone else (as could you). Becoming more independent within the relationship will add more to it so hopefully that will settle things.

nobodythere

Not to say that you don't love your boyfriend, but being in a position where you feel like you'd have nobody if he was gone is not a very secure relationship. it almost seems like part of loving him is out of fear of losing him. I'm guessing that ye're very jealous and possessive in the relationship. It's only a natural reaction out of fear of losing someone.

I will say though that jealousy and possessiveness are two things that can destroy a relationship and bring out the worst in both parties.

Maybe what you need is a temporary break to think about what kind of relationship you want with him (if you want one at all). Relationships have to progress and evolve, and your life can't just revolve around his because that's an absolute recipe for disaster. People change, they change their opinions and their ways of living and relationships end because they can't adapt to these changes. Right now you're in some sort of transition and you have to decide what to do...

Best of luck

Kell

Doubts are normal. If you find yourself still doubting in a months time, get out of the relationship.

Simple.

K-

simu

<none> wrote:

I used to think I'd be heartbroken if me and my boyfriend broke up but last night I got to thinking and, although I would be sad, in fact, inconsolable for a few weeks, I know that I'd be back on my feet. Not like before when I thought it would be the end of the world and I'd have NO-ONE at all if he left my side.

Well, maybe you're beginning to have a more mature view on relationships. You should be with a person because you choose to do so and not because you fear loneliness imo. And part of growing up is facing death and seperation and coming to terms with the fact that no one, not even yourself, is around forever.

So, the question is, knowing this, do you still feel that you want to be with your present bf?

LegacyUser

Okay to answer all the questions here, I'm almost 19. I'm not possessive or jealous - he is, which causes problems. The other problem I have is that he can be controlling. Not overly so, but enough to upset me. And then when I go to talk to him about it, he brings up something he claims is is a problem in the relationship and turns the whole thing around until I'm trying to defend myself for something I know isn't wrong.

I really do love him but it feels like he thinks that if he treats me nice I'll get bored of him, so instead he's not as nice as he should be and doesn't realise that it's obviously going to affect me.

Besprechen

simu wrote:

Well, maybe you're beginning to have a more mature view on relationships. You should be with a person because you choose to do so and not because you fear loneliness imo. And part of growing up is facing death and seperation and coming to terms with the fact that no one, not even yourself, is around forever.

...hmmm, now even im startin to feel depressed!!!

seriously though, how old are ye and how long you been together?
similar happened to me, going out so long i think it became a habit, still not nice being alone again but better than being in an unhappy relationship any day.

simu

<none> wrote:

Okay to answer all the questions here, I'm almost 19. I'm not possessive or jealous - he is, which causes problems. The other problem I have is that he can be controlling. Not overly so, but enough to upset me. And then when I go to talk to him about it, he brings up something he claims is is a problem in the relationship and turns the whole thing around until I'm trying to defend myself for something I know isn't wrong.

I really do love him but it feels like he thinks that if he treats me nice I'll get bored of him, so instead he's not as nice as he should be and doesn't realise that it's obviously going to affect me.

Ah now, that's annoying! Don't let him turn the arguments around and blame you! Analyse how he manages to do this and the next time he attempts it, stop him in his tracks. Tbh, I don't know if it's possible to change people who are manipulative like that but try showing him what he does and explaining why you don't like it and that you will not put up with it.