Need some help with problem

fnmdskeg

I read a lot of posts on this board and my problem isn’t a lot different to others but I’m really, really down and cant figure it out.
I’ve suffered from depression since the age of 15 and for nearly ten years I’ve been in and out of counsellors and taking antidepressants.
Basically, stuff happened to me as a child that is the root of my problems and I don’t want to go into it.
Nobody knows what goes on in my head, what I’ve been through or just how dark my heads gets and I feel very alone.
On the outside I’m a nice guy who has his life fairly together but the truth is I cut myself when I am alone, see a counsellor and have few friends.
Lately over the last 12 months my confidence has taken quite a few knocks and relationship/woman wise its been a disaster.
Part of my problem is that I have to keep up a front all the time as I know no woman would be attracted to the dark side of me, I cant show weakness as whenever I have done in the past people have walked all over me.
I’m consumed with work and in the last year I’ve kind of cut myself off from people without deciding to do so.
Bascially, I feel I’m boring, too nice not exciting enough and it probably explains why I am not too much of a socialiser.
The fact that I have not had a serious relationship in a couple of years is another major problem for me, I have no confidence in any aspect of my life and don’t see any woman on the horizon.
I don’t know what to do, but at this point I’m just sick of being so lonely, its not normal for a bloke of 24.
I rarely go out as I have few friends and feel I don’t fit in when I’m around people, I always think people are judging me.
My mother suffers from depression and it probably doesn’t help that I live at home still.
Basically I feel like a failure in every way, and I have a huge regret over a relationship a while back that I screwed up due to my problems.
What should I do, I just feel myself dieing a little every day and I’m frustrated as I try so hard to think normally by going to see counsellors and taking tablets.
Has anyone here been in my shoes and how did they get out of it?
How do you fix self esteem and is it likely that I’ll always suffer from depression?

meow

Like you, I've suffered with depression along time; various meds, in & out of psych units, counsellors, psychiatrists, self harm, the childhood you wish never happened etc. It isn't fun, is it?

There is alot you can do.
Move out of home for one, if work comsumes you, you should have the financial resources you need to live on your own.

It sounds like your lost, like you don't know how or what makes you happy.
What do you enjoy? Whats your passion? Is there anything you'd like to give a shot but been too afraid/busy to do?

If your isolated, the logical answer is to unisolate yourself.
Check whats in your area, what would you be willing to do? Any team sports, groups, clubs, drama, courses, crafts... anything that means interaction. You don't necessarily have to like it at first but the point is to widen your interests and your social circle.

Your counsellor and your meds-- maybe one or both aren't working for you anymore? Maybe you need a change? What do you think?

I'd say knock relationships on the had for awhile, its important to get yourself sorted. You don't need another person to make you happy or complete.

as I know no woman would be attracted to the dark side of me

I'm female, your age and I can tell you the dark side of a man is more terrifying to me than attractive!

How do you fix self esteem

Its something you work on, there is no magical line that says you're fixed. I used to think that too.

You sound like a nice person, but in pain.
It doesn't always have to be that way.
You're the only one with the power to change that.

LegacyUser

Everything that you've explained, I have been there, and even worse! Since about 16 I became very unhappy with everything. Slowly things then got worse and I didn't even see it happening until much later in life. At about 19 I became housebound for 3 and a half years because of my unhappiness. Looking back now the 3 and a half years was so fast and feels more like 3 months but during it, it was hell. The more I couldn't go out the more distant from life I became. After about 1 and half years I was lost from this life. Everyday was a nightmare, a living hell. I wasn't able to meet people, talk to people, and the only person I ever saw and was able to talk to was my family. After 3 years I thought it was all over and I was so switched off from life, I didn't have a clue what to do. I honestly thought I would be like that forever. Then I got help. I am 25 now, and it has taking the last 3 years to rebuild my life. The first year was hell, the got a little better in the 2nd year, and for the last year and a bit things have been great. Have everything I've always dreamed of, great job, my own business, new car every year and money. And I will tell you this, it feels fu*king great, because noone gave it to me, but me! I came from being housebound, wanting to die, no life, no friends and living in fear of life, living in hell. Right now I am about 80% there, I think to myself that I have about 20% more to go to have a perfect world/life. I'll get there slowly, each day is a huge step closer.
Lots of things you said though, are exactly what I felt in my head, and some I still feel now.
If you wanna chat, then I can give you my email addy if you wanted and talk about it! Believe me, everything you feel, I have been there, and am still there a tiny bit.
My name is Jordan. Reply to me if you want. If not, take care!

Nu-shooz

I would like to recommend a book which I found to be invaluable during a very deep period of depression. I can understand that you may not feel too enthusiastic about reading anything right now, but there's no harm in giving it a go.

It's called "The Noonday Demon " by Andrew Solomon, here's a link to his site where you can browse some of the chapters online :

http://www.noondaydemon.com/biography.html

Now, I'm not saying this book has all the answers, but if you want to learn a bit more about how/why you're feeling like you do and some useful coping skills, then it's a worthwhile investment.

All the best.