Top Tips

kittenkiller · 08-10-2005 4:34pm #1

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods.
Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen.
Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine?
Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body?
Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out at 90 degrees , wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches.
This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically.
This should help the car start and snd them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply
shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Anyone else have any tips for the general public?

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2005 5:08pm

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

LOOK 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

NEXT time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. They'll make Sainsburys feel like your own living room.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

DON'T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

OLD folks. Avoid confusion between these new 'microwave' ovens and televisions by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven.

TEENAGERS. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know exactly where to find them if you want a quick look.

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air- filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably.

RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Use sand instead of sugar in your tea. Can be re-used many times, and has far fewer calories.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicator lights for you so that other motorists know where the **** you're going.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years' time.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out of the ceiling at night.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

NEVER attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

I SLEEP with my house key under my tongue, and I never suffer from cramp.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

GIVE your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to carefully pull at your lower eyelids.

WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

PENSIONERS. Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still sound asleep in bed.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again, this time carrying your pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight. (If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for the weight of the bowl and the water).

MUMS! when clearing up after a children's party, always burst balloons before throwing them away. This way you use far fewer dustbin liners.

HOLIDAYMAKERS. Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure.

PLASTIC tops from smartie tubes make ideal Frisbees for a pet gerbil, or hamster.

OLD folks. Foil the VAT man this winter by clambering up on top of a bookcase, cupboard or wardrobe. Warm air rises, and so the temperature will increase the higher you climb.

MAKE a miniature 'mouse trap' for flies by using a spring- loaded wooden clothes peg, baited with a winnit. (whatever a winnit is???)

FUN-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for dwarfs.

GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.

PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.

PREVENT your car from being stolen from the Logica car park by attaching a 3ft metal/plastic stick to the steering wheel. For best results, use a blue car.

BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields to get jam instead of honey.

PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30.

KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers.

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2005 5:09pm

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
J B Cartland, Brighton.

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T., Thropton.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens, Birmingham.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased."
Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
dispenser at cocktail parties.
L Traintu, Clarkesville.

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.
Charles Holley, Newcastle.

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner, Liverpool L17.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
D. Treloar, Wandsworth.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson, Skipton.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes, Middlesex.

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock, London.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever
you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
D. Griffiths, Kent.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
sex without waking her up.
Frank Wilson, Southend.

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
****e at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
D Thresher, Wapping.

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.
N. Burke, Manchester.

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
such emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
the road.
D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
planes home.
S Goblin, Middlesex.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
out.
Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.
M Burridge, Newcastle.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P Raker, Chatham.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
B Morgan, Criccieth.

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham, Didford.

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
P Loft, Gateshead.

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey, Essex.

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson, York.

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply
gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee.
A. Sharp, Birmingham.

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by
making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each
temple.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a
few **** mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and
easier to smuggle into the toilet.
Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you
on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the
blame.
Bastien Phelp, Bath.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe
and a cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer, Little Bighorn.

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Neil Davis, e-mail.

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding
irons.
J.T. Thropton.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.
J.T. Thropton.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
Simone Glover, Tottenham.

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2005 6:14pm

BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means
they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
R Bowen

HIGH blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut
yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins
N. Rodwell
Herne Bay, Kent

MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get
rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp
to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
A. Feather
Caterham

DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that
your dog is well trained by ordering it to do
whatever it happens to be doing already.
J. Kay
Elem, N.P.

I'VE just seen a film where, after a plane crashed
in some mountains, the passengers had to eat each
other in order to survive. All well and good, but
what do the airlines expect vegetarians like myself
to do in similar circumstances? Could scientists
clone 'vegetable people', I wonder, a few of whom
could travel on every flight to provide a vegetarian
alternative to cannibalism in case of disaster.
E. Mullion
Haymarket, Edinburgh

MUMS. A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of
children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly
around supermarkets.
J. Tait
Thropton

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing
ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it
embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical -
leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and staying warm
are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler
and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.
Mr A. Cream
Rotherham

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries,
sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of
black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats
in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on
their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.
R. Crosbie
Cheltenham

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs
and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by
placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with
heavy duty tape.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

PREVENT bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing
each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around
the stem with a clothes pin.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

DISAPPOINT wasps this summer by smearing cold tea on your
ears instead of honey.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

EMPTY cereal packets make ideal holders for old toilet roll tubes and
milk bottle tops which one should never throw away as they are most
handy, and have a variety of uses.
Mrs A. Ellis
Wrexham

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists.
Mrs P. Hamilton
Arbroath

WHEN buying toilet tissue I always unwind each roll carefully and
number the sheets individually using a Biro or felt-tipped pen.
Mrs Howard
Bingley

MY husband and I save pounds every year on household wear and tear
by living in a tent in the garden.
Mrs. I. Stokes
Potters Bar

HANG a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of
your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass
through will remind you to close the door behind you.
Mrs A. Ellis
Wrexham

WEIGH toilet rolls on your kitchen scales and record their weight after
each visit to the toilet. On each occasion deduct the new weight from
their previous weight. The figure remaining will be the exact weight of
toilet tissue which you have used on that particular 'visit'.
Mrs Howard
Bingley

STOP nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by
stealthily crawling around the house on all fours.
D. E. Blancharde
Fragsthorpe

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2005 6:19pm

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT ****ing one.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.