Misinterpretation - Has this ever happened to anyone else?

simu

Has anyone ever thought that because you are a bit reserved, you are being snobbish or hostile?

I have learned that 2 people that I come in contact with every now and then have interpreted my efforts not to bother them much and to stay out of their way as an affront. It came a surprise to me and I don't think they have any rational reason to think this. I am polite to them whenever I bump into them but that's about it as I have no great desire to engage in long conversations with them.

I'm curious what boards users' thoughts on this might be! I'd like to hear from both those who might fall into my camp and the camp of my "accusers" (!) because that could help me to judge whether these acquaintances of mine are being unreasonable or not!

Thanks!

Mr.Nice Guy

I'm a pretty quiet guy mostly and in the past, alot of people who met me for the first time thought that I didn't like them and was being rude by not saying much. I'd have my friends of mine moaning at me for not being more sociable.

I don't really suffer from that any more though as I tend to try asking lots of questions nowadays and focusing the conversation on the other person. There's a saying that a person's favourite topic of conversation is themselves and I do go along with that.

I've since had people tell me that I'm a great conversationalist - even though I've been speaking maybe 30% of the time and been simply asking questions and showing an interest.

Perhaps you would benefit from doing the same from now on.

jellie

im sometimes afraid to say hi to people ive only met once or twice incase they dont remember me and i end up looking silly, but im also afraid that i might just end up looking like a b***h for ignoring them!

Sarky

How well do they know you?

I get the same as well from people I "come in contact with every now and then". Well, to be honest, it's more of a "he's a bit odd" reaction than "so you think you're better than me?" one, but only a bit more. I've been "accused" of being a dark horse or standoffish more than a few times.

People who've gotten to know me well over a couple of years or more are different. They understand that if I don't talk much to them, it's because I don't really have anything new to say, or I think they're busy and I'd only get in the way. It's nothing personal, if they want my company, they just have to give me a call and I'll happily pop over to talk, listen, offer emotional support, or whatever.

I dunno, maybe it is unreasonable of them. But so is seeking constant contact with the same people. A little break is good. Makes you appreciate people a bit more when they show up again...

Riamfada

I had the same problem a while back. I just did exactly what Mr Nice Guy did and things got alot better. Made alot of friends to. Try to me more outgoing

simu

Sarky wrote:

How well do they know you?

They barely know me at all tbh. That's why I find it so weird that they've jumped to this conclusion. Have they nothing better to be doing?

simu

Grimes wrote:

I had the same problem a while back. I just did exactly what Mr Nice Guy did and things got alot better. Made alot of friends to. Try to me more outgoing

Yeah, I guess I'll have to. I can't avoid them altogether and they might get even odder and more paranoid if I don't try something. Bah! It still sucks that I have to be the one who makes the effort because they believe the universe revloves around them or sth! :mad:

Riamfada

It sounds like your not to fond of these people? If you dont like em give em the hump. If your being quite people will think that your odd or hostile

Sarky

simu wrote:

They barely know me at all tbh. That's why I find it so weird that they've jumped to this conclusion. Have they nothing better to be doing?

Probably not.

My advice, quite frankly, is that if they think that highly of themselves, f*ck 'em. I have little tolerance for those who form instant opinions on no evidence, and have no problems telling such people that.

Of course, you're not me, so feel free to ignore it and have a successful social life...

simu

Grimes wrote:

It sounds like your not to fond of these people? If you dont like em give em the hump. If your being quite people will think that your odd or hostile

Well, I had nothing against them before - I just didn't have a major urge to get to know them more. But now, I'm pretty dismayed/annoyed/freaked out by them tbh. But I can hide such things!

They are unavoidable.

nobodythere

Yes! HELL YES! people take offense to me when I first meet them, simply because I don't talk. I'm not being a snobby bastard, I wouldn't insult you with the whole "What course are you doing? Lovely day sure tisn't it. Ara shur 'tis. Did ya go out last night? Oh yeah sure twas a grand night sure wasn't i well fúcked shur" thing.

I don't know you, we're not going to have a good conversation unless we find a common interest so I'm just going to shut up. If you talk about something interesting I'll probably join in. I'm not gonna chime in on a conversation just to be more sociable. I hate these little traditions - it gives me a headache having to talk ****e to a load of new people every day. It makes me so ANGRY at the world if I have to spend an hour talking ****e to new people who are just being oh-so-sociable. One of the downsides to starting college.

</rant> ba da bing, ba da boom

Sharza-

Well, ill be honest Simu, ive only read a half dozen of your posts, but even in those I did get a feeling you were a bit snobish. I mean that in the least offensive way, but its my honest opinion. I dont know what it is, but its the way you show your opinion, dunno what it is, but your posts allways seem to have a condescending air. I wouldn't hold it against you of course since this is just text on the internet, but still thats how it appears

The Sweeper

People tend to find me rather odd when they meet me. They also tend to be very wary of me and can be quite unpleasant/standoffish as a result. I most definitely don't get invited to all the trendy parties. I'm just a little too sharp, a little too bright and a little too blunt for most peoples liking.

Then again, why should I change?

The most difficult thing to deal with is usually your own affront that people appear to unreasonable dislike you. Once you're past that you'll be fine.

Talliesin

If you were less reserved then some people would think you were a bit overbearing. You can't match everyone's level in this regard.

Jonny Arson

Sharza- wrote:

Well, ill be honest Simu, ive only read a half dozen of your posts, but even in those I did get a feeling you were a bit snobish. I mean that in the least offensive way, but its my honest opinion. I dont know what it is, but its the way you show your opinion, dunno what it is, but your posts allways seem to have a condescending air. I wouldn't hold it against you of course since this is just text on the internet, but still thats how it appears

Sorry but how can you judge people about what they are like on the internet? Yes there are people on the net who we all think are stuck up but unless they are complete d!ckheads like being complete assholes to other posters, you cannot be in a position to judge people on their posts. Even on this site there are alot of users who have this impression that I'm a complete d!ckhead (which is completely untrue BTW) simply because I have an opinion on certain things. Judge the post not the poster.

Simu we all encounter situations like this. Too many people make judgements about people without knowing the individual at hand. IMO people who make pre-conceptions about people are the ones with the problem. Sure we all have opinions about people but what's extremely common in society today is the individuals who let these pre-conceptions interfere with how they interact with that person.

For example touching on something what Mr. Nice Guy said, I used to be very shy. I've come out of my shell alot in the past couple of years but some people who have known me from that time hardly talk to me about things they normally would with anyone else. They have this pre-conception that I'm still shy and this results in me being ignored in conversations within large groups of friends which in turn I get the impression from them that they think I'm being stuck up because I'm not part of the regular flow of conversation with which I'm being left out of. Unbelievable. I'm more outgoing and confident with people who I've got to know recently than people who I've known for many years simply based on their pre-concepted attitude towards me.

Don't let it bother you. They are the ones with the problem.

simu

Sharza- wrote:

Well, ill be honest Simu, ive only read a half dozen of your posts, but even in those I did get a feeling you were a bit snobish. I mean that in the least offensive way, but its my honest opinion. I dont know what it is, but its the way you show your opinion, dunno what it is, but your posts allways seem to have a condescending air. I wouldn't hold it against you of course since this is just text on the internet, but still thats how it appears

OMG - you're one of them!!!!!!!!!one

Larianne

Simu,

I used to get it all the time!!! Esp in college. I was shy when I was younger so that has contributed to me being more of a listener in conversations. Some people in college, actually alot in my class thought I was a snob/aloof/stand offish. News to me!!! I am a reserved person but would not consider myself any of those things.

I found out about my classmates opinions of me while working together on a production. We were all stuck together for hours on end for nearly 3 months..so they got to know me... a funny, honest, intelligent person. They just realised that I did my work in college and gave an opinion when it was worthwhile and not just for the sake of speaking!!

To be honest, people who make such a quick judgement of you aren't worth worrying about or getting to know! Don't worry about it Simu.

Lafortezza

If you are going to be so concerned about other peoples impressions of you as to make a thread, then maybe you should consider why they might get a negative first impression. Maybe you don't smile, don't make eye contact, dismiss their attempts at conversation and basically look as if you don't want to be there.

If you don't actually care why very casual acquaintances think you're snobby/hostile/standoffish, then carry on as usual!

Sangre

grasshopa wrote:

I don't know you, we're not going to have a good conversation unless we find a common interest so I'm just going to shut up. If you talk about something interesting I'll probably join in. I'm not gonna chime in on a conversation just to be more sociable. I hate these little traditions.

How the hell do you expect to find a common interest with someone unless you talk to them about the obvious things in life, that usually everyone has experience e.g. college, work, sport, music, holidays etc.,?
Do you expect people to start listing their interest until you find one you like and then join in?
Man, you must be a hoot at parties!

Zane from MTV2 wrote:

They have this pre-conception that I'm still shy and this results in me being ignored in conversations within large groups of friends which in turn I get the impression from them that they think I'm being stuck up because I'm not part of the regular flow of conversation with which I'm being left out of. Unbelievable. I'm more outgoing and confident with people who I've got to know recently than people who I've known for many years simply based on their pre-concepted attitude towards me.

How can you be ignored in a conversation? Do you expect people to stop a flowing conversation, turn to you and say 'Zane...what do you think of the geo-political situation in Iraq, you'r e being awfull subdued!'
If you want to join a conversation, join it.

To Simu;
People make judgements on people, everyone does it and in a way it can be useful in getting to know people or even avoiding poeple you think are dangerous. People aren't going to stop doing so just pretend like they're not doing.
Just always act yourself, some people will like you and some won't.
Trying to please everybody all the time is a sure fire way of being Johnny-no-mates!

Nevyn

Some people just are not that intresting.
Or thier views on things just are not compatible with mine.
There is a big difference between people who are aquantices, friends and
your close personal firends.
Just because you bump into people and say hi to them does not mean
you should or need to adopt them into your life hear all the nitty gritty details
or share all the nitty gritty details of yours.

Yes there are people I would like to get to know better and have them
as closer firends but they live to fat away or we all have busy lives.

Alot of people don't see the differnce between the type of friend you may go drinking with and those that you invite into your life and your home.

You cant just go yoinking people into your life and imposing on them just
because you think you are or should be better friends with them cos they are fun or cool or intresting that is so rude and intrusive.

People have thier own lifes and make thier own choices.

If this pair of self grandising muppet have take umbrage that you have
not clasped them to your bossom in undying firendship well then really no
wonder you have not become better friends with them thier ego is in the way.

Friend of a friend and in your socail circle does not make for those types of
bonds.

Thier issue, thier problem don't let them cause you stress over it.
If they start playing silly buggers with friends in common do say to your friends and to them that they are being churlish and childish.

Sangre

The fact they mentioned it to your friend probably means they were trying to find out if it were true i.e. they knew they hardly know you but wanted to see if their opinion was true or not.

nobodythere

Sangre wrote:

How the hell do you expect to find a common interest with someone unless you talk to them about the obvious things in life, that usually everyone has experience e.g. college, work, sport, music, holidays etc.,?
Do you expect people to start listing their interest until you find one you like and then join in?
Man, you must be a hoot at parties!

Firstly, usually if I go to a party it's with close friends, I prefer it that way. I'm not talking about someone who you'll end up hanging around with for a few hours, I mean if you're walking up the street with a friend and they stop to talk to someone you have never met before.

nobodythere

Sangre wrote:

To Simu;
People make judgements on people, everyone does it and in a way it can be useful in getting to know people or even avoiding poeple you think are dangerous. People aren't going to stop doing so just pretend like they're not doing.
Just always act yourself, some people will like you and some won't.
Trying to please everybody all the time is a sure fire way of being Johnny-no-mates!

Excellent advice.

democrates

If you're saying nothing people can get uncomfortable. They know you are watching and listening, but you give no feedback. Furthermore as you say little, they are in the dark as to what kind of person you are, so some might fear you are sitting there making negative judgements. They are wrong to jump to conclusions but you don't help yourself by being aloof. It's easy to be friendly, just be yourself as others have said, but if you couldn't be bothered trying at best they're going to report "could try harder". If they had tried to engage you and got little back, they may even feel snubbed and label you accordingly.

It would do no harm to check out How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie, some good tips there.
I was lucky enough to have seen that years ago, and the one that struck me most was "genuine interest in other people". At first I didn't like the idea of feigning interest, there I was basking in my Mensa membership status, and the stuff many people came out with didn't seem worthy of my 'superior' brains consideration. But on deeper reflection I didn't like one bit of what my attitude said about me, and I realised it is more important for society and for my own wellbeing to be a decent respectful social person rather than smug, aloof, and eventually out of touch in self-imposed exile in an ivory tower as I would have deserved for being such an assh0le.

An interest in psychology helped, so I began to ask people questions and was actually interested in their answers. Why did people hold certain views? What were the formative events in their background? What were their hopes for the future? How did they deal with adversity? Without sounding like a dry psychiatrist it is easy to engage people on these topics, and I found evenings getting a lot more interesting. Also I noticed I gained broader popularity as a side-effect. People enjoyed talking about themselves and their lives for once rather than the usual superficial niceties, and came back for more. It wasn't all one-sided, I got to talk about myself too, got very interesting feedback, a comfortable sense of solidarity and found out I was more normal that I had realised. All good!

Just watch out for the whiney latchers though. Some people are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed. They don't want help, they just want to drag you down because misery loves company! You'll find out quick enough whether they're on a never-ending 'poor me' crusade and not trying to solve problems by listening to your advice.

Give women full lattitude in this though, usually they just want to feel that someone understands their dfficulties, that they're not stuggling in solitude. They're not typically looking for solutions. By all means listen, and if necessary budget a time limit so it isn't a trial for you. The best thing is to be a decent skin and give the poor cherub what they want - "that must be very difficult for you" - and be ready for the water works if some upset has been building up in them for some time. Then you'll find it easy to bring it back to the positive - "I think you're great for handling it all so well, you should be proud of yourself, actually you deserve a reward!" (hug and kiss if appropriate) "Now tell me, if you won the lotto what would you do?". You'll feel good for helping, as the song goes "you only get what you give".

In the long term acquaintances come and go but friends stand the test of time only if they are sufficiently compatible. It also helps if you believe we are all born with a right to a happy life, and can empathise with the trials of life that people endure. If you are generally happy in yourself and would like others to be happy that comes accross in your body language. Let your emotions flow, vary your tone of voice, use your hands like an Italian (not referring to the groping and the pinching of buttocks here), be passionate and dramatic, in short, make conversation interesting for yourself, be a human and others will respond. Make space for inane and funny conversations too, we're here to enjoy life after all, and a balance is always good.

But there are all sorts in the world. I've also had some blazing rows with people when I felt it appropriate. I deliberately didn't follow Dale Carnegie on those occasions, because these individuals were smug with their own lives and deliberately pushing buttons to get a rise out of what they mistook as an easy target (knowing certain strong views they were basically trolling for their own entertainment with no worries about p1ssing me off), so I obliged, but by pushing their buttons and then laughed when I successfully got them all fired up (it actually worries me a bit that vengance feels so joyous). A diplomat would bottle up their emotions and say the 'right' thing, and some people pride themselves on appearing unflappable, but pent up emotions are a stress and that is bad for you, I find it actually feels better to let lash and go on the attack if someone deserves it, instant and effective. Then you naturally feel positive again because you have vented and got your own back, and can enjoy being in touch with your emotions yet socially robust while the smug antagonist will tread more carefully in the future. That's the dark side right there, hardly the better angels of one's nature, but for me it's all part of being a complete male in this varied world.

There's an advanced sanction too. Best laugh ever was on holidays with my bro's, and this obnoxious sh1t came up and went on with a load of condescending insulting crap! He got zero reaction and left, and when the bro's asked me why didn't I say anything to him I just replied "If I said something he might improve. His punishment will be to remain as he is." We laughed our asses off.

But know your audience, I've been damn careful having deep personal conversations with heroin addicts on two seperate occasions on the bus after asking them to stop with the foil as well as others who could flare up if provoked. Maybe I'm naive, but I think from the conversations I've helped some of these poor souls with insights and hope, at the very least they had someone to talk to for a bit who respected their human dignity. This is still a work in progress, and always will be, people and their interactions are just fascinating. My advice - enjoy people, enjoy life, and always be true to yourself.

WhiteWashMan

i dont feel the need to ask a lot of personal questions about people, so i tend to be labeled as stand-offish.
its because i dont like discussing myself with people, and i merely reciprocate by not asking any.
but i have enough ego on board to not worry about what people think of me.

democrates

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i dont feel the need to ask a lot of personal questions about people, so i tend to be labeled as stand-offish.
its because i dont like discussing myself with people, and i merely reciprocate by not asking any.
but i have enough ego on board to not worry about what people think of me.

It takes all sorts to make up a world, there's no 'one size fits all'. Deep personal stuff is something I personally find interesting, that's not everyone's bag but then no-one is devoid of interests.

An observation if i may be so bold, some of the people who have posted here sharing the experience of having been labelled as stand-offish for not engaging in conversation have colossal post-counts. Clearly the ability to engage in interesting conversation is there, but it seems to get switched off in a face to face situation.

My own experience of transitioning from stand-offish to more open and approachable has been rewarding. When I meet a knew person I know they are doing so too, so I try to put them at ease. I see it as an opportunity to have a bit off fun and discover, everyone has a story to tell. By being more open socially i've become happier and more complete, in short as a more active social participant you become a better person, and a world of better people makes a better world.

Didn't happen overnight, it was one step at a time, and there were some mis-steps when I expected people to agree with a point when it would in fairness require a course of lectures to get them through all the knowledge and analyses to that conclusion. Also you come accross people who are pig ignorant, racist, etc, and they seem determined to avoid any chance of a worthwhile conversation, so you just move on. But overall, ever since i decided to open up and relate to people I meet I've travelled a long way and i'm glad I did.

Given the robust egos and lack of fear of what others think, where's the risk in being more open and sociable? Seems to me that it's a win-win situation, quiet people have plenty to offer, as well as gain. It's the social equivalent of choosing between free trade and protectionism. Why not jump in there and enjoy! Yes it's more difficult for men who can tend to be lone wolves, but imho the rewards are totally worth it.

Tar.Aldarion

simu wrote:

I have learned that 2 people that I come in contact with every now and then have interpreted my efforts not to bother them much and to stay out of their way as an affront.

At first,when you moved in, Cassy thought that you didn't like her and Eanna.It's just because you are a quiet person but when people get to know you then find out you are a lovely person etc. Don't worry about it, if they don't know you well it doesn't matter what they think.Some people just take somebody being quiet as an offence because they are the opposite and if they aren't talking to somebody it means they don't like them or are upset with them.

WhiteWashMan

democrates wrote:

It takes all sorts to make up a world, there's no 'one size fits all'. Deep personal stuff is something I personally find interesting, that's not everyone's bag but then no-one is devoid of interests.

An observation if i may be so bold, some of the people who have posted here sharing the experience of having been labelled as stand-offish for not engaging in conversation have colossal post-counts. Clearly the ability to engage in interesting conversation is there, but it seems to get switched off in a face to face situation.

My own experience of transitioning from stand-offish to more open and approachable has been rewarding. When I meet a knew person I know they are doing so too, so I try to put them at ease. I see it as an opportunity to have a bit off fun and discover, everyone has a story to tell. By being more open socially i've become happier and more complete, in short as a more active social participant you become a better person, and a world of better people makes a better world.

Didn't happen overnight, it was one step at a time, and there were some mis-steps when I expected people to agree with a point when it would in fairness require a course of lectures to get them through all the knowledge and analyses to that conclusion. Also you come accross people who are pig ignorant, racist, etc, and they seem determined to avoid any chance of a worthwhile conversation, so you just move on. But overall, ever since i decided to open up and relate to people I meet I've travelled a long way and i'm glad I did.

Given the robust egos and lack of fear of what others think, where's the risk in being more open and sociable? Seems to me that it's a win-win situation, quiet people have plenty to offer, as well as gain. It's the social equivalent of choosing between free trade and protectionism. Why not jump in there and enjoy! Yes it's more difficult for men who can tend to be lone wolves, but imho the rewards are totally worth it.

oh no.
i think you misunderstand what i am saying. i can engage in conversation with anyone, and im certainly not shy. i will talk to anyone, and can have a discussion on pretty much anything, or listen when i have no knowledge.

im merely saying that people tend to think im stand-offish because i dont tend to reveal things about myself, nor do i ask any. people tend to take that as some sort of non-interest.

sometimes though, when you dont give any details at all, people make assumptions, mis-read the situation, or just plain make things up, and generally end up over-analysing a pretty simple situation.
much like your last post

democrates

WhiteWashMan wrote:

oh no.
i think you misunderstand what i am saying. i can engage in conversation with anyone, and im certainly not shy. i will talk to anyone, and can have a discussion on pretty much anything, or listen when i have no knowledge.

im merely saying that people tend to think im stand-offish because i dont tend to reveal things about myself, nor do i ask any. people tend to take that as some sort of non-interest.

sometimes though, when you dont give any details at all, people make assumptions, mis-read the situation, or just plain make things up, and generally end up over-analysing a pretty simple situation.
much like your last post

No worries, most of my post was about my own general approach, I try to avoid making any assumptions about specific cases. In your case it's just personal issues that you avoid discussing and I'm in no position to make any assumptions as to why that is (when I've lived your life I'll judge you), and though it would be interesting to me I wouldn't pursue that point here or socially because you've said clearly you don't want to go there, so I totally respect your wishes.

Given that threads have more readers than posters I offer my own experience with some explanation because there's a chance someone else might get something out of it, and the observation about post counts vs social interaction level uses the word 'seem' deliberately to leave it to readers to decide how much if at all it applies to them, and hopefully to respond with more information thus furthering the conversation as you have done. Anyone reading your reply can see that you're neither 100% open or closed, like us all it's shades of grey, that you're generally very open and an interesting person to converse with.

Also I'm not assuming I've got it sussed better than anyone else here, that would be arrogant, I humbly harvest threads for value and if my post is of benefit to someone else or elicits a response with a new point I didn't have before, mission accomplished.

nobodythere

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

At first,when you moved in, Cassy thought that you didn't like her and Eanna.It's just because you are a quiet person but when people get to know you then find out you are a lovely person etc. Don't worry about it, if they don't know you well it doesn't matter what they think.Some people just take somebody being quiet as an offence because they are the opposite and if they aren't talking to somebody it means they don't like them or are upset with them.

Methinks me and Simu are a lot alike, I tend to give off that impression to people when I first met them. Naturally, as I've grown older I've learned some social skills. I've learned to click with people faster... and I don't really like being that way.

First of all, I keep my close friends VERY close. I click with them very well and can always talk to them about anything, or just sit comfortably in their presence without saying a word. No problem. If I start being able to click so instantly with everyone else, I feel like it takes away the special bonds of friendship that I have with everyone else. It also makes me feel as if there's not much to me. If I can share myself so easily with everyone then there can't be THAT MUCH to me.

Zillah

Irish people are so used to having a pointless chat. I always thought of myself as someone who spurned the whole "chatting" thing, but an encounter with some americans really messed with my head.

Recently I had reason to spend some time with a family from Boston. And my Irish habits took over. I chatted with them. They didn't really respond. At first I thought they were being haughty and didn't like me, but as time went on I realised they just weren't used to having pointless conversations for the sake of it... When they had reason to speak with me they did, and they were polite, friendly and downright courteous. But for a long time I was sure they were just rude...

LegacyUser

"Has anyone ever thought that because you are a bit reserved, you are being snobbish or hostile?

I have learned that 2 people that I come in contact with every now and then have interpreted my efforts not to bother them much and to stay out of their way as an affront. It came a surprise to me and I don't think they have any rational reason to think this. I am polite to them whenever I bump into them but that's about it as I have no great desire to engage in long conversations with them.

I'm curious what boards users' thoughts on this might be! I'd like to hear from both those who might fall into my camp and the camp of my "accusers" (!) because that could help me to judge whether these acquaintances of mine are being unreasonable or not!

Thanks!"

For the general readers - we are the two people that simu has been referring to. She doesn't come in contact with us "Every now and then" - she has been living in our flat rent free for the past three months.

On no level can you call being ignored "being polite". When she first started dating my friend (the reason she's been living here), myself and Margaret made an effort to get to know her, but, as time went on, we gave up on this as their was no reciprication.


"They barely know me at all tbh. That's why I find it so weird that they've jumped to this conclusion. Have they nothing better to be doing?"

We have plenty better to be doing. However, you hide in my friend's room when he's not there and we are - you make no effort to interact with us. We don't need deep, meaningful conversations on world debt or feminism, but we would appreciate that we are acknowledged. Is this so much to ask for? How difficult is it to say "how are you?" Or "how has your day been?" to housmates?


"Yeah, I guess I'll have to. I can't avoid them altogether and they might get even odder and more paranoid if I don't try something. Bah! It still sucks that I have to be the one who makes the effort because they believe the universe revloves around them or sth! "

You have not made any effort. And insulting us here on a public open forum is not the best way to win our friendship. We have tried to make an effort with you and have given up long since because it was pointless. The universe does not revolve around us, but we would like to be acknowledged by a "guest" in our home.

How do you think finding this post makes us feel? Instead of approaching us like a grownup, you choose to post for sympathy on a public forum.

"Well, I had nothing against them before - I just didn't have a major urge to get to know them more. But now, I'm pretty dismayed/annoyed/freaked out by them tbh. But I can hide such things!

They are unavoidable."

You didn't have a major urge to get to know us? THAT is ridiculous - we are friends with and share a flat with your SO - was that not reason enough to make an effort when you first moved in? As for us being unavoidable - of course we are when you're living gratis in our home. You say that you're annoyed and freaked out - how do you think we feel?

And no, you can't hide such things. If you could then we wouldn't have found this post.

Neil and Margaret

pickarooney

At first,when you moved in, Cassy thought that you didn't like her and Eanna

Neil and Margaret

2 people that I come in contact with every now and then

she has been living in our flat rent free for the past three months

Are you sure she's actually talking about you?

sutty

Well to be honest Simu, yeah it does sound like you are being a bit of a snob. From what you have posted, it makes it seem like you feel you need to bring your-self down to their level. You shouldn't have make an effort to talk to people you meet every once in a while as you put it. If you are meeting them often enough, a conversation should just start and finish. Simple as that. If you feel you need to motavate your self to talk to them. Then why talk to them at all. Just let them know that your not being rude, they are just not they type of people you talk to.

Then again if they are the people who posted above, your not in a good position and ether are they.

Tar.Aldarion

pickarooney wrote:

Are you sure she's actually talking about you?

She doesn't live with them, i have no idea what that lovely post is about.

Gandhi

democrates wrote:

An observation if i may be so bold, some of the people who have posted here sharing the experience of having been labelled as stand-offish for not engaging in conversation have colossal post-counts. Clearly the ability to engage in interesting conversation is there, but it seems to get switched off in a face to face situation.

Interesting point. I have always pictured the people with large post counts as being loud and obnoxious, but as you observed, apparently not.
I have pretty pathetic post count myself, but out in the real world, nobody would describe me as quiet.

Most of the people who have a problem with me, it is more a case of "Would that b****x ever shut his mouth for two f***ing minutes!!!"

You can't please all the people all the time, I suppose.

Back on topic, if I moved in with Simu's room-mates for a few weeks, they might be begging to have her back for some peace and quite...

LegacyUser

The previous post was one that was made as a result of hurt and anger. Both Neil and I were surprised when we found this thread, and felt extremely hurt. After making the previous post, we talked with Simu and her SO. It wasn't pretty, but both sides have discussed their differences, felt grievances and annoyances at the other party; and we are all starting again on a clean slate. So to speak.

(In case you are wondering, neither of us uses boards on a regular basis, and don't have profiles. Hence the reason for the unregistered posts.)

We would appreciate, however, if people would refrain from giving their two cents from now on this issue, unless they have heard both sides of the argument. Ignorant discussion, without knowing all of the facts, will just result in upsetting both parties.

Thanks,

Neil & Margaret

Faye

Simu, this is something that has happened to me on many occasions. And strangely enough, always has the capacity to upset me! While I am getting better at differentiating between those whose opinion matter to me and those whose I should simply chose to ignore - it still stings.

At the end of the day though, you know yourself better than anyone else and it’s not a case of who is in your camp or not. If you are comfortable with the way you behave, then that’s the way to behave, regardless of what others say. We cant always be ‘on view’ personality wise to everyone, so I guess people will make mistakes and judge us without knowing us. Sharza’s post was her opinion, which was what you asked for initially, and I don’t believe she was judging you, she was just saying it like she saw it. It doesn’t mean that it is how you are.

I have found that surrounding my self with friends who know and love me (warts and all) gets me grounded. It allows me to see ‘the real me’ and not be side-swiped by an opinion of me that is not valid.

One last thing, I was intrigued once when someone told me that we only react to things that we fear. For example, if someone was to say to me that I was stupid, that wouldnt bother me because I am fully aware of my own intelligence. However if someone said to me that my method of parenting was way off, then I would worry, because deep down it is a part of me with which I'm not confident. Perhaps its a way for each of us to check out why some things bother us and others dont. Just a thought.

Faye

I totally missed your initial post there Democrates, I’m glad I caught it on the rebound. Thoroughly enjoyed it. May even copy and paste it for future perusal!

bug

simu wrote:

They barely know me at all tbh. That's why I find it so weird that they've jumped to this conclusion. Have they nothing better to be doing?

yes they have nothing better to be doing.
Its work, its somewhere you operate for at least eight hours a day because you have to be there.
Also you have to work and concentrate while your there.
I say hello to everyone, but if I spoke to them all,I would never get anything done.

I think you should throw a little work in their direction.:)

How did this come up, was it in conversation on a night out or other?

nesf

Through me bug.


Matter dealt with etc.

Man, and I try to keep my personal life off here for the most part...

Tar.Aldarion

Scandal! I say,Scandal!! (:

Boards knows all and sees all.

simu

Eh, my original post was based on events I was experiencing and the reason I posted it was not for sympathy but to get ideas on how people are misinterpreted. I deliberately made it a bit vague to keep it anonymous. I did not think the people involved would see it and it is unfortunate that they have however some of the accusations they have made against me are untrue and tbh I think their first post ought to be removed for that reason.

Meh.

Beruthiel

this thread can be closed whenever you wish
also
this is probably not the place for any of ye to be having this conversation, why not take it to real life...?

Tar.Aldarion

Seems they have and this thread is over.

Neil & Mags wrote:

After making the previous post, we talked with Simu and her SO. It wasn't pretty, but both sides have discussed their differences, felt grievances and annoyances at the other party; and we are all starting again on a clean slate. So to speak.

simu

Beruthiel wrote:

this thread can be closed whenever you wish
also
this is probably not the place for any of ye to be having this conversation, why not take it to real life...?

It was never supposed to take the place of a real-world conversation or be an argument that would show both sides in a balanced way. It was just me sounding out ideas.

Yet more misinterpretation!

Well, it's up to the mods to do whatever they want with it tbh.

Nevyn

Nesf wrote:

Matter dealt with etc.

Locking thread.