moral dilemma

sector · 29-09-2005 8:12pm #1

OK here goes,

1) i know of someone that is having an affair with a work colleague
2) He is married with a young kid
3) obviously his wife does not know
4) the affair girl is not married or otherwise with anyone that i know of

aside from other details like i know they flirt all the time, it's being going on a good while, the wife does know the other girl but she's not a friend or anything, those are the facts.

I need to weight the options here & try to do the most good, even if that means nothing, after all it's not my life.

Any comments appreciated.

Gordon · 29-09-2005 8:16pm

ehh what's this got to do with you?

Also, the only facts you have is that they flirt all the time, you don't even state the affair as being a 'fact'. Do you have twitchy curtains by any chance?

sector · 29-09-2005 8:21pm

It's a fact alright, let's leave aside the proof side of things we're not debating whether it's taking place, I already know it is.

the 4 points are my facts.

Gordon · 29-09-2005 8:24pm

Is this a friend of yours?

sector · 29-09-2005 8:29pm

Obviously not or I would be discussing it with him. I should say I personally know none of the people involved.

secret_squirrel · 29-09-2005 8:29pm

If any of the parties are friends or relations of yours then you may have some interest in whats going on (although I would argue its still very little to do with you)
- otherwise if its only work colleagues - MYOB.

Just remember you have absolutely no right to impose your moral beliefs on others

Nevyn · 29-09-2005 8:30pm

it is not your life.
it is not your relationship.
it is not your morals.

what vested intrest do you have here at all ?

you could do more harm then good saying anything at all.

sector · 29-09-2005 8:34pm

Well I think I've heard from the non married people, can someone married please comment, in particular a woman with a child, who's opinion I would weigh heavily.

secret_squirrel · 29-09-2005 8:38pm

sector wrote:

Well I think I've heard from the non married people

1. Thats a huge assumption to make - how the hell do you know what our marital states are.

2. Get off your high horse- cop on ffs.

3. Are you a religious nutjob perchance?

4. If you know none of these people - how is this a 'personal' issue of yours?

If you do decide to do the 'good deed' you are so obviously contemplating I hope the karma comes right back and bites you on the arse.

dub45 · 29-09-2005 8:42pm

I think you should mind your own business.

Nobody outside a relationship can ever know what is going on at any stage between two people.

How do yoiu know they do not have an open relationship for instance?

Interference can only bring disaster and believe me no one will thank you for it if you do interfere.

super_furry · 29-09-2005 8:43pm

What's wrong with just minding your own business?

sector · 29-09-2005 8:51pm

1) not such a hugh assumption, as if you were married you would understand the leap of faith the couple have put into each other
2) you cop on, don't respond if you have nothing constructive to say
3)no i'm not religious persay, & you better stop annoying me
4)my issue is clear, i'm unsure what to do in this case & stop putting words into quotes, did you see my saying personal anywhere?? eh

"good deed", again did I say that??? - better still don't answer although I'm sure you will as you've likely nobody else to talk to.

sector · 29-09-2005 8:52pm

super_furry wrote:

What's wrong with just minding your own business?

Absolutely nothing, & so far I've adopted that stance, although I am still interested in opinions, especially from married people as I've said.

sector · 29-09-2005 8:55pm

dub45 wrote:

I think you should mind your own business.

Nobody outside a relationship can ever know what is going on at any stage between two people.

How do yoiu know they do not have an open relationship for instance?

Interference can only bring disaster and believe me no one will thank you for it if you do interfere.

Two good points. They don't have an open relationship though, if they did there would be nothing wrong. The wife doesn't know & I would guess wouldn't thank him if she did.

Thanks for your comments.

secret_squirrel · 29-09-2005 9:09pm

If this is true

sector wrote:

I personally know none of the people involved.

How can you be so sure about this

sector wrote:

They don't have an open relationship though

You did notice the name of this forum didnt you? Why is this a personal issue for you? It seems more like a theoretical moral debate to me. Wouldnt you be better off having this discussion on After Hours, Humanities or Philosophy

Your basic question is should I interfere in the lives of these people who I dont know?
If you dont know them where are you getting all your information from? And again WHY DO YOU CARE?
What has it got to do with you?
(And why wont you answer that question?)

dub45 · 29-09-2005 9:09pm

sector wrote:

Two good points. They don't have an open relationship though, if they did there would be nothing wrong. The wife doesn't know & I would guess wouldn't thank him if she did.

Thanks for your comments.

I would guess

Isn't that the problem here - you are potentially taking it on yourself to interfere in a situation you know nothing at all about - you think you know but you can never know what goes on between two people. In one of your posts you tell people not to respond if they have nothing constructive to say but your putative course of action is totally destructive - you dont appear to appreciate that and implying that somebody who is not married cannot appreciate the leap of faith that married couples make is mindbogglingly arrogant.

AARRRGH · 29-09-2005 9:11pm

While what the cheating guy is doing is obviously not very nice, by telling his wife you'll most likely destroy her life.

Keep your mouth shut

Boston · 29-09-2005 9:17pm

It's nothing the fuk to do with you. Stop messing about in other peoples life. It's not your decision to make. I love the way some people take these responsibilities upon themselves.

Chucky the tree · 29-09-2005 9:24pm

anyone else find it very depressing that people now a days just cant mind there own business?

Instead of snooping around on your work colleagues why not do what you are employed to do? Work.

Endurance Man · 29-09-2005 9:35pm

So let me understand this, you are actaully thinking about going to this guys wife and telling on her

. You also have no personal relationship with any of the people involved.
What right do you have getting involved in there life??
You have no idea what is going on in there relationship, how could you even think of getting in the middle of this

.

sector · 29-09-2005 9:59pm

Some good feedback!

Seems like the thing to do is forget what I KNOW & not make things worse.

I wouldn't think it was me that's wrecking anyone's lives, surely it's the repetitive betrayal of trust between the couple? (not the revealing of information that proves the infidelity).

I should have mentioned that the wife has some suspicion.

Also, is it important what my interests are here?
- I don't feel that it is, whether I am the guys brother, neighbour, friend or foe there is still cheating going within a marraige.

Nevyn · 29-09-2005 10:00pm

Your assumptions both about the people you work with and about the people
who have responded here are wrong.

It is not unknown for a guy to stray esp during the first two years of a first
baby.
That does not mean he does not love his wife and child and that he will not
stay with them.

If the wife wanted to know she would know, or maybe she knows already.
Who are you to go interfering.

Boston · 29-09-2005 10:05pm

No one cares what you know mate. what gives yo uthe right to take this upon yourself? Yes it matters your connection, to these people. I love the way you say "There is still cheating going on within a marriage". Well there are still people dying on the streets of dublin. Theres still people getting raped and beaten. You obviously have a vested interest here, be it that you're attracted to one of them, or whatever.

sector · 29-09-2005 10:14pm

Since my assumptions are being pulled, I must, again state I have no interests in either party & don't know them. Anyway tired of this now.

Good Luck!

Tusky · 29-09-2005 10:15pm

Dont be so hard on the guy...he came here for advice.

Boston · 29-09-2005 11:37pm

sector wrote:

Anyway tired of this now.

Bored now, Just walk away. Nice to know you take this so seriously. If you tell the mother, chances are that kid is going ot grow up without a father. You've no idea what might happen. He might stop the relationship or he might leave his wife. You don't know.

Beruthiel · 30-09-2005 8:19am

I would go with what everyone else has said
it's nice of you to be concerned
but,
apart from the fact that it's none of your business whatsoever, you cannot possibly predict the fallout of your interference, what if the wife knows but is hoping that it will burn itself out and she gets to keep her husband, what if she suspects but prefers to stay in denial, what if they have an open marriage, what if, what if, what if…. playing god with someone else’s life is not a decision to be take lightly, most woman can tell when there's something going on, especially if they are living under the same roof. Leave the situation to them.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2005 8:34am

OK you've had all the "it's none of your business, stay out of it" opinions. It's an option I guess but an extreme counter example would be if you knew a neighbour was abusing another neighbour's child. Surely you'd tell the child's parents even though "it's none of your business".

Anywho the alternate view would be to put your self in the wife's position. If it was you in this situation and your partner cheating would you appreciate it if a complete stranger told you about it?

I don't know what the right answer is here - just didn't like the bald/black and white view in all the other posts.

PS I don't get the open marriage argument. If they have an open marriage then him talking to the wife should not be an issue

moral dilemma

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