Really bad jokes

Capt'n Midnight

http://rinkworks.com/jokes/jokes1.shtml - 78 pages of them
Here is a sample.

# Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
# They're making headlines!

# When is a school report not a school report ?
# When it's turned into the teacher.

# What's Bill short for?
# he's got no legs.


A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

# Why did the baker rob the bank?
# He needed the dough.

# What did one plate say to the other?
# Lunch is on me.

# Why won't a bike stand up by itself?
# It's two tired.

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.


A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."



One grape lived for lying around in the sun. It was his "raisin d'etre."


# Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank?
# He wanted to wake up oily.


# How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
# Eclipse it.


# What do you call a deer with no eyes?
# No eye deer.
# What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
# Still no eye deer.


# Why is a room full of married people empty?
# There isn't a single person in it.

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.


Said Helvetica Narrow to Helvetica Bold: "Hey, you're just my type."

Cap'n I salute you. If we get a fund together for SSF would you do a stand up at one of the beers?

EFC-4eva

an italian with a rubber toe???




roberto!!!!!!
I'm here all week!!! (",)

kittenkiller

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

http://rinkworks.com/jokes/jokes1.shtml -
A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.


A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

I'm so ashamed to be laughing!

Stompbox

Theyre actually quite funny. In an intelligent way of course.

Pighead

Q/:What did the horse say to the man with no legs?
A/:How are you getting on?

Binomate

Q/:Why did the plane crash?
A/:Because the pilot was a fridge.

Q/:What's big, green and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would kill you?
A/:A Country

Capt'n Midnight

# What connects the computers in Sauron's office?
# A Tolkien Ring network.

MrJoeSoap

Binomate wrote:

Q/:Why did the plane crash?
A/:Because the pilot was a fridge.

Q/:What's big, green and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would kill you?
A/:A Country

They're more unjokes really.

Capt'n, you are a legend. They are the funniest "really bad jokes" ever.

Keep em coming.

Capt'n Midnight

# How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
# A buck an ear.

# What do you call a cow with a hysterectomy?
# Decalfinated.

This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"
"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient."

# What's the best time to go to the dentist?
# At toothhurty.

# Why did the girl fall off the swing?
# Because someone threw a piano at her.

deisedevil

A penguin walks into a shop and says:have you any grapes
Shopkeeper: no we don't sell grapes
penguin: ok thanks anyway
Next day,penguin heads into shop: hi have you got any grapes today?
Shopkeeper:No we don't have any grapes any day, this is a neswagents,we have no fruit and veg full stop, comprende!!!!
penguin:ah right, god i feel stupid, i'm really sorry to bother you.
Next day, penguin comes in : any grapes?
Shopkeeper: i told you yesterday we don't have any f***in grapes now get lost! If you come in here again lookin for f***in grapes i'll nail you to the wall out side.
Penguin: ok, ok i'm going, i forgot,i get it no grapes,sorry to bother you.
The next day,penguin comes into shop and says: Any nails?
Shopkeeper sighs and says: NO!
penguin: Ok so any Grapes??

*MmmPie*

# What happened to the Magic Tractor?
# It went down the road and turned into a field

Yook

Sweet wrote:

Theyre actually quite funny. In an intelligent way of course.

ditto! nice one Capt'n Midnight.

EFC-4eva

lmfao!!! omg!

BigEejit

Its where all the christmas cracker makers get their jokes

airetam_storm

Oh dear, i shouldnt be laughing at these

Terrible addictive Captain

omnicorp

best ever

_Turismo4

Very Good :rolleyes: =yet= Very Bad :mad:

PowerHouseDan

Whats the difference between Oral and Anal sex?
1 makes your day
the other Makes your hole week....

A Blonde walks into a shop and says i want to buy Curtains for my Computer
Shop ass: Sorry you want to buy Curtains for your Computer?
Blonde:Yeah why
Shop Ass: Why would ya want curtains for your computers
Blond: Duh i got windows....

ShelTomato

What does a rabbi charge for circumcisions?
Nothing, he just keeps the tips!

What do ya call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese

What's a wok?
Something you throw at a wabbit

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot

:P :P :P :P :P :P

fred funk }{

Two men standing at a bus stop. One ask the other "What time is the next bus due?", The second man replied "F*ck off you racist bastard".

galwayrush

An Indian consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for three months.

"For something as long as that," said the Medicine Man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon come back."

The Indian dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon he returned to the Medicine Man.

"How do you feel?" the Medicine Man asked.

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

.......................................................
A duck walked into a pharmacy, and waddled back to the druggist's counter. The druggist looked at him and chuckled, "Hey little fella! What can I do for you?"

The duck says, "I'd like a box of condoms please."

The pharmacist says, "Well, sure! Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

The duck says, "I'm not that kind of duck!"

Oliverdog

These jokes stand the test of time - 3-year-old thread?
But the last two were gems, Galway Rush.