*Please Help*

Anselm

Hi Guys, really need help if anyone is reading this. Im 26, and my girlfriend is 23 - absolute love of my life, we are together 2.5 years.
It hasnt been going as well as it could for about 6 months or so, mostly down to me giving her a hard time about stuff (me wanting to settle down, money, work, sex, usual stuff I guess). She is the most beautiful person on earth, so happy and cheerful, but I think I have ground her down and depressed her. We had a big row on Sat night, which basically lead to us splitting. We were both in an awful state. She says that she is miserable and hates herself and cant be with me anymore. She was devesated, and so was I. She left then, and I have only talked to her once since then. She says that she needs time to sort things out. I dont know what to do, I want to tell her how much I love her, and I know that if I get another chance I will take it. We love each other so much, I just pray that I havent blown it. Anyone I have talked to says to leave her, make no contact and let her come back to you. Its so difficult I feel like crying all the time, and am going out of my mind. I just want to call her and be with her again...
Please guys, has anyone got any advice ?

Thanks

LegacyUser

I was in the same position your gf is in now, my partner gave me a hard time over a long period. My confidence was shattered, I felt second rate and I also got into a deep depression.

I did make my partner leave so I could clear my head, but when he was gone I realised that I missed him, the warmth, the fuzzy feeling when he got home from work and knew that I had to give it one more shot.

We sat down and had a very long chat where we talked about things that had to change and in fairness to him he has tried really hard since and now it comes naturally to him.

I did need that space though, pressure from him would have meant I ran the opposite direction. He gave me the space I needed and it allowed me to evaluate in my own time and way.

Please do not add to turmoil your gf is going through by pushing her, it will come across as harassment and will have the opposite affect to the one you want.

I hope things work out for you

WhiteWashMan

Anselm wrote:

(me wanting to settle down, money, work, sex, usual stuff I guess).

so, what exactly are the issues, and how are you going to fix them?

just saying 'give me another chance, i'll change', means nothing unless you can actually show what you are going to change.

do you even know what her issues are?

Anselm

I know she wants to take things slowly, and have more fun . Live a life thats more carefree. I understand now that I have been pissing her off, and taking out my frustrations on her. if I got a chance to prove it, I would show her I have changed. I love her, it has just taken this heartbreak to realise how much.

What do you think I should do next, mate ?

tbh

Quote: if I got a chance to prove it, I would show her I have changed

Show her you have changed, or show her you would change?

Have you changed since Saturday night? It sounds to me - no offense - like you are not in the right place, for whatever reason, to be in a relationship. Maybe you should sort out your own issues first?

Although you sound genuinely cut up and depressed, so maybe a little practical advice. Sit down and write her a letter. Work on it. Make sure that it says exactly what you mean, and make it obvious that you have thought about things, and this is what you want, and that you are prepared to work (meaning - look at your other issues) to sort things out. Then, if you really do love her, you'll leave it up to her.

good luck

Caimin

dudara

Not being critical but I don't see any evidence of you having changed in your posts. You say that you ground her down, and that you love her and willl do anything for her. But yet I'm not picking up on that.

If you want to convince her, you have to be sure yourself first.

Beruthiel

Anselm wrote:

me wanting to settle down, money, work, sex, usual stuff I guess

and she considers herself too young to be thinking along those lines?
you are both young, why not just enjoy life and take things easier? there is no rush to get married, you have another 10 years before you need think about that seriously. I'm betting she feels caged in and has decided that she needs space because of it.

Anyone I have talked to says to leave her, make no contact and let her come back to you.

at least leave her for a few weeks and give her time to think
if you keep calling her, she will not be able to get things straight in her head, give her some time, actions speak louder than words, show her you've changed

Anselm

Thanks guys - I know its best to leave her be for a few days / weeks - however long it takes. Its just hard, we used to be inseperable and I want to make sure she is OK.
I just think that its worth giving us a second chance, I hope she does too.
I know I can be a different person, like I used to be. I can change myself, she is worth it.

FrankGrimes

Sounds to me like maybe you take out your frustrations on her. I do it myself sometimes – it seems subconsciously its handy to have someone to blame when things go wrong. I usually snap out of it and apologise as soon as I do it though. Analyse your life from two perspectives: ignoring her for a moment, are you happy? Why, why not? Do you want to settle down yourself or is it just due to peer pressure cos most of the people your age have settled down?

Now think about your life with her: if all the other things that may be making you down or up didn’t exist just how would you feel about her? She makes you happy right? Remember that every time you start thinking about one of the things that makes you feel bad or under pressure – its not her fault and so don’t blame her for it or take it out on her, be thankful that you have her and you’ll find you snap out of it before you take it out on her and you’ll get along better.

She needs some space right now but not too much – you don’t want to cramp her but you don’t want her to think you aren’t thinking about her. How about a text in a couple of days to say “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I realise theres much in my life I’m not happy with and I often end up taking this out on you when its not your fault. I realise you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I know I need to treat you better. You are a wonderful person and make me so happy and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel any different. I’ve realised now that I make you feel bad when I treat you that way, and now that I’ve realised it I’m going to make a big effort not to do it again. I’m ready to talk and tell you why I want you back whenever you are, but even if you don’t want to work it out just know that I have always thought you are wonderful’.

Ok, so maybe that’s two texts but it puts the ball back in her court and gives her a reason to come back – you’ve acknowledged the problem and are working on a solution, though be sure to emphasise the way you really feel about her. Good luck.

Anselm

Thanks mate

Appreciate the advice

WhiteWashMan

Anselm wrote:

I can change myself, she is worth it.

really?

i asked before what it that you feel needs to be different, but you havent come back with anything.

to be honest, you sound like you are not in the right place to be in a relationship. by your own admission you have pushed your frustrations onto her. now i know as much as anyone about doing that, and its not good.

you have to be able to sort yourself out, before you go thinking about having a relationship with someone else.

the maxim 'you cant love anyone else until you love yourself' is true. doesnt sound to me like you are in the right place.

my advice is to sort yourself out first, and stop worrying about her. she will be fine. i think you are trying to remain in contact not to make sure she is ok, but becuase you are afraid if you let go, she will disappear forever, find someone else, or just generally realise that there is a larger world out there.

Anselm

Ok - what needs to be different

1. stop blaming her for my problems, discuss them rationally, like an adult. But no more blame. Im capable of doing that.

2. Give her as much time and space as she needs.

3. Actions speak louder than words - if we get back together, no promises, just let her see how things go.

4. Stop putting pressure on her

5. recognise that I have a few issues, and sort them out myself, without letting the relationship be affected

FrankGrimes

I definitely agree with that maxim 'you cant love anyone else until you love yourself'.

You seem to have identified some areas to work on and your motivation for doing that is you want her back and you want to be sure that you treat her right when you get her back. To me thats evidence of a change in mindset - as for actions, well you can't put those changes into action until your given a chance can you?

On No. 5 - I'll think you'll find that if you get back with her and try your best to tell her what your issues are itll help in two ways: she might be able to help you deal with it as long as you stop taking the frustration out on her, and worst case she can be supportive, and you'll probably find that she understands you better and knows where you are coming from when you act like that - not that it excuses it, but it will help her realise it wasn't really any issue with her.

So go get her man! Really emphasise to her that you've put a lot of time and thought into thinking what went wrong, have identified that it was your behaviour and how you can prevent it happening again, and that all throughout the one thing you were sure of was your feelings for her. Hell, maybe even show her this thread if she wants to see the lengths you've gone to. Good luck with it and let us know how you get on.

Stench Blossoms

Can you provide more info there Orla, please

Tobias Greeshman

Orla wrote:

I think he is a troll.

Well he's gone and posted the thread in AfterHours as well, so you could be right!

Stench Blossoms

I'm sure its him anyway and i have his mobile number and pictures of him. I blocked him because he was being very pervy

tbh

busted!!

what makes you think it was him Orla, did he use his username?

C

Rolotomassie

Anselm wrote:

Hi Guys, really need help if anyone is reading this. Im 26, and my girlfriend is 23 - absolute love of my life, we are together 2.5 years.
It hasnt been going as well as it could for about 6 months or so, mostly down to me giving her a hard time about stuff (me wanting to settle down, money, work, sex, usual stuff I guess). She is the most beautiful person on earth, so happy and cheerful, but I think I have ground her down and depressed her. We had a big row on Sat night, which basically lead to us splitting. We were both in an awful state. She says that she is miserable and hates herself and cant be with me anymore. She was devesated, and so was I. She left then, and I have only talked to her once since then. She says that she needs time to sort things out. I dont know what to do, I want to tell her how much I love her, and I know that if I get another chance I will take it. We love each other so much, I just pray that I havent blown it. Anyone I have talked to says to leave her, make no contact and let her come back to you. Its so difficult I feel like crying all the time, and am going out of my mind. I just want to call her and be with her again...
Please guys, has anyone got any advice ?

Thanks

"The luckiest person in the world is the one who finds true love" cant remember who said that, but if she is the one, then u have to fight for her and tell her ur inner most thoughts. But u also have to listen to her thoughts and take them on board.

To let go of something that could be great could be so wrong, swallow ur pride, role with her views for a while see her side and then try and make her see ur. Dont f**k up ur chances mate, dont shoot ur self in the foot like I did.

Best of lick.

Siogfinsceal

ok, it sounds like your gf is trying to be young and have fun and you've been depressing her by dragging her down. Why does life have to be so serious anyway? carpe diem seize the day and have a bit of craic the serious stuff can always wait. if you can get her to talk to you arrange to do something fun (bowling, go to the zoo, paintaballing ) whatever shes into and just enjoy each others company and have a laugh

Stench Blossoms

caimin wrote:

busted!!

what makes you think it was him Orla, did he use his username?

C

yeh he told me his user name. thats why i looked in this thread because i recognised it.

seriously like he's obviously gonna have problems with his gf if he's coming on to other people