Dilemma with my girlfriend...

LegacyUser

My girlfriend is away on holidays (long holiday, 4+ weeks.)

I love her deeply. She is a very wonderful person. Everyone who meets her thinks she is very special - warm, honest, emotional, caring.

She is very good for me - keeps me level (I can be quite destructive when single), I'm happy with her, my life is simple with her, she is kind and generous with me.

The problem is... I am just not that attracted to her. She's not really my type. I don't really want to have sex with her (a first for me.)

Well, I wasn't too worried about this when she was here as her good points way out weigh the lack of sexual attraction.

However, since she's been away I've met someone else, and she has made me realise how important the sexual attraction is for me. I'm aware it could just be the "excitement" of meeting someone new. But I really think it is more than that. I guess it has made me realise that I see my girlfriend as more of a sister I deeply love rather than a typical girlfriend. If that makes any sense...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is this -

My girlfriend makes my life good. But there is something missing. Am I a fool to risk (and consider) losing someone so special? I know I will never meet someone like her again. And she does not deserve to be hurt.

I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense. I'm very confused...

DaisyDuke

If you're not attracted to the girl, then she is officially in "best mate" territory.
That's not fair on either you or her.
Sounds like you love her, but are not in love with her.

To be brutally honest, you need to let her go. You may not have done anything with this other person, but you can't lead your GF on - yes, it's still leading her on if you aren't in love with her anymore.

I went out with someone for quite a few years. At the end, I really didn't love him anymore, and didn't want him to come near me in a sexual way, but I still loved him as a friend.
Relationships can become habit, and a comfortable one at that. When I broke up with my ex, I felt the loss of the relationship more than him. I was relieved to have left him, but I missed the companionship, the friendship, and the sensation of being that close to someone physically and emotionally.

It has worked out for the best though.

She deserves your honesty, especially if you've been together this long.
Yes, it will hurt like crazy, and it will be an incredibly hard thing to do. The longer it's put off, the worse it is to do though.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Jesper

Yeah Daisy is right. In everything except the honesty point. If your going to be honest with her take the blow and tell her that you've found someone else. The confusion in broke up relations is the worst thing I've found. Seems insane but if you just broke up with her and gave no reason she would drive herself mad looking to rationalise it. And if you do break up with her don't tell her its because she's not sexually attrative to you. No one wants to hear that.
When you break up you'll get the idea that if ye could stay friends you would keep the best bits of your ex but be free to screw other women. Doesn't work like that no matter how hard you try to stay friends with an ex there is always to much emotional baggage for it to work.

DaisyDuke

Sorry - too much rambling.
Jesper is right. Tell her that you've found someone else. If she asks, don't tell her that she doesn't do it for you any more. Tact is important too. Tell her that you love her as a friend, but that you've grown to see her as being a very close friend instead of a girlfriend.
Tact and sensitivity are the big ones.
Explain things to her - you've been with her for years, so she will know if you're telling porkies.
Use the word I, as opposed to YOU when you're telling her stuff. Using the word you a lot will get her on the defensive, as even with the best of intentions it can come across as accusatory.
So no "You do" or "you have", and lots of "I feel that", "I think that" .

Jesper

Humm that "I" thing is a great idea. Wish I knew about that a few months ago when I was breaking up. By any chance "notaloverat" are you going to be starting anything new recently? college/job etc. It might be good to say that (if your under 24ish) that you want a complete change and reorganisation of your life and feeling for the time being at least. Stay tactful and sensitive tho.

Beruthiel

NotALoveRat wrote:

The problem is... I am just not that attracted to her. She's not really my type. I don't really want to have sex with her (a first for me.)...

then she is your best mate, not your sexual partner

Nala

To be honest, if you didn't fancy her that much, you shouldn't have got together with her.

Anyway-as for your problem-let her down gently. Don't tell her you don't fancy her, it could very easily ruin her confidence.

LegacyUser

Man, it sounds like you have built up a great relationship with your girlfriend.
You say you love her deeply, and that until now you have been happy with the relationship, bar one thing - sex.

I amn't being sarcastic when I say that I hope the trade off with this new girl you are seeing will suffice. If the intimate understanding you have with your girlfriend is so good, then why risk it??

How long have you been together? Is this the first time she has been away? Have you had these feelings for a long time?

Victor

The forbidden grass is greener on the fruity side!

If she is your girlfriend, then you should do the decent thing and tell her. If she isn't your girlfriend then work away and tell her over lunch when she gets back.

Beruthiel wrote:

then she is your best mate, not your sexual partner

However

best mate >< girlfriend >< sexual partner

Each are different qualities.

cuaifeadh

I just got out of a relationship like that. I was going out with a wonderful boy to whom I was in no way attracted to. As time got on, I was more and more put off at the idea of physical intimacy. Even still, I loved being with him. During the time we were going out, I met several guys who I found very physically attractive and started resenting my relationship. So.. I talked to my boyfriend. Best break up I've ever had. He even made jokes about how he had already picked our baby names. Once I had gotten over all the muddled emotions, I realised that we did have a great time together, he is very cute and a great kisser and we're really good friends. I don't know if we will drift apart, or if it will be a life long friendship, but these things always stand to you in the long run and he's given me a few more good memories to stash away for a rainy day.

Oh, and even though you have met someone if you do decide to break up with your girl, you owe it to her to do it in person. Don't think that it's ok to be with someone else just because you plan to break up with somebody. She doesn't deserve that. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

then she is your best mate, not your sexual partner

No, No, No. If I was the OP's girlfriend and found out that he had been seeing someone else while I was on holidays I would be gutted.

I don't think she will be a best mate at all. Thats the thing with break ups.
If she feels about the OP as he describes about her (passionately I might add), then she is going to be extremely hurt. So, hurt that it would be bad for her to be around him.

So, its all or none. Either you love her or you don't - but sort it out now. Don't wait for her to go on holidays to go find out if its farther hills are green.
Make your mind up and try to do it without stringing this girl along.

dudara

The long and the short of it is, that no matter how much you love her, you're not in love with her anymore, and to continue as it is would be a farce and unfair on both of you.

You have to be honest with her, maybe not the extent of saying you don't find her attractive anymore (trust me, that will hurt a woman like nothing else). Remember that by staying together, you're also denying her the chance to find someone who will love her and fire all her rockets as well.

good luck with whatever you do

Oriel

DaisyDuke wrote:

Sounds like you love her, but are not in love with her.

But for God's sake, don't use this line...

Maccattack

NotALoveRat wrote:

She is a very wonderful person.

I can be quite destructive...

Mate, If that's true. Let her go.

dramaqueen

Break up with her before you start resenting her.
There is nothing worse than being with someone that you don't want to be intimate with. You end up exploding and hurting them beyond forgiveness. Believe me I know...

Chucky the tree

why not shag the girl you are attracted too and go back to the girlfriend who has everything else?

The Sweeper

That's a brilliant idea! Why didn't the OP just think of that and not post on boards at all!

/me gets t-shirts printed

dudara

Chucky The Tree, keep your comments helpful.