unable to find the right friends

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm a 20 y.o. male and throughout my life I've always struggled to make friends and relate to people. Since I've been a child making friends with people has been a grave challenge for me. I've never had that best friend who I always did everything with, talked to about anything and who I felt I could trust. When I was a child I was forward and playful but then come the teenage years I've felt completely different from everyone else. I never had many friends when I was a child. I was used by others and was bullied because I became shy in my early teenage years. I spent a couple of my teenage years having no friends and the friends since then have been the very casual types who I rarely see.

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At 20 I still can't relate properly to anyone. I'm not particularly outgoing but not shy at the same time. I have friends but I'd refer to them as people who I go out with now and again and not people who I feel comfortable with and able to have meaningful conversations with. My friends are not reliable and often ignore me when in groups. I'm not particularly on the same wavelength with them and I can't recall ever having an intellectual conversation with any of them. However this has been the case with any group of friends I've made ever since my childhood. I never made genuinely good friends with anyone, I've never had a girlfriend and these facts mean I have little confidence in myself. I believe that most people who knew me in person would be surprised that I am this way because I do come across as a friendly, happy person but inside I don't feel this way. I've tried so hard with people but I constantly get hung out to dry by everyone. I don't know whether it's me being a nice bloke who has his heart in the right place or whether I'm completely socially inept. I have tried so hard to get to know new faces in my life through work and social activites but I haven't made true friends with anyone only mere aquaintances.

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I keep on thinking that there is something wrong with me. With what I've described you probably would think there is something odd with me but deep down I know there isn't so why have I had this trouble interacting with people? I believe the fault comes down to other people in general. I believe that it's a dog eat dog race out there between people and the good people won't survive. I find people my age in particular to be self centered, devious and heartless and I'm just not like that.

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I'm loosing patience with people and I feel like the most socially inept person on this planet which depresses me badly. Has or does anyone else feel like this about their fellow people today or had similar experiences? Should I dump my unreliable friends? Where on earth can I make lifelong friends when I've already tried?

ven0m

Try getting rid of the hangups/bad experiences from the past. The past IS the past. You can't "make" life-long friends... it's something that either happens or doesn't....

People who have this problem think the problem is with others - it's ALWAYS with themselves...

Conversations don't always have to be intellectual... friendships are "relationships" of sorts with give & take, & sometimes it's a case of compromise & often it's a compromise of personalities/tastes etc...

I;d say whatever you were doing before in the past - or your preferences were in the past - do the complete opposite cos it obviously wasn't working & you've got bugger all to lose frankly! (hope your name is not frank btw!!)

Most people don't have confidence - but other people don't have to "know" you're not confident - fake it.... act confident (even if you're not), people will assume you're confident & your own confidence will grow....

Sometimes you need to take a leap outside yourself to grow.... you've bugger all to lose at this stage, so why not... leave the past where it is, try some new things, do some things different & go have some fun in the process!!!


::: ven0mous :::

katiegordon

You sound like a nice person, maybe ya just dont realise how much your friends appreciate you!!!??Its happened to me a few times, where i think im just there and not being particularly noticed as im kinda quiet, but people do really pick up on your true qualities and its always surprised me!!
Also best friends arent all theyre made out to be, yea you can share secrets, but sometimes its a pain being so close to someone.I have a much better time with my friends who i just meet socially and have a laugh with!!
Sometimes we dont appreciate what we already have.........!!!

The_Conductor

It sounds as though a lack of self-confidence could be a problem here?
There is no-point in trying to emulate what everyone else is doing and then wondering why they all have loads of friends and you don't. You can't just make friends with others, its a process that takes time and effort on the part of *both* parties. What I'd advise is go out- join a club or a society in an area that interests you. Have a good time, doing something that you enjoy doing. Don't *try* to make friends with everyone there. Just have fun. Before you know it, you probably will be friends with some of the folk there- because you have a common interest with them.

I was not dissimilar to you, not a very long time ago. I have the Science Fiction and Fantasy Society in UCD to thank for bringing me out of my little shell!

Kell

guzzy wrote:

I believe the fault comes down to other people in general.

You dont make friends easily, as whether you think you seem/look like a nice guy, your statement :rolleyes: is tattooe'd across your forehead and makes people ignore you in favour of someone who might not think of them as an absolute twat.

Problem here mate is your perception of what people "should" be as opposed to how they "are". You think your friends are unreliable folk when in fact it is more likely that they are normal folk and its only that you expect so much of them that leads you to believe they let you down.

Now - rather than assume that it is a dog eat dog self centred sort of world, why not ask yourself what life experiences has resulted in you wanting so much to have your existence justified by having great and close friends? And dont just stop at "well, Johnnie from next door wouldnt let me play with his Scalectrix and no-one else would either so I had to..." Question whether your folks/siblings fulfilled an element of your life that you expected them to. Your answers might just surprise you.

A lot of folk build grand expectations of how their friends/girlfriends should be because they have been deprived of something in their early years which they try and find in someone else, invariably only to wind up disappointed.

Remember, perception is reality and to create a good reality you need to adjust your perception otherwise everyone you meet will disappoint you. You seem locked into a reality of "everyone sucks bar me" instead of thinking "everyone seems to get on with eachother yet I dont. So whats wrong with ME?"

Get the picture?

K-