Scientific History of the Greed

democrates

Scientific History of the Greed

By Permission - Poxmonger Monthly

Lord Madhouse (the only offspring of total idiots) discovered the source of greed in 1843 quite by accident whilst conducting experiments on the properties of coins. It was assumed widely among the scientific community at the time, that the greed phenomenon was a property of such sundry items that adversely affected the human mind, much like radiation or molten lead in the ear. Madhouse was rebuked for conducting his experiments however as he was a fool, spat upon weekly by the parish priest after receiving holy communion according to his private journal.

So when one of Lord Madhouses control experiments using paper notes did yield the exact same greedy behaviour in inmates as the metal coins experiment, the gimpy lab wench Igora wobbled abundantly. Precisely as she predicted she was beaten ugly for befouling the experiment. But lo and yea, when the experiment was repeated the very same result was achieved. Madhouse ran straight down to the academy of snide auld fecks with his blood-stained scientific paper in hand, burst into the assembly and bellowed dramatically:

“I hereby shew to the assembled gentlemen of the academy, and Marie, by way of my repeatable experiments herein documented, how it is scientifically established that the greed is not a property of sundry items, rather it nestles in the brains of all men, like to be found in the gangly cortex, or behind the left eye. It is in fact a sulphurous emotion akin to anger, laying dormant by day unless provoked by a stimulus, at which point it rushes out to the face and limbs and thereby wrests control from the hapless victim rendering them subject to insatiable excesses. Now you shower of feckers, what do you have to say about that? And you needn't flop your tail at me from under your tweeds there Darwin you semi-simian freak, we all know what you're after.”

Madhouse consequently went down in history, but tragically had contracted an incurable terminal illness following a savage bite on the left buttock from the angry Darwin. He sought the services of a corporeal preservation company so that he might be revived when a cure for Darwins bite was found. Tragically, Cantbury Immortal went bankrupt following a failed investment in dust, at which angry creditors emptied Madhouses eterno-tank to get at the secret preservant which turned out to be bat piss, twigs and coily monkey poo (possibly Darwins, records are unclear). This is patented today by a cosmetic company and used as an anti-wrinkle face douche, because we're worth it.

Today we are more enlightened. The gene for greed has been discovered by Cellya Gonethics in experiments on themselves, and it's identity is freely available under a stiff license. The symptoms can easily be treated with regular doses of cash so that greedy people can still live a fulfilling life. Very fulfilling. Some have it worse than others, and in the spirit of self-help common among those afflicted with the greed gene and who have always needed to own profitable companies, the most acute sufferers have founded the IMF, World Bank, and WTO. These bodies in turn employ free markets worldwide in which the greed-stricken can deploy their companies to more effectively collect the much-needed funds from poor countries around the world, and repatriate them to the rich countries where the afflicted have to live because of their condition.

Charitable donations are also actively sought, and most governments oblige generously by exempting sufferers from taxes which are known to cause great distress as they exacerbate the condition. The hope is that one day, gene replacement therapy will provide a cure, though it is anticipated it will need to be administered by force. For now, all we can do as a caring society is continue to treat sufferers with more wealth by over-consuming products and services, working cheaper and harder, and shouldering more of the tax burden. You are also encouraged to send donations. Please do it now before Bob and Bono are compelled in tears to organise Greed Aid.

democrates

No sign of the comedy cops so far, I must be doing something right.

jaggeh

most of them are here during office hours, but i have to say that was dire

democrates

Thanks jaggeh. DIRE : Damnable, Idiotic, Represhensible, Execrable

My gift to you, use it to spice up your discourse, but don't over-quote me or people will cop on.

jaggeh

no, i didn't say D.I.R.E. what i said was dire
dire
adj. dir·er, dir·est
Warning of or having dreadful or terrible consequences; calamitous: a dire economic forecast; dire threats.
Urgent; desperate: in dire need; dire poverty.


the relevant parts of the definition have been marked in bold. dont quit your day job.

Maximilian

Oh jesus.

Maximilian

In fact:

danniemcq

democrates wrote:

No sign of the comedy cops so far, I must be doing something right.

no we're all just waking up. is there anyway to to put NO BAD JOKES or just plain old NO MORE DEMOCRATES in the charter?

bounty_hunter

In fairness, I can actually see where he's coming from this time. If it wasn't so early in the morning I might have found this one slightly amusing.
But Democrates, you should realise by now that there are few to none on this board who are going to share you sense of humour, satire fans or not. You can't really expect much more than "a torrent of negative feedback".

Stabshauptmann

I got tired reading that after the 4th paragraph. Is there a punchline comming or are these darwin jokes and context observations about the wench supposed to have he chuckling the whole way through?
Is this meant to be funny?

Maximilian

Demagogue, please don't tell me you actually wrote that yourself. Please.

Firewalkwithme

democrates - is there any chance you could start your own thread in this forum and only post all your crap jokes in there? At least that way it would be easier to ignore and avoid you.

Stabshauptmann

better yet get a blog and I wont have to even see the thread title

WhiteWashMan

i think it was humourous.

normally, i wouldnt bother writing that fact, but many people seem to think that their opinions that it wasnt funny needed to be aired, so im just jumping on the bandwagon

Sherifu

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/images/icons/icon13.gif

Maximilian

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i think it was humourous.

normally, i wouldnt bother writing that fact, but many people seem to think that their opinions that it wasnt funny needed to be aired, so im just jumping on the bandwagon

Liar.

Crucifix

Not bad.
A nice concept with shakey execution. I enjoyed it, but I wouldn't advise the writer to quit his/her dayjob.

Stabshauptmann

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

I got tired reading that after the 4th paragraph. Is there a punchline comming or are these darwin jokes and context observations about the wench supposed to have he chuckling the whole way through?
Is this meant to be funny?

Ok read the last two paragraphs. (wouldnt if it wasnt for your one good review). It did improve. Good concept, but having read your other [strike]joke[/strike] *shudder* atempt, I didnt expect any punchline.

Advice: Shorten it, or make it funnier along the way.