bisexual relationships and third wheels!

suzieq

Hi all,
just a quick/(long winded) question from me (straight male) and my bisexual girlfriend.

We've been together in a straight, monogamous relationship for fifteen months now and have both known about eachothers past experiences with the same sex.

I've kissed a few guys as a means of experimentation a few years back and while I enjoyed it at the time, I then realised that it really wasn't for me and that I preferred my girlfriend being the only one to get stubble rash!!

My girlfriend however has been with a few girls in the past and still has many feelings about girls now which she often finds hard to express (especially to me for fear of hurting me). We love eachother very much and both know that she must go out and explore these feelings i.e. sleep with/pursue relationships with other girls as she has not explored them fully yet..

I don't necessarily want to be a part of this exploration (threesomes etc.) but want her to feel ok and know that she has had a chance to experience this side of herself...

BUT.. we want to stay together in the long run...

So..

(1) CAN A "STRAIGHT" RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE A THIRD WHEEL (or potentially several extra wheels along the way)?????????

(2) Does anyone know anyone in this situation?


..and..

(3) can they see it lasting in the long term?

Any input would be gratefully received as its not a situation you naturally know how to deal with... We think we can work it out but could handle it better if we knew other people have taken this route or that people think it is possible

Beruthiel

suzieq wrote:

CAN A "STRAIGHT" RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE A THIRD WHEEL (or potentially several extra wheels along the way)?????????

only if you are both very, very comfortable with the idea and rules have been put in place.
how comfortable are you?

carbonkid

Depressingly enough most the people i know in longterm (over 3yrs) relationships have come to an arrangement to sleep with other or have 3-somes but personally i couldnt do it.

In my opinion if you have any doubts about having an open relationship then itll end up a mess and could end up hating each other in the end, its something you need to talk to her about

Annasopra

I found a discussion on this topic on politics.ie of all places (be warned though - it's a site that brings out the homophobes)

http://www.politics.ie/forum/viewtopic.php?t=6528&highlight=bisexual

claire h

suzieq wrote:

My girlfriend however has been with a few girls in the past and still has many feelings about girls now which she often finds hard to express (especially to me for fear of hurting me).

Well, goodness, I'm not surprised. She's sexually/emotionally attracted to other people when she's in a relationship with you? If she was lusting over other men, would you be okay with that? No, it's not *quite* the same thing, but if you're saying, well, it's okay if she sleeps with women because, oh, they have girl-bits, but totally not okay if she sleeps with men because that'd be *cheating*, then you're devaluing her feelings towards women, saying that they don't really count.

I think it's great that you're willing to make room for this in your relationship, but every relationship does come with sacrifices - choosing to be with someone particular rather than being available to whomever you might be interested in. And to be honest a lot of this is exactly the sort of crap that makes people skeptical towards bisexuality, the need to have it all rather than settle down.

Having said that, I know that's not really the issue you're looking to be discussed, but I would say to you to bear it in mind. It's really tough to get the right balance - after all, if your girlfriend, who you care about, is going off with other girls, then jealousy is always a danger. And if you plan on staying together in the long term, then these relationships she's forging with women are going to be coloured by that - how can she fully experience a relationship with a woman if she's already thinking about it ending, *knowing* that it'll have to end before she goes back to you? (Fair enough if the two of you would be happy with an open relationship on a long-term basis, I guess, but three does tend to be a crowd after a while, not to mention the fact that knowing she's in a relationship with you will affect how a potential girlfriend for her sees her.)

If you do go for an open relationship, presumably the option would be available to you, too, to go out with other girls? And would she be okay with this? Do you think you'd be okay knowing she was with other people, with the potential of developing a relationship that might usurp your own? Or is there going to be a stipulation saying that it's just a sex thing, and is that enough for her? You can make it work - though I do think, IMHO, it's more likely to work in the short-term than in the long-term - but there are a lot of things you need to think about and sort out between yourselves before going for it.

I hope it works out for you.

Asry

I agree with Beruthiel; that it's a matter of comfort and safety zones, and all that jazz. However, I'm not too sure about the idea of choosing someone to settle down with and then making that be the end of it. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years now, and I'm not going to say that it hasn't been hard because that'd just be lying. There are some things that cannot be ignored, y'know? Some things that can't go away.

I think that choosing to be with just one person of either sex is in essence a denial of the bisexuality- stripping away of half of who you are- but at the same time, I'm not advocating the idea of threesomes all over the place because that would undermine the relationship that you're in, which isn't good either. No matter what happens, I suppose, there's going to be always one side that will be ignored. But hey, that's committment these days.

What a late and confused post this is, so I'm going to give up on my half-hearted ramblings and leave it there. Hi, everyone, by the way. I'm Asry.

Hells_Belle

suzieq wrote:

BUT.. we want to stay together in the long run...

So..

(1) CAN A "STRAIGHT" RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE A THIRD WHEEL (or potentially several extra wheels along the way)?????????

Yes, absolutely. You're talking about non-monogamy or polyamory, depending on the circumstances. Both of these are perfectly legitimate alternative relationship models.

(2) Does anyone know anyone in this situation?

Yes, plenty of people. It's more common than you might think.

(3) can they see it lasting in the long term?

Sure. I'm in a non-monogamous marriage. We didn't get married for the short term

Any input would be gratefully received as its not a situation you naturally know how to deal with... We think we can work it out but could handle it better if we knew other people have taken this route or that people think it is possible

My input would be to read The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt and Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits : Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships by Deborah M Anapol. You can get them both from Amazon US or UK.

These books are both excellent. They'll give you many examples of relationships where this works, and more importantly, information on how to negotiate and agree on something that will work for both of you. Seriously, buy them both - and you should both read them; that's really important.

Talliesin

suzieq wrote:

(1) CAN A "STRAIGHT" RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE A THIRD WHEEL (or potentially several extra wheels along the way)?????????

Yes, but not all of them could.

suzieq wrote:

(2) Does anyone know anyone in this situation?

Yes. Indeed one guy I know keeps saying his partner isn't really bi but she's just with him because she's a "confused lesbian" - they've been together for ages but all her other lovers in that time have been women - and they're perfectly happy.

On the other hand it can split a couple apart, whether because of jealousy or a relationship outside of that partnership getting to the point where that relationship becomes monogamous.

suzieq wrote:

(3) can they see it lasting in the long term?

As a general question? yes.
In a given situation? if I was that good at divinition I wouldn't be sitting here, I'd be siting at a roulette table with a tarot deck making another few million.

suzieq

thanks for the link johnnymcg.. very interesting debate! pity about all the closed-mindedness..

suzieq

actually thanks to everyone for the ideas and opinions.. Ain't been at the computer all week so i'll get back soon, hopefully with the other half to reply properly..
ta' all,

really appreciate your time n advice!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

I am a curious female in the same situation as you guys. I am sooo lucky because my boy toy is totally ok with me wanting to explore, and given the opportunity for me to do so (ie, when I find my curious lover) he totally supports me enjoying another woman sexually. In fact, he could probably support a skyscraper with his hard-on just thinking about it! Now, neither of us wants to have that person permanently in our lives - and I would be very, very careful of making that clear from the outset, because I would hate myself if anyone ended up hurt because of our little fling. I know what I want, so why beat around the bush?
As for your relationship, if you are fine with it I can't see anyone getting hurt. In fact, the tales your girlfriend will whisper to you in bed afterwards can only enhance your sex life if fantasising about your girlfriend with another woman turns you on. I imagine, however, that if you had any hangups at all, it might play on your mind and could potentially drive you apart.
So play safe, now, kids!
FYI, i'm still looking for my ideal playmate, let me know if you know anyone who'd be interested...

Cactus Col

It's really up to how you feel, speaking for myself if I had a girlfriend who wanted to explore, and be with other girls, I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with her while she did it. I know that I would be too jealous, too hurt anytime she was with somebody else.

I would rather end the relationship then be in that situation ... (that's me talking now and don't even have the prospect of a gf anytime soon) ... and maybe that'd me being selfish, but it's also me being honest.