Do open relationships work?

tonyinuae

After several months together, it's become clear that my partner wants the go-ahead to 'play away', especially as we live in separate cities and only get to meet up once a week at most. He says this is just sex and doesn't affect our loving relationship in any way; what's more, if he feels pressured to remain monogamous, he feels the strain would split us up. there is also a large age difference, he being much younger (21 next month) and full of curiosity about sex, full of testosterone and all that - as well as being a bit of a 'star' and much sought-after, bless him!

He hates dishonesty and has just told me (on the phone, as it's not the weekend yet) about a guy he's met for coffee and went to the cinema with and I feel that he's definitely interested in taking it further, though he hasn't said as much, but you know when you get a feeling... I said don't tell me things before you do them, it isn't easy on the old imagination, but he said he is just telling me about daily stuff, there is no 'date' involved, so what on earth am I on about?

His personality is much more open to adventure and the many faces of sexual experience within a relationship and there's nothing wrong with him or his attitude. I just worry that it might be all a bit painful for me, and that after all my emotional input, learning the hard way how to cope, one day, given his age and all, he might very well up and leave and I'm left with what for my pains?

At the mention of a possible split he is shocked that I could think of such a thing over something so insignificant (in his book) as the freedom to have an occasional fling in another city. He says he loves me more now than he did at the beginning of our relationship.

I'm not sure how I feel about all this - is his the more 'adult' approach (esp for gay couples?) or would it be selling myself short to go along with his demands - the alternative would surely be a break-up, or secretiveness which he abhors. He sounds more mature than I do, in a way!

Maybe some of you have some experience with this kind of problem?

Beruthiel

open relationships only work if both people are happy with that set up

you don't sound like you are happy with it, so I can't see it working for you in the long run.
btw, it's got nothing to do with being mature or gay, it's got to do with how you wish to live your life.

Nevyn

Open relationships only work when both people ( reguardless of gender ) are
happy with the arrangement and have laid down boundaries and guidelines.
Don't make any compromises that will make you unhappy, or have you regreting that you did.
This won't allow you to keep him and chances are you will end up resenting him over this.
His ideas and notions of what a relationship is and yours do seem to differ;
one man's meat is another man's posion so to speak.
Have a good think about what you expect and want in a relationship,
and then in a relationship with him and the explain it to him.

20 Times 20 Times

I tried and falled a open relantionship , when you get that intermit with someone your going to start having feelings at some stage whether tyou do or the other person it happens and ALWAYS someone gets hurt , try not havinga open relantionship and maybe just F*ck buddies ? because if is about more then sex why except anything less then that person fully , i tried and failed before Dont get burnt

Santa Claus

Eaxctly as Ruthie said....It's all about trust and whether you both want it that decides if it'll work or not !

dramaqueen

You are clearly uncomfortable with the idea.
Don't be forced into something that you don't want just because you are afraid of losing this relationship. If you saying no means the end then maybe it just wasn't to be.

Talliesin

OP, I'd say you probably shouldn't go for an open relationship. You don't sound like you could be happy with it.

Twisted_Ankle, I'd say that you definitely shouldn't go for an open relationship. Though really, what people you are not in a relationship with yourself do is hardly any of your business.

Vangelis

Open relationships are not committed relationships at all.
This guy sounds like a selfish brat. He thinks only of his own needs and not your needs. I have nought else to say.

Let me ask you one question though. How would you feel if you stood face to face with your boyfriend's little temporary pleasure-machine?

0utshined

And what did Talliesin give then? An opinion maybe?

Gordon

Twisted_Ankle wrote:

he asked for some opinions didn't he. i gave him mine. you can go fook yourself with your high horse.

Now now, behave .

Talliesin

Twisted_Ankle wrote:

he asked for some opinions didn't he. i gave him mine.

And yet amazingly I managed to do so without calling either the lifestyle choice the OP was considering or your disgusting.

Shabadu

I had a relationship with a man that started out as being pretty much 'open'. He went on to cheat on me 5 times that I know of. We were living together.

I would be extremely wary. Does he see this open relationship as ever becoming exclusive? Do you want to be with someone exclusively? Are you a jealous person?

If you're fine with the thought of him being with another person physically then go for it. Either way, you have to examine the way you feel, and be honest about it to yourself and to him.

You should not be ashamed for wanting an exclusive relationship, if that is what you want. Even if he percieves it as 'shocking' or immature, it is not. Your happiness is important, if you feel you can't compromise on this without losing it, don't, and don't feel guilty.

jonny68

They might initially work if both parties agree to it but ultimately 9 times out of 10 the relationship will crumble eventully.

Victor

Its cheating if you think it is cheating.

chern0byl

OP: if you have to ask, then no. Its like shopping in an exclusive designer store[no price tags] and if you have to ask "how much?"...you cant afford it.

sceptre

tonyinuae wrote:

At the mention of a possible split he is shocked that I could think of such a thing over something so insignificant (in his book) as the freedom to have an occasional fling in another city.

Heavens above, he's shocked at the idea that you mightn't want to continue the relationship if he feels like having rampant sex with other people whenever the hell he feels like it?

As a general rule I'd say that true "open relationships" tend to work only when neither party is really all that pushed about the other. Then again I've no experience in the area but he does sound like he wants to eat his cake and still have it. As Auntie B said, an open relationship would only work if it's what both people want. I'd go further and say it wouldn't work if it's what one person wants and the other person just goes along with it.

tonyinuae

Well, there are a few factors here:

a) We live hundreds of miles apart, see each other only once a week at best, though we did manage a week away together in the summer

b) The idea of total and absolute fidelity/monogamy I think is a bit unreasonable for two guys, especially given the geographical separation. And I have experienced 'open' before in similar circumstances - that one lasted 10 years and ended when i left the country - and he was getting married, being bisexual anyway. (I know, you should see my natal chart! :rolleyes: )

c) It would actually be beneficial to me were I to feel I had the freedom to do as he does and not have to hide the fact.

d) If it's just sex, (and not a really frequent occurrence) I think I can live with it

e) None of us is a saint - including me, even when you want to be (see above) and despite your best effforts you can sometimes fail (I have myself).

f) And this one is the crux, I think - If I feel the love is really there, and certainly at times I really do, that he does love me very much, I feel strong enough to brave the potentially threatening insecurity of an open relationship. He is a bit inhibited at times about expressing that love, which he assures me is always there. Why would he be bothering with all the hassle otherwise, I guess?

g) 'Open' relationship here only means open to sex, not open to other relationships. yes, there are no guarantees, but there never are anyway, right?

h) The angst you detected in my earlier posting can be put down to simple insecurity, which is normal. If I give it a go, I can always bail out if I feel it's too much to handle - my hope is, it won't be.

Here's a link on fully open relationships and polyamory by an expert called Kathy Labriola:www.polyorlando.org/html/non-monogamy.htm

It's interesting to see how she regards the subject and how it seems it really can work, kind of breaks our preconceptions about it.

Shabadu

I'm glad that you feel it will work for you. You answered your own question

Talliesin

Yep, in contrast to your original post that post makes it seem like an open relationship would suit the two of you.

Why the hesitation though? Something made you unsure enough to start this thread, and you should probably examine that.

Khannie

Beruthiel wrote:

btw, it's got nothing to do with being mature or gay

I disagree with that. I only know of one open relationship, and it's between two male gay friends of mine. I think gay men are, on average, more highly charged sexually than straight men are. I think coupling that with attitude differences versus straight couples, male gay couples are more likely to engage in open relationships (or at least try to).

My friends are in a similar situation to the OP's, except they live together. The last time we talked about it, my closer friend said that his partner had slept with someone else once. He said it was very tough to deal with, that he felt he was less likely to use the openness but that overall he was willing to live with it rather than lose his partner to curiosity. They've been together for around 7 years now if I remember correctly. I don't see them breaking up any time soon.

It's a very tough call though.

How do you think you'll feel about sleeping with him knowing that the last person he slept with wasn't you?

I can say this much with certainty: I'd rather lose a relationship than have it open. I don't think I could deal with the hurt. That's just me though.

Gazza22

tonyinuae wrote:

Do open relationships work?

Basically it all depends on if you want it to work. Your partner wants it but this doesn't mean you have got to give in, it's your choice.

You don't seem to be too keen on the idea imo so i would suggest you don't go along with this. But make sure you ask your partner if theres no hard feelings as such, because it could really upset him that you won't allow him. Maybe a good discussion would be in order.

For me, an open relationship would never work. I wouldn't feel the same about my gf if i was literally sharing her with somebody else.

Talliesin

Khannie wrote:

I only know of one open relationship, and it's between two male gay friends of mine.

I know a few and they're straight.
Conversely the most "married" couple I know are two gay men.

We could compare anecdotal evidence until the cows come home though and it won't make a difference to the OP since neither he nor his partner are "most gay men", but two particular gay men, and it's their particular situation that he's concerned with.

Khannie

Point taken.

My experience is that I'm not aware of any open straight relationships among my friends and out of the small number of (openly) gay couples that I know, one of them is open.

Vangelis

Tony, are you trying to convince yourself that sex is so unimportant and little meaningful that you would gladly give this part of your relationship away to somebody else?

tonyinuae

No, Vangelis, sex is extremely important to me, indeed I have on occasion been told that I am a bit too concerned with sex. Maybe that's the problem - is this situation challenging me to move beyond my comfort zone and learn something new about relating to someone on terms of love rather than just love-tied-to-sex? My bf makes a big distinction (but then he is young) between sex with love and sex just for fun. OK, it's a distinction we can all easily make, and I know from experience that indeed you CAN have sex with a person and enjoy it and it makes diddly squat difference to the way you feel about your lover. Maybe because I'm a man? I don't know. I just know I have experienced that so know it be absolutely true. Maybe women find it harder to make the distinction, most women I know don't feel love can be separated from sex in that way. I can't discount the possibility that the feeling of jealousy you experience as a result of your partner 'playing away' is really just an atavistic insecurity, understandable perhaps, but unhelpful.

So that's the challenge: (I am new-agey enough to think of difficult experiences as possible 'challenges' ) Am I big enough to surmount self-doubt and fear to overcome what are actually unnecessary feelings of jealousy and angst? Or do I just say 'Ah, he just doesn't love me enough' and throw in the towel on a great relationship?

By the way, I DID (last week at a party) meet the gay couple he had sex with (once) while I was in Ireland during the summer - they were both absolutely charming and I have to say, though I'd been a wee bit unsure about them before meeting them, naturally enough, that I was impressed with his taste! :rolleyes:

Talliesin

Vangelis wrote:

Tony, are you trying to convince yourself that sex is so unimportant and little meaningful that you would gladly give this part of your relationship away to somebody else?

If it is going to work it's because it's meaning isn't tied to it being exclusive for him.

Talliesin

tonyinuae wrote:

Am I big enough to surmount self-doubt and fear to overcome what are actually unnecessary feelings of jealousy and angst?

It's not about being "big". I might seem to flip-flop on my views on open relationships in this thread, but that's because I honestly believe they can work for some people and can't work for others. I don't think either type of person is superior to the others (and frankly, those who crow loudly about how either monogamy is the only true commitment, or open monogamy is the natural state or polyamoury is wonderfully liberating emotionally or whatever, never come across to me as entirely happy with the lifestyle choices they've gone for).

dubgirl

Khannie wrote:

I think gay men are, on average, more highly charged sexually than straight men are.

Don't you mean more promiscuous???

tonyinuae

Talliesin, yes I agree, it depends entirely on the person, and there is no moral superiority attached to any marital state, open or otherwise. I am just agog to know whether it is going to work in my particular case, and really, whether my bf loves me enough to make the effort worthwhile, I think that's crucial. Of course that is a whole separate issue, though related.

When a guy is 20 and just starting out on the scene, he's bound to be all excited at the prospect of exploring it. And I'm not there most of the time. I am such a romantic that I cheefully enter into a relationship with such a guy and expect it to work because 'it was meant to be' or whatever - many people would run a mile in similar circumstances. He's coming to see me tomorrow; we'll have a talk abou all this and see what transpires.

Talliesin

tonyinuae wrote:

I am just agog to know whether it is going to work in my particular case

You can sound your thoughts here, you can read what people say in response, but at the end of the day there's only one person that can answer that.

tonyinuae wrote:

When a guy is 20 and just starting out on the scene, he's bound to be all excited at the prospect of exploring it.

Yes and no. Some people explore it more cautiously and slowly than others (even if it does mean them friends accuse them of being picky... [sorry, private joke])

tonyinuae wrote:

I am such a romantic that I cheefully enter into a relationship with such a guy and expect it to work because 'it was meant to be' or whatever

If there is such a think as a relationship that is "meant to be" I still don't think that will be enough to keep it going on its own. If it's meant to be it's meant to have both people involved working on it, and getting that working on it right at least a good percentage of the time.

tonyinuae

Isn't it typical? He came to visit yesterday as planned and we had such a wonderful time that no-one was even thinking about all those serious issues - time together is so precious and enjoyable. Maybe if we were living together we'd be bored with each other, who knows!

Anyway, we parted on a note of deep affection and suddenly (love being once again confirmed) my worries seemed trivial. I really feel I have no choice for the moment but to see things through to where they lead, otherwise I'd be selling myself short out of what I suspect is sheer insecurity.

By the way the guy I was so worried about that he went to the cinema with shows all the signs of interest, but it's unreciprocated, so that was kind of a relief. It seems this right to play away is something that will be there, understood, but not really exercised very often. I can probably live with that. I guess I'm going to find out... :rolleyes: