Some great un-pc quotes

From a buddy of mine:


Tact is for people who aren't clever enough to take the pi$$

The homeless are a tripping hazard. beware

Ladies please realise that until a man has slept with you he will not be able to concentrate fully during conversation.

always keep your mouth open when insulting a lady, she might throw her drink at you

A girl with more male friends than female ones is destined to screw you over. If her own species don't trust her neither should you...

dressing your eight year old child in a cropped t-shirt with "babe" written across the front is not a clever idea. To all normsl people the t-shirt will read "retard" and to all paedophiles it will read "snatch me now, my mother's a ****ing moron."

Ladies - you lose the right to complain about me staring at your tits if you are wearing a top with writing on the front.

While we're at it if you're carrying a bag from La Senza, Agent Provcateur etc know that I have already undressed you, imagined you in the gear and decided whether you'd be worth it or not, just so you know

Practitioners of alternative medicine should be banned from using hospitals. Broken your leg? In unspeakable pain? Have a little faith. Put a f*cking crystal on it you'll be right as rain in no time.

Youngsters - Command the respect of friends everywhere by going out in the rain with your jeans dragging through the puddles. People will be especially impressed if the soaking spreads up as far as the knee. In fact I'm just joking. It makes you look like a f*cking retard.


Always run with scissors. The quicker you go, the quicker you'll get to your destination and the quicker you'll finish using the scissors, therefore significantly reducing your chances of injuring yourself.


Never book a mammogram for your friend's stag do, it probably isn't what you were expecting. Still, good to have the 'all clear'.


At work, those who call you a 'star' after you've helped them are using special code which means:

- I can't remember your name but you're servile
- I can't be arsed to learn how to do this myself
- if I asked a bureau/external service to do this it'd cost me a fortune
- if you asked me to do similar for you I'd possibly file a grievance against you
- I'm an insincere f*ckwit.


never take the pi$$ out of a dumb dwarf.....its not big and its not clever


When your wife/girlfriend announces that she is pregnant,and she then says she is worried that you won't fancy her when she get bigger and fatter....DON'T under any circumstances say "Of course i will,hey it's not as if i've never shagged a fat bird before,i'm a heavy drinker".

Using slang terms for female genitalia constantly weakens the shock factor. Reserve the use of such words for occasions when they are extremely apt... usually whenever a Sainsbury's ad featuring Jamie Oliver comes on.

an argument won is a friend lost. But, to be honest, who wants friends with crap opinions?

if she doesn't fancy you it's coz she's a lesbian - always. Remember - always!

Ladies, if you don't want us to look at your wonderful breasts don't wear a push-up bra, with a low cut tight top showing that your nipples are the size of wheel-nuts. We are human after all.

If you leave your mobile at home, it's the worst feeling to return to no missed calls or messges.

Bestiality with balloon animals is just as much a faux pa as the real thing at childrens parties.

Never shout your own name when you're coming.

There's nothing wrong with being two-faced. It just means you're kind enough to be polite to someone's face and honest enough to tell the truth once they're gone.

Balance is the key to a happy life. And try to fit a **** in everyday...

Nicotine addiction is your body's way of telling you that smoking is good. Don't ignore it.

The Brick-Kitten ratio is as follows:
1 brick = 3 kittens.
Other wise it's just a waste of bricks. Also, a hard wearing sack is a must.

omnicorp

a bit... predictable really.
soem good ones tho..

stagolee

some very good ones there

de5p0i1er

Some good ones in there.